[Blueberrybook]

Low-self esteem sucks. EDs suck. I read something I should have known better to read and am now stuck in a cycle of low self esteem triggered by stupid ED thinking.

Here I am, 20 years recovered from ED actions, and the stupid ED thinking STILL won't go away!

[MuddyBoots]

Ugh I just talked to this dude on the phone who I've sporadically have talked to in person over the past 10 years or so, and last time I saw him I was at a bit of a low weight (but he has also seen me at my highest weight, and I am embarrassed at how huge that difference is). He said he's lost some weight over the past few months and asked about myself and called me "little miss anorexic." That's how to approach it. Yeah. This fking dude. Too fat? rude comments. Too skinny? rude comments. (They're not intended as rude; I'm just sensitive af.)

And they just changed my pdoc appointment to in-person so I can be weighed...yay... it's so stupid. I can't even drive there (they don't want me to, anyways) so someone from the team is picking me up and taking me. There is no freakin' reason this is better than video appointment (okay, there are a few, but not as many as reasons it's worse).

[Mountaindewed]

I feel like heading into restriction again because the control feels good and also not eating much helps out my stomach issues and every stomach med my GI doc trys to put me on my pdoc says no to. My pdoc shot down a med that I thought was the answer and now I feel like I just need to work on my eating. Although the 2 of them want to talk now.

I've mentioned this in other places of the forum but my therapist wants to start working out with me when we do virtual. When she told me I was kinda like wtf. Then I sent an email this afternoon about my feelings about food. So I'm not sure if she still thinks we can be "accountaibilty buddies."

[Blueberrybook]

Ugh, I still can't exercise b/c of my stupid hip and it's driving me crazy! Voices in my head say "You're lazy, you're going to get fat, most of the women in your family are morbidly obese, you have bad genetics, get off your *ss and exercise!"

[MuddyBoots]

Ughhh my schedule got thrown off this morning and instead of having breakfast 2.5 hours ago I’m eating liquorice under a tree now. Driving me a little mad knowing there is food I planned on eating that might go bad because that’s another meal I made with intent to consume that’s been skipped.

[Mountaindewed]

I haven't eaten dinner and I might but I also just want to go to sleep. So I might fall asleep in half an hour and wake up at 11 for a snack. I emailed my therapist about this stuff but she didn't say anything about it.

[Blueberrybook]

Can't exercise again today. This is killing me

[Mountaindewed]

Part of things is that its like yeah it will help in the long run with my GI issues. Then I think of stuff like therapy and what went on Thursday and that whole control thought comes back again.

[Blueberrybook]

I've had less appetite lately, and it's probably because I'm a bit keyed up, maybe slightly hypomanic. Having to eat when I definitely don't want to but know it is time for meals. I always battle these voices in my head.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I haven't eaten dinner and I might but I also just want to go to sleep. So I might fall asleep in half an hour and wake up at 11 for a snack. I emailed my therapist about this stuff but she didn't say anything about it.

Is there a reason you eat around the clock? Even if you dont subscribe to intermittent fasting, other eating theories say it is good to fast overnight. It gives your organs a long break from digesting food. Also intentionally? breaking up your sleeping?Seems like sometimes you sleep 8 hours straight, but not very often.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Is there a reason you eat around the clock? Even if you dont subscribe to intermittent fasting, other eating theories say it is good to fast overnight. It gives your organs a long break from digesting food. Also intentionally? breaking up your sleeping?Seems like sometimes you sleep 8 hours straight, but not very often.

Idk. I'm not on a very consistent schedule for anything. Food or meds. Which is why my pdoc put in the safefy plan for that med. My sleep is broken up because my brother has real bad OCD and he often wakes me up around midnight and it can be hard to get back to sleep until 3.

[unaluna]

Oh im sorry to hear that. Makes sense then why you go to sleep with music. Thats hard though.

[Mountaindewed]

I've just been grazing lately. Not really restricting. I'm just not very hungry and when I do get hungry I turn to something healthy.

[MuddyBoots]

Not weighing myself this morning was so hard. It really is better not to know.

[Blueberrybook]

It's hard not to weigh yourself. That is a habit I need to give up too. How are you doing?

[MuddyBoots]

I've been doing better. I was a little on the manic side for a bit, but I still had that fear of my past manic psychosis in me so I pulled out all the stops--resting frequently in a dark room with a weighted blanket, not listening to the songs I used to listen to specifically to rev myself up more, called my pdoc and took the PRN trazodone she sent in a rx for, took cold showers when I felt like I would burst, etc. My ED thoughts were getting bad too, but I've gotten back into hiking now that it's nice out, and I think just knowing my body isn't so fkked that I can lug it up a 4340ft mtn with a loaded winter pack makes me feel so much better. My mindset is more focused on getting my body into doing higher class scrambles more easily than fitting in smaller pants.

How are you doing?

[Blueberrybook]

I'm doing better thoughtwise lately, but I still can't resist the scale every morning

[MuddyBoots]

I have not been doing well thought-wise lately to the point last night I was trying to remember the amounts of protein/carbs/sugars/etc and calories I'd take in this time last year when I rapidly lost a lot of weight. I'm also getting mad at people pushing food on me/my thoughts again (like yesterday my case manager talking about chocolate and my mom wanting to make cheesecake). Hate itttttttt.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm so sorry muddy

[MuddyBoots]

I genuinely cannot tell if I'm sliding into behaviors or not. On one hand, I'm not binging or purging, counting calories or other nutritional quantities, forcing myself to go hungry, weighing myself frequently, or completely avoiding certain food groups. On the other, I haven't been forcing myself to eat when I know I should (like I know I'm hungry, but I'm not really hungry?), I have weighed myself a couple times since my last doc's appointment (I've been avoiding the scale outside appointments), been body checking, and of course the fact the thoughts are present and I've lost some weight and not super slowly either. I mean, I did feel pretty triggered when an old friend of mine and I caught up and he was telling me about losing weight and asked me how I was eating, "little Miss anorexic," and was saying how he's seen me anywhere from very underweight to fat af.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm sorry about that @MuddyBoots. If you're not eating when you know you should be eating and losing weight too fast, you are not eating enough. It's a slippery slope. Have you talked with your T about it?

ED's are the worst. I swear I'm never going to completely get over the ED thinking. ED's...the gift that gives and gives. Just today I saw my pdoc. He always weighs me, and today he's like "I see you lost a little weight" and the stupid ED just LOVED that!

[MuddyBoots]

@Blueberrybook no, I haven't talked to T. I haven't seen her in a few weeks. I'm not intentionally not eating, just kinda procrastinating and not putting in effort for full meals a lot. And if I do have a meal it feels too much. I had a bowl of chili earlier and by the end I felt like it was going to come back up on its own. I see my therapist, pdoc, and case manager all throughout next week though.

[Blueberrybook]

How is everyone doing? This forum is very quiet.

I've been able to go walking again at least. I've been less worried about the numbers on the scale of late, which is a good thing!

[MuddyBoots]

I still don't know how I'm doing. We had takeout last week for my mom's birth day and I almost ate my whole chicken finger dinner, but other than that, I'm practically not eating. I want to though! Just nothing tastes good, I get nauseous sometimes even throw up, I'm not hungry, I barely know what time it is so for example right now I just realized it's about 12:30 and I should be eating lunch but I can't think of ANYTHING that I can actually get into my stomach and keep there. I smoked weed last week to see if that'd help, it did a little. I haven't weighed myself in 10 days so not sure what that's looking like.

[Blueberrybook]

I just need to concentrate and be happy to be at a normal, even verging on low-normal weight for my height (sigh). I often have such guilt because I eat normally these days and don't purge (via overexercise). Some days it's harder than others.