Plans

I'm not in therapy anymore. That is a long story. I didn't really choose that path, but I did in a way. I was removed from my therapist and refused to let them place me with someone else. So while I wasn't discharged, I walked away. Essentially, I lost trust in the clinic.

I've recently come to the realization that while i've been in a relapse for a while, my therapist had worked hard for a while to pull me out of it and the only thing that even got her close was me being placed on high dose prednisone (60 mgs a day ... I was weaned off the prednisone within a few weeks of being removed from her care ...which, was, by the way, neither her choice, nor mine).

The restricting went right back to where it had been before the prednisone ... and in a month, I start college (EVEN though I'm 43 years old) and am rather excited ...not about going back to school ...but about the fabulous fitness facility the school provides.

The plans ruminating through my mind of what I can now do, the success I can have (finances have prevented me from membership in a gym for over 20 years) ...

and a realization that ... I'm treading on very very danger ground ...as I pulled out a piece of paper and started to calculate how quickly ... doing what exercises could get me where ...

The simple answer is ...to call that therapist that it is recommended that I go back to see ...

but my trust level of the clinic has been demolished the day they removed me from the care of the therapist that I trusted. I would be forever waiting for the shoe to drop ...

The need to start over again ...with yet another person ... to tell my story yet again ...

as well as to add an appt a week to my very busy week with school and being the mother of 2 teenagers and wife to 1 52 year old man who is not healthy ....

I can give a 100 reasons why it is too much for me .... and yet ... i've got plans running through my head as how my relapse is going to work ...

and i know that's stupid ...and dangerous ...

and the ironic thing is ... i'm going back to school to major in psychology.

dear MyFocus,
I completely understand your ambivalence. It sounds like you know the best thing to do for your health and even the consequences of not doing it..... but it is so hard to give up the comfort and familiarity of the ED. I am in a similar siutation right now. I need to reach out for help as well-- but I don't want to yet. I keep saying to myself - just a few more weeks and a few more pounds, and then I will stop.

The situation with your therapist sounds so painful - and even scary because I don't understand how something like that could happen. Is there anyway you could find a therapist not associated with that clinic? It will take a lot of courage for you to move on from this in a healthy way. The more you allow yourself to sink back into it.... the harder it will be to climb out of it.

take care of yourself,
kt

i actually worked up the courage today to call the number.

I was then told that the dr only did new patient evals on Monday's and Thursdays. Mondays at 1 and Thursdays at 10.

Well ... I'm in class at that time. This makes it very difficult for me to be there for that. Actually, impossible, I'm not missing class for this. Period. At my age (43) I need to be there for the lectures, i don't need to be missing out on something. my mind doesn' t work as quickly as it did when i was 18.

The reality is, most of the doctors there, do not have this policy, they fit in evals when it fits into the schedules, but this doc, only does them at those times.
An eval is an hour, an appt is an hour ...so the exception for a person who is in class during her evaluation appointment schedule ... who is even having to make the appointment because of an error that their clinc caused?

I'm not budging. They either make the appointment when it fits into my schedule, or they can explain to my doctor that they don't have time for me.

THEY put me into this situation, i did not put myself here. I will not be the one to budge here, and yes, i'm not being flexible about it, I know that ... but i've been more than flexible with them over the eyars as I lost therapists, nutritionists due to their error with insurance, and as they made mistake after mistake ... because the therapists that I worked with seemed to be keeping me on an even keel or keeping me moving forward.

MyFocus,
Great job making that phone call!!

You are strong enough to ask for help ....I admire that. Don't lose sight of that fact.

The scheduling stuff sucks. So frustrating, so irritating. why can't they be more flexible???......jerks.

But....aren't you more important that all of that? Isn't your health and well-being the main priority? Do you know anyone in class who can take notes for you or could you talk to the professor about what you missed?

peace,
kt

ps- would you mind if I pm'd you sometime?

first, no I wouldn't mind if you pm'd me.

Second, school doesn't start until the 18th of August, so I don't know anyone, not professors, not students. They're asking me to schedule a month into the school semester when I won't know if there is a test, a quiz or an important lecture. I also have chronic health issues and need to save missing classes for days that I'm not feeling well.

I saw the psychiatrist today, she said that she talked with the psychologist, who said she *Would* be flexible. So i'm thinking maybe walking up to the window friday to make the appt.

I've got 2 docs right now on my case about being in therapy. One that said that if the ED puts me into crisis with my neuromuscular disease, he won't be able to see me in the hospital if I'm not in treatement. (I don't think he'd do that)
Another today told me that he will run the appropriate tests that I need to check for an ulcer, but, if i'm not actively seeking finding a therapist ...then he will refer me to someone else. If I'm not in therapy by mid october, he will refer me to someone else.

I see a new primary care doc on friday ... my ED stuff is right on top of my chart because of complications from last fall. So i know it will come up in the subject. (same clinic, different doc)

ugh

Holy cow!!! You've got so much going on.

Whatever happens, you have to put your health first. If you aren't healthy b/c of the eating disorder or other health problems you won't be able to do your best in school anyway.

College professors are usually pretty flexible... I recommend you go talk to your professors as soon as you can to introduce yourself. You could try to explain some of the things you'll be dealing with a lot this semester. Just make sure they know that you'll work as hard as you can but might need a little extra help. Most professors will allow you to take make-up tests and give you extensions on assignments. (I guess they might ask for a dr's note). And then when you get into class try to meet some of the other people and see if anyone would be willing to help if you ever need it.

I know it can be hard to reach out for help but it sounds like you need support (not just from doctors and therapists). Most people are glad to have the chance to help someone else.
Maybe you've thought of all these things....sorry if I'm not very helpful. It sounds like things might be overwhelming for you right now.
I wish you the best,
ktgirl