[FooZe]

This thread is being restarted for technical reasons.

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I want to be a twink. I was one 2 years ago. I'm not really restricting much. Just kinda eating more healthy most of the time.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm doing decently today. My mom thinks I'm restricting but I haven't had any issues with my ulcers so I think thats helping keeping me full.

[Mountaindewed]

I've started doing my own cooking. I'm hoping eating more healthy helps with this fatigue crap.

[MuddyBoots]

relapsedddddd and I think I forgot to flush the toilet because my mom went in there and flushed it and came out and avoided me. We usually avoid each other, but this time she was physically present and avoided me instead of each of us off doing our own thing?

I hate how out of control it feels. Purging used to give me that feeling of control, but now it's like I freak out if I don't after eating too much, and after I feel even MORE out of control. And now I juts....ugh...

[Blueberrybook]

@MuddyBoots
I'm so sorry. Take it one day at a time and make today your first day of recovery. There are usually blips in recovery especially at first. It's hard to change long standing habits. Remember to remind yourself how bad purging is for your health - your teeth, ulcers, increased risk of esphogeal cancer, none of which are pleasant.

I'm struggling with the feeling of NEEDING to exercise daily once again. Ugh, I hate it. Morning rain foiled my chances of going for a walk again, at least for now. The weather channel keeps predicting the rain to stop, then keeps moving the stopping every 15 min. to last longer. I am SOO frustrated! Especially b/c rain in the morning stopped me walking yesterday. I find myself angry at the weather, for God's sake!

[MuddyBoots]

Yeah. I screwed up again today, but not with easy to purge foods and I think

Possible trigger:

more blood than food came out.

I seriously need to get back on a schedule. I used to have a specific meal for breakfast and lunch, and dinner would be a MEAL but not somethiing I have every night. I haven't been having the breakfast and lunch meals and oblivious to what I am eating and it always feels too much.

[Mountaindewed]

My NP told me to eat when I feel nauseated. So I did. I'm not restricting today. At least I don't think I am. I switched from PriIosec to Pepcid and its made a difference in a few areas.

[Mountaindewed]

Too be honest my doctors were telling me what to eat. I had no idea they were easy to throw up since I don't have bulimia. My eating stuff is more just restriction related and not eating well.

[Blueberrybook]

@MuddyBoots
Sorry about the b/p.

Having regular meals helps a lot b/c then you are not so hungry by the end of the day. I know I used to skip breakfast and then would eat too much at lunch which would cause me to not snack and to restrict by dinner. You just start this never-ending cycle. I try to eat mostly healthy foods, but I definitely don't eat completely healthy all the time.

[MuddyBoots]

Yeah, my cycle used to be barely eating during the day and binging at night leading to purging. Yesterday and today it was more having a lot of small things every few hours and then realizing the accumulation of the small things and getting the "fcck it, I've already eaten too much" thoughts. I'm not really interested in my meal that I had for breakfast before so I have to figure something out until I get sick of that. I can't really think of anything that feels both safe and filling.

[Blueberrybook]

@MuddyBoots
It's tough but one step in recovery is to get away from labelling foods or meals safe and instead go for "healthy". Breakfast is a hard meal for me to eat since I'm usually not that hungry first thing in the morning. But you know plenty of cereals with milk are healthy and filling especially if you add a piece of fruit. I tend to eat the same breakfast daily until I tire of it and then move on to something else too. It's not so much an ED thing for me (and I def. do not count calories) as a REALLY intense strong craving for the current breakfast on my roster.

[MuddyBoots]

I've been trying to avoid cereals because some of them (honey nut cheerios and the other flavors when they came out especially) were my go-to beginning of a binge food. I know I need to find something that my brain can consider a full meal that I'll eat. I'm pretty sure I've been having omelettes every day for months and I can't do eggs anymore.

I'm thinking of making a pot of chili and warming that up in the mornings.

[Mountaindewed]

My therapist is saying I'm not restricting because I legit can't keep much down. So I eat what I can. After what 5 years I've never gotten a clear answer from anyone. They have always been back and forth about me and EDs.

Possible trigger:

but I didn't get my therapists comment when she said "you really know how do that silently. Or her comment about "this is just beyween us." Like I really wanted to throw up in front of her in the first place. Why did she think I ended the session 15 minutes early to get to my car bucket?

[Blueberrybook]

Walked too much today. I am consistently doing more exercise than I really need. I suppose it's overexercising but not to a big extreme. I need to curb this. But I keep seeing that my body is toning up fairly quickly, and it's hard to stop. EDs suck.

[MuddyBoots]

ED and substance use
I can't believe I didn't recognize a huge link between bulimia and alcoholism, but hey, it's there, and it's (not) fun.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

ED and substance use
I can't believe I didn't recognize a huge link between bulimia and alcoholism, but hey, it's there, and it's (not) fun.

Sad reality Have you gotten any help for the alcohol abuse?

[Blueberrybook]

I need to rein in this exercise. Ugh. It's hard though especially since I can see my stomach finally starting to tone up and looking less like it did during the end of my first trimester of pregnancy.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Sad reality Have you gotten any help for the alcohol abuse?

I was in rehab and an IOP previously, but I went straight into an environment not suited for recovery. I think if I don't let myself spiral this time, I'll be okay especially considering the upcoming move.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I need to rein in this exercise. Ugh. It's hard though especially since I can see my stomach finally starting to tone up and looking less like it did during the end of my first trimester of pregnancy.

Oy. Can you commit to completely stopping exercise until the ED thoughts chill out a bit? Or if you think you can, maybe go back to your old routine and if you catch yourself getting away with it definitely stop? You're pretty good at recognizing when things are slipping, it seems. I know it's hard, but if you're starting to overdo it, a break would be good. Some people might find reminding the worst parts of when they were at the worst (and knowing it can get to that point again) helpful (I mean, I don't, but I'm not really at a point I'd say I'm' in recovery). It sounds a bit repetitive, but I know I look back to the worst time I'd been, I can find some good and that good seems worth it with ED thoughts so I have to keep in mind the weakness, the Mallory-Weiss tear, the inability to think outside of the ED, the hair loss, the fights, the comments from other people, etc.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Oy. Can you commit to completely stopping exercise until the ED thoughts chill out a bit? Or if you think you can, maybe go back to your old routine and if you catch yourself getting away with it definitely stop? You're pretty good at recognizing when things are slipping, it seems. I know it's hard, but if you're starting to overdo it, a break would be good. Some people might find reminding the worst parts of when they were at the worst (and knowing it can get to that point again) helpful (I mean, I don't, but I'm not really at a point I'd say I'm' in recovery). It sounds a bit repetitive, but I know I look back to the worst time I'd been, I can find some good and that good seems worth it with ED thoughts so I have to keep in mind the weakness, the Mallory-Weiss tear, the inability to think outside of the ED, the hair loss, the fights, the comments from other people, etc.

Completely stop? I don't think so. Maybe try to go back to the old routine. Ugh, I really hate this. One the one hand, my body is telling me to slow down, I'm not 20 any more either, on the other hand, starting to see results toning. I still have the scale unfortunately. I am not losing weight. I still weigh more than I did a year ago, which is low-normal. I weigh normal, normal as in smack dab in the middle of normal for my height, but of course, I can't see that.

[MuddyBoots]

Smash the hell out of that scale or take a blow torch to it or something!

[Blueberrybook]

Ugh, tell me about the scale! Whoever invented affordable bathroom scales really did people with EDs a horrible misservice!

Exercised too much this AM. Walked/jogged and did too much, I think. What else is new?

[Mountaindewed]

@Idk how I can get my stomach under control without heading into a full blown ED. When I restrict I'm totally fine;

[MuddyBoots]

But what if bathrooms were always scales, just now they're growing into their own separate entity and honest, but before they kept secrets and quietly judged laughing their tiles away

[Blueberrybook]

I went walking & jogging this morning. More exercise than I need, but not too long a time. I just know it exhausts my body; I should just walk, not jog. But I feel great afterwards b/c I did it, I accomplished it. Ugh.

I went out 30 min. before sunrise, which isn't great to go out in the dark. I don't think I'm still hypomanic, just ED/OCD stuff which in itself is frustrating & irritating.