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Blueberrybook
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Unhappy Jul 30, 2024 at 07:50 AM
  #1
I have been recovered from anorexia over 20 yrs. with some blips here and there in recovery, never lasting too long, a month or 2. However, the ED thoughts just haven't stopped, gotten quieter mostly and I don't usually act on them.

I had anorexia-purging type where the purging was via overexercise. I didn't eat enough calories but I did eat more than most people suffering anorexia. However, it was enough to convince people I was fine. They just didn't realize how much I exercised.

I feel like I'm at the tipping point of another blip. My weight is normal and healthy according to my PCP. But of course, I feel like I'm fat and need to lose weight especially since I went thru my closet not long ago, and about 1/3 of my wardrobe is too small

I have started walking & jogging again. Not jogging much but enough to tire me out and I have been walking farther than I intended when I started walking again. I started walking to tone up, but now it's become almost an obsession with the numbers on the scale and feeling the need to exercise daily I need to destroy that scale again.

I know I am walking and jogging more than I need to tone up. I'm not yet at the exercise extreme of overexercising (at least not too much). But I worry it will become that. I really do NOT need to get to the point of running a half marathon again. That was so hard on my body and took up so much time. I need to rein myself in. I just don't know how.

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Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD

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indigo1015
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Default Jul 30, 2024 at 03:00 PM
  #2
I can definitely appreciate this— when i was anorexic and bulimic I would overexercise too. I would exercise with sprained ankles, with conjunctivitis, etc. Like you, I don’t want to ever get to that point again in my life, and its so tough because people view exercise as something that is 100% beneficial. I’ve even had people say to me, “I wish i were addicted to exercise!” So when you may be going overboard, there aren’t people who will recognize that. I don’t know what to say other than using mindfulness and keeping it in the back of your mind. But i know what you mean 100%

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Default Jul 30, 2024 at 03:18 PM
  #3
Yeah I understand the obsessive compulsion to exercise. For me it’s not been about being slim (although I did many years ago have an active eating disorder) but I had a point in my life where I absolutely got obsessed with my stats. It was not healthy - although I was physically very fit.

I still regularly have to have words with myself , because I know the benefits of exercising aren’t about how fast you are or how hard you push yourself. And yes you’re right it is possible to over exercise, that’s when you get tired, pick up injuries and infections/illness, that’s the opposite of health.

I also had half marathon urges - I’m hoping I can resist. I did a few that were good but last years was horrible and I need to remember that.

I guess the only thing I can say is keep on having little pep talks with yourself, remember what you want to achieve. Be careful (if this is a problem) who you exercise with or around too, avoid the competitive types I’d say from experience.
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Blueberrybook
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Default Jul 30, 2024 at 03:27 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by indigo1015 View Post
I can definitely appreciate this— when i was anorexic and bulimic I would overexercise too. I would exercise with sprained ankles, with conjunctivitis, etc. Like you, I don’t want to ever get to that point again in my life, and its so tough because people view exercise as something that is 100% beneficial. I’ve even had people say to me, “I wish i were addicted to exercise!” So when you may be going overboard, there aren’t people who will recognize that. I don’t know what to say other than using mindfulness and keeping it in the back of your mind. But i know what you mean 100%

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Yes, exactly this. People view exercise as 100% beneficial all the time and it's not when you overexercise or push yourself too hard or run miles with broken toes or painful bleeding under your toenails, your toenails failling off and getting toenail fungus, extremely painful blisters, no rest days ever, no taking it easier ever.

And it becomes a compulsion and the people around you think it's good. And you know, it's a tough cookie b/c SOME exercise IS beneficial for most people; its overdoing it that is not.

ATM, I'm not losing weight though I am toning up (which I'm happy about). I really should slack off on the jogging & do shorter walks to my neighborhood park. They have put in outdoor weight resistance machines. No one uses them in the early morning so there are zero people to be competitive with.

That's the another thing I HATE about ED type thinking: You feel competitive with every person you see and even worse, sometimes (and this is horrible) I feel a bit of superiority over people not as fit as I am I feel SO terrible about myself even having such awful thoughts

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Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD

Seroquel, Cymbalta, propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, lamotrigine, hydroxyzine,

There's a crack in everything. That is how the light gets in.
--Leonard Cohen
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Blueberrybook
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Default Aug 02, 2024 at 05:16 PM
  #5
Jogging & walking again today. Farther than I need to, but nothing crazy or beyond what some people would consider a normal amount of exercise. I tell myself I'm doing it b/c I want to tone up DO want to tone up. I am not losing any weight, just normal small up & down fluctuations, BUT:

every time that number goes down, I feel a sense of triump.

I know I've never completely shed these ED thoughts, but they had been quieter for a long time.

I also hadn't been able to walk or jog for IDK 7, 8 months b/c peripheral neuropathy in my feet was bothering me a ton. But I've had some med changes that have helped the neuropathy a lot, which along with a manic episode, got me started walking again around 3 weeks or so ago. I've pretty much stabilized again from the mania.

And for a long time (years, even) I just maintained a low normal weight only by walking, no jogging necessary. I feel like I'm itching to get back to that low-normal weight, and the fact that my weight is normal, NORMAL right in the middle of the normal range and not moving bugs me more than I like.

Ugh, EDs are a BYTCH!

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Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD

Seroquel, Cymbalta, propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, lamotrigine, hydroxyzine,

There's a crack in everything. That is how the light gets in.
--Leonard Cohen

Last edited by Blueberrybook; Aug 02, 2024 at 05:36 PM..
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