[Blueberrybook]

Exercised too much today and did housework on top of it. I really need to break this cycle.

[emily1890]

Struggled with breakfast today. My throat is such an obstacle.

I hope dinner is better. I am hungry so it's a start..

[Blueberrybook]

emily, sorry you're struggling. Glad you have an appetite for dinner (((HUGS)))

[Blueberrybook]

Just triggered today.Ugh, I feel like banging my head.

[Blueberrybook]

Still having issues with exercise. It's bordering on compulsive exercise now if it isn't already there. That's the main problem I get - purging type anorexia where the purging is done through excessive exercise. I usually eat okay just not enough calories to keep up with the exercise burn and of course I still get that thrill seeing lower numbers on the scale. I've gotta rein it in, either exercise less or eat more but doing those always makes me feel a load of guilt

[MuddyBoots]

I hate this body. I hate it. I want every extra bits gone. Everything. Fat. Boobs. Hair. Appendix. Tonsils. Hell, get rid of a kidney and as much of my liver as possible.

Actually, just expel my brain from existence.

[Blueberrybook]

@MuddyBoots I am so sorry you're having so much difficulty. The worst thing about EDs is you're NEVER happy with your body no matter how much weight you lose. I remember I was WAY beyond hospitalization with my weight at several points in my life, and even then I hated my body and thought I was fat. You could disappear into practically nothing and still think you're fat & need to lose weight. Sigh.

I'm still struggling with compulsive exercise and I know it's not all OCD but ED too. My weight is perfect accorind to my PCP and I need to maintain. I lost some weight running but the past month or so I have been maintaining which is good I know intellectually but ED thoughts definitely wish I'd lose more

[MuddyBoots]

This time of year and my ED like fighting to the death. Except neither ever die, they just hide for a bit to come back for another battle.

I b/p'd in the most dangerous way I know how last night and was super upset when I woke up this morning...before the alarm at that.

Literally want to go on a meth diet to lose weight and clean windows, but it'll be more like paranoid psychosis and probably being arrested or kicked out.

keep thinking about all the comments other people have made on my body, and it's funny how there's a general trend b/t males and females.
Men: jiggly butt!
women: I want to inject cheeseburgers into that *** of yours.

[Blueberrybook]

How is everyone doing this week? This thread has been rather quiet. I wish that would mean nobody is struggling but sadly I know that's not the truth

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

How is everyone doing this week? This thread has been rather quiet. I wish that would mean nobody is struggling but sadly I know that's not the truth

Because this thread is always hoppin' haha

I'm alright. I did a few b/p's but I have been doing better at planning and scheduling meals. I saw a dr in person and got weighed and that was awful, but luckily have a IUD ripped through my cervix was worse so I don't even remember the number

I'm finding it really hard to find a balance between restriction and overeating. When I'm actively trying to be healthy I get a little **** about what times I eat and I just go with it for breakfast and lunch, but with dinner I generally plan to eat my own meal, and generally do, but maybe 30 minutes after I eat my mom (living with currently) asks if I have whatever she's cooking and sometimes it's too freaking good to not but also sometimes the nutrient combo b/t her food and mine isn't "right" to me and it drives me mad. Along with the fact I'm having two supers. Yeah, there's that too.

[Blueberrybook]

Low-self esteem sucks. EDs suck. I read something I should have known better to read and am now stuck in a cycle of low self esteem triggered by stupid ED thinking.

Here I am, 20 years recovered from ED actions, and the stupid ED thinking STILL won't go away!

[MuddyBoots]

Ugh I just talked to this dude on the phone who I've sporadically have talked to in person over the past 10 years or so, and last time I saw him I was at a bit of a low weight (but he has also seen me at my highest weight, and I am embarrassed at how huge that difference is). He said he's lost some weight over the past few months and asked about myself and called me "little miss anorexic." That's how to approach it. Yeah. This fking dude. Too fat? rude comments. Too skinny? rude comments. (They're not intended as rude; I'm just sensitive af.)

And they just changed my pdoc appointment to in-person so I can be weighed...yay... it's so stupid. I can't even drive there (they don't want me to, anyways) so someone from the team is picking me up and taking me. There is no freakin' reason this is better than video appointment (okay, there are a few, but not as many as reasons it's worse).

[Mountaindewed]

I feel like heading into restriction again because the control feels good and also not eating much helps out my stomach issues and every stomach med my GI doc trys to put me on my pdoc says no to. My pdoc shot down a med that I thought was the answer and now I feel like I just need to work on my eating. Although the 2 of them want to talk now.

I've mentioned this in other places of the forum but my therapist wants to start working out with me when we do virtual. When she told me I was kinda like wtf. Then I sent an email this afternoon about my feelings about food. So I'm not sure if she still thinks we can be "accountaibilty buddies."

[Blueberrybook]

Ugh, I still can't exercise b/c of my stupid hip and it's driving me crazy! Voices in my head say "You're lazy, you're going to get fat, most of the women in your family are morbidly obese, you have bad genetics, get off your *ss and exercise!"

[MuddyBoots]

Ughhh my schedule got thrown off this morning and instead of having breakfast 2.5 hours ago I’m eating liquorice under a tree now. Driving me a little mad knowing there is food I planned on eating that might go bad because that’s another meal I made with intent to consume that’s been skipped.

[Mountaindewed]

I haven't eaten dinner and I might but I also just want to go to sleep. So I might fall asleep in half an hour and wake up at 11 for a snack. I emailed my therapist about this stuff but she didn't say anything about it.

[Blueberrybook]

Can't exercise again today. This is killing me

[Mountaindewed]

Part of things is that its like yeah it will help in the long run with my GI issues. Then I think of stuff like therapy and what went on Thursday and that whole control thought comes back again.

[Blueberrybook]

I've had less appetite lately, and it's probably because I'm a bit keyed up, maybe slightly hypomanic. Having to eat when I definitely don't want to but know it is time for meals. I always battle these voices in my head.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I haven't eaten dinner and I might but I also just want to go to sleep. So I might fall asleep in half an hour and wake up at 11 for a snack. I emailed my therapist about this stuff but she didn't say anything about it.

Is there a reason you eat around the clock? Even if you dont subscribe to intermittent fasting, other eating theories say it is good to fast overnight. It gives your organs a long break from digesting food. Also intentionally? breaking up your sleeping?Seems like sometimes you sleep 8 hours straight, but not very often.