[MuddyBoots]

I can't stand it I can't stand it I can't stand it.

No puedo comer. Thanksgiving. ****. S wants me to partake. I already had some yogurt at 2am so I don't want to eat anymore today. This is so ****ing frustrating. WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?

[Mountaindewed]

I lost a few pounds overnight but I think its because of the other medical stuff I have going on. Although my therapist will scream ED, I'm sure.

[Buffy01]

I have realized in order for me to heal my pain with food I need to heal my emotional pain

[Mountaindewed]

Apparently the pictures I take everyday is unhealthy body checking and not progress pictures. At least according to something I read on Reddit.

[MuddyBoots]

Thanksgiving ****ing sucked! It turned into binging, which turned into purging and cutting. I tried the self care thing my therapist always says when I'm going into difficult situations (take out, dinners, etc) but I was literally purging in the shower and self harming listening to music so I need better ways to self care.

---

edit: I'M GONNA GET BETTTER!!!
Next week. It's gonna start with a banana. Half a banana. In a smoothie.

[Buffy01]

sometimes listening to TLC unpretty helps with my struggles with my unhealthy body image

[MuddyBoots]

You know what?
I don't want to get better.
I enjoy this sick ****.

Possible trigger:

I enjoy the chaos. The sneaking around. The wondering "will this b/p sesh be the one that kills me?" the "will my next fall be my last?"
I like seeing the numbers go down down down.
I like the explosion when the numbers go up. The sudden motivation.
I like the illusion of control this gives me.
I like the illusion of a friend the ED voice gives me. It reminds me of an abusive relationship and don't we all know how much I love those, and this way, no one gets to tell me how I need to file a restraining order!!!
I like how when I'm hungry, I feel better than everyone else. How I say "they're weak willed, giving into their needs. Look at them, eating ****ing bacon because they WANT to. I don't have those silly WANTS because I am STRONGER. I am BETTER."

How ****ed up is that?

[emily1890]

Tonight I'm meant to be having takeout, and I've said to myself all day I won't eat anything until it comes so I can feel hungry when it arrives- I've just eaten an entire chocolate Toblerone So..

[MuddyBoots]

Like, all of these...

[MuddyBoots]

Meal planning was sooo freaking stressful last night and I'm not going to lie there were some curses flying and tears crying, and I'm not happy with how many calories are in my day but I think it'll prevent any binging and it'll raise my blood sugar a little so here's hoping.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm listening to this historian on CNN go on and on and its making me really want an iced latte. And I'm wondering if its because when I was a kid and I would listen to historians on school trips it was also boring and all I could think about was lunch.

So idk. Maybe I just gave myself some dumb free cbt **** or something.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Like, all of these...

thanks!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Like, all of these...

for the link

[MuddyBoots]

No prob.
---
I am terrified if I have A FOURTH ALL NIGHTER IN THE PAST WEEK I'm god. No. Binging. Cringing. Splurging on purging. Like yer first hit o' crack. Like fresh tracks. Like howling at the moon with the coyotes. They're all over. Aawoooooohhhhhhhhhing with the owls. Making friends with the insomniac bears and myself.

Eat or be eaten? I've been chewed at my whole life mofos.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm getting told by health care people what a healthy BMI is for me. But my mom and my therapist tell me that is too much and I would look sick at even the top end of a normal BMI. My mom texted me "you don't want to look like Elliot Whatshisname." I get I don't need to lose a ton.

[MuddyBoots]

I just want to know if I should go to the eating disorder clinic I don't want to be police or have to open up or think about everything or eat on camera, but I don't want to have to continue having panic attacks at grocery stores and being grouchy grouchy after meals and purging after a bowl of cheerios.

[MuddyBoots]

I toook like 50 lorazepam over the past 3 days and now I can't remember if I ate anything or not and it's really freaking me out. I think I just had some nuts and that's why I'm crying because I didn't WANT nuts but I don't remember eating them.

I think I really need to go to this EDC

[Mountaindewed]

I woke up every couple hours last night and every time I woke up I weighed myself. That went on from 9PM-7AM. I never did get to the number I want to get to.

I've been eating a lot of celery sticks lately. They do work if you lie to yourself hard enough.

[MuddyBoots]

Okay it was "only 28mg" of lorazepam. Fk meal planning. I also found low calorie instant breakfasts so I think I'm just going to live off of those.

[MuddyBoots]

I know I sound like a broken record but I am so done with crying in the kitchen and panicking at the grocery store and then eating one thing and saying "fk it I failed" and binging, and feeling power hungry is sooo not me, and I need to give up control and take on freedom and I feel like this eating disorder is some sort of entity CONTROLLING ME just making me suffer and watching me and laughing at me and I'm his puppet.