[littlemisszombie]

ive just done the eating disorders test. ive never actually thought i had an actual eating disorder, well, infact, thats not true i suppose, ive thought i have an eating disorder of some sort, but i dont fit nicely into a box of being anorexic or bullemic.

i never actively dieted when i was adolescant. What did happen though, is i had my first baby when i was 20, and if i be completely true to myself, while i was pregnant, i had a preoccupation with being fat after i gave birth, i thought about it every day. i didnt diet. before i was pregnant. i was 9 and a half stone, and before i gave birth i was about 14 stone, i was healthy. my weight returned to 9 stone and i was pleased.

but somewhere along the line, i started to have one meal a day. and id eat snacks. ive had 4 children. im 5foot 8, i weigh 98 pounds, making my bmi 14.2. i look like a prebuscent girl. i want to cry. i have never made myself sick, or actively looked at how many calories this and that contain.

i have already been diagnosed with depression by the dr. a few years back. but ive never mentioned that the root cause for me being depressed is because of my physique. what happened, you see, is that after i had my first baby, after a year had gone by, i was then preoccupied with looking too thin, but i cant put weight on.

i want to. i have known for yonks, years, 14 years infact(my oldest son is 14) that i look too thin, that i want to be even 8and a half stone at least, what i wouldnt give to be at least 8 and a half stone, not even 9 again. yet i dont know why, i cant bring myself to eat 3 meals, even small ones, every day for a week. i ate 3 small meals yesterday, but today i have had nothing but trillions of cups of tea, cigarettes, and 3 mint choc stick sweets.

i am not comfortable with being tagged as having an eating disorder and being labelled "an anorexic" or "a bullemic", i dont think i have an actual eating disorder, yet secretly, and it makes me cry, i know i have some form of eating disorder.

i do have a preoccupation with food, i have shelves full of recipe books. i cook for my fiance and children, and i will eat that meal i have cooked, but i give myself a child sized portion, and i will eat pudding aswell. i dont make myself sick. but i will not have a dinner, or i will make it look like im having dinner by eating a sausage roll and nothing else and then giving myself an even smaller portion of food at tea time. it is like i eat just enough to keep my body working, no more, no less.

my teeth are in a terrible state,though people dont think so because i suppose fortunately my front teeth look healthy, but all the back ones are rotten and i get absceses.

what really has made me "wake up" is that my fiance has said he loves what i look like, yet more and more, he likes the look of people like rihanna, and that kind of build, which i know by looking at their physique is a uk size 10, like i used to be, but until last week i was a size 6. i am now a size 4, but i cant wear size 4 clothes because my arms and legs are too long for them so i have to wear size 6, and they hang off me. i want to get better. i want to look nice again. ive got to get help .