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#1
Jan 13, 2009, 08:08 AM
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So.. Yeah.. To others I'll be a disappointment, to those who don't understand it, to those who thought I was better, that I was out of this, that I'd started to enjoy food again. Nuh-uh. I've always struggled with this.. Always. It'll never leave me, especially not until i'm thin.. I'm so fat and I hate it, I really do.
I was in the shower last night, it was great - nice and warm and refreshing - but then I look down and see the fat and I can squidge it in between my fingers and it.. Ugh it disgusts me! i disgust me! So, Connor tells me I'm losing weight.. Where? How? No way! I'm not losing weight.. I can't be already.. I'm avoiding the scales as much as I possibly can for now.. I know I'm about 150lbs.. I used to be about 130/140 and I was happy, but now I'm like nuh-uh, even that's not low enough. I'll still be fat then. I have to get down to 100lbs I don't care how much pain, hwo much effort, how much avoiding it does, I just have to do it.. I don't care if my dr says something about "you're losing weight rather rapidly", I'll still carry on. No-one'll notice if I wear baggy clothes, if I avoid getting undressed in front of people, if i avoid having people over, going over theirs so I don't have to eat. If I make it to 3 weeks without food, I'll be so chuffed!! I've only ever made it 3 days then given in because people have begged me to eat something. Nuh-uh, no way. Not this time. I'm not going to eat whether people like it or not. I'll bring lunch to college, to "prove" to Connor that I am eating, but I'll just throw it away... Until I have no food whatsoever left in my room. I'll avoid having Connor over until I feel that my weight is low enough and until I feel that I'm thin enough. If he does come over, I'll just make sure I have a loaf of bread in and say I'm living off soup and bread to help my weight go down, because he knows I'm trying to lose weight but he doesn't know I'm starving.. He'd go nuts if he found out.. God, I've got a theory lesson in a minute, I can't be botehred to go, but i'll go anyway.. Uhhmm.. So yeah.. I didn't think I'd start to starve again, but i am and I know that if anyone tries to make me eat, I'll cry.. If I feel the pain and complain someone'll say eat something and I'll cry, both because of the pain and because I just can't eat. I can't.. I'll get fat if I eat, i know I will.. I'm really struggling with this and no-one that knows me understands..  *sigh* I wish that everything could just be normal and that I could feel ok and that I could just be Thin It's All I've Ever Wanted!! Please..l Just let me be thin... |
 Auroralso
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#2
Jan 13, 2009, 08:44 PM
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Sweet K-, I feel your pain and agony about not being thin. I do. I'm struggling with it right at this moment. But honey, you are not being rational right now---3 weeks without eating? Honey, you can't do that. You say no one will know--they'll know when you are passed out on the floor and pray to God it happens when someone is around to find you. We can lose the weight honey, but we have to do it right. You will starve not only your body, but you will starve your mind--your mind is your future, that's where your songs come from, your talent, your gift, your love, your compassion, your caring, your everything. Honey, be careful.
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut 
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#3
Jan 13, 2009, 10:03 PM
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Be real here. Do you want to die or be thin? You will slow your metabolisim down to starvation mode and blah blah blah. What I'm trying to say is your pain is huge right now I get that. What set it off. Who do you need support and love from right now? Has something or someone really hurt you? You need to look at why you are heck bent on destroying yourself. I did it for years and hun I have osteo like you cannot imagine. I thought I was being sneeky. You sound awfully sad and lonely and angry right now. Maybe start there instead of a deit plan. Maybe tell Conner and then ask him if you can talk and cry. Good luck
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| Auroralso, cantstopcrying
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#4
Jan 14, 2009, 05:42 AM
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Quote:
Hi Tiffer ..  great respose to Pain Never lies....... oh I mean dies.Quote:
Sounds like your determined Pain . The ole , Il show you and 'll show me. theres nothing wrong with determination . If its the proper use of the will. I just find I take it to the point of punishment when My mind starts planning methods of overdoing it. I t takes one day at a time of overeating to get overweight. Why should it take the crash course to undo it . It's cheating and it always back fires. I do understand the difficulty dealing with the addictive part . that is whats tough for me. I understand the need to get around it by starving or purging. In the end is the same old same old. You can use your determination to stick with a more moderate food plan that isn't so all or nothing If you choose to. But like tiff said . Get in touch with your ( Anger / resentments) guilt shame or self pity . Thats what fuels the need to over eat and or starve. write them down on paper and then ask for them to be removed from your heart and mind.  Ever heard Of the 3 step shuffle? Like in the Cha cha it usually proceeded with two negative steps from the partner . Its the three steps within step three of the BIG book of AAan example .. The Man 1 your being ridiculous ,  2. calm down The Woman Cha... Anger .... flare up Cha ....Indignation.. realization he stepped on your toes  Cha....Self pity ..  in ability deal out a good response or fear of retaliation for doing so.one, two, cha cha cha. switch to salsa maybe...  sigh.  Patricia
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#5
Jan 15, 2009, 05:47 AM
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I do like your rendition of that, Patricia. It cheered me up a little. I do rather like the salsa :P but I just feel totally out of control with everything in my life right now.. Like everything is so out of reach and that, at the moment, the only thing I can do right is being thin if I just carry on depriving my body of fat and calories..
I've eaten now, because about 5 people were begging me to eat something and I felt guilty, but then felt guilty for eating, but i was with people so couldn't purge.. I'm finishing the meal plan today an going shopping tonight or tomorrow.. but I just know that It'll be.. I'll either eat breakfast and lunch, or lunch and dinner or just breakfast or just lunch or just dinner or breakfast and dinner.. And even then I won't have much.. I have such a strict plan in my head as to the amount of calories and fat grams I will allow myself.. I know 900 calories is starvation mode anyway, I read it somewhere around.. But I can't help but feel that, to me, that is way too much What set it off? Comments from people all my life, my nickname at home being "chubs" always feeling fat.. i used to be proud of my body before the age of ten, I used to feel ok with it when I was restricting from then onwards.. My weight was quite small at that point, but I wasn't happy with it, I was just touching underweight. My sister was a stone heavier than me, same age, my twin.. I felt glad that I was a stone lighter than her and I feel proud of it now.. But.. I bet i'm not that stone lighter anymore. I've always had a small bone structure, held on to my puppy fat and eaten very slowly and not had a huge appetite.. People picked on me for it, said I barely ate, then y eating picked up as I grew older up until I was 10 and people picked on me for eating more.. For eating normal amounts.. I couldn't do anything right, apart from start to heavily restrict my intake and become thinner and thinner. By this time,my weight was down to 8st6, which yes, was underweight.. i didn't know that and barely ever went to the doctors, so they wouldn't have weighed me and said I was underweight. They didn't know I was suffering with depression, until I'd been suffering it for 7 years. Only then did they put me on anti-depressants. And only now do they know that I struggle with food and weight issues.. I'm getting a phonecall from someone from SWEDA sometimes this week or next week to set up a counselling appointment for this damned ED. I'm terrified, but I have to do it.. Connor's getting funny about it saying "why are you doing that, when we're sorting it between us?" I was just standing there thinking 'because it doesn't just take a meal plan to sort i, damn you. It takes sorting out all the underlying stuff that hs caused all this.. *sigh* it makes it so difficult when he doesn't support any of my "right" decisions, like getting the counselling.. It makes me feel like I should be able to "just deal with it" myself. I was raped, that's part of the cause of it.. And because of the comments and because I don't feel like anyone will love me for who I am so I have to change myself, be super thin for them to like me, envy me in a good way.. Be like "wow, she's thin, I really like her, i want to find out how she did it so fast.." If that's the only thing I can be god at and get friends, then so be it. I need love and support from my own twin sister, who is being a complete arse about it because she hates me because I've apparently f*cked up her life See.. Another thing that I get blamed for, when actually it's my adoptive "parents'" fault. She should blame them because they were the ones that kicked me out. I need love and support from my boyfriend, Connor, from his family.. Not just them forcing me to eat every morsel of food on the plate and watching me eat it all.. I need love and support from my birth Mother, but she's ill and suffes with depression and an alcohol problem, so I don't feel like i can tal to her about it, i feel like I'd just be dumping on her. I need love and support from my friends, instead of lectures.. I know it's because they care and don't want to see me hurt, but it just doesn't help when they go off on one at me.. i just want to be thin.. I just want to be loved, to be liked.. To be wanted... But most of all.. To Fit In Somewhere For Once that's it. |
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#6
Jan 18, 2009, 06:14 PM
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[quote=ThePainNeverDies;919487] I just feel totally out of control with everything in my life right now.. Like everything is so out of reach and that, at the moment, the only thing I can do right is being thin if I just carry on depriving my body of fat and calories..
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I had to stop counting calories. Im proportion oriented . I read the labels to let me know if what Im buying has to high of a sugar carb count or very high fat. If choose a healthy food I trust things wil work out. So theres this element of trusting my choices. I make mistakes. Once i thought it was okay to buy orange juice. Gosh I was drinking a gallon a day . plus my usual food . wasn't rocket science to figure out the problem . removed the one food that called to me before the others and I was right where I needed to be. I have the taste factor to deal with thats trial and error. once I find what works for me and at one time nothing was safe . I would purge cottage cheese because I liked it too much pluss id get in this ditraction thinking while eating mode . lets just say if m eating out of the container Im in a bit of trouble. I had to remove some things and was able to incorporate them back in later . Quote:
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many people with eating disorders both over and under hide thier consumption . they over consume in private and appear to eat practically nothing yet they' re over weight. To me its never a mystery cause i know the score. Funny how we decieve ourselves to cover the truth . I did it often . people would ask, "How can you eat so much yet stay so thin.? " Oh I have a high metabolisum...right .... Quote:
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 I was kicked out too. You will get better with out your sisters support. I never have gotten an ounce of recognition from my bro . he needs to keep me ill and crazey so he has someone to blame for his diffculties and for the disruption of the family. Quote:
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[quote] I need love and support from my friends, instead of lectures.. I know it's because they care and don't want to see me hurt, but it just doesn't help when they go off on one at me.. [quote] it never does feel good to be dissmissed Pain ND. They care and love , they just don't know a more effective kinder way or they are frustrated with little change from thier attempts to help. Quote:
LOL fit into some skinny jeans..LOL I guess look for the love thats there . It may be hidden or expressed AZZ backwards at times or come out in short abrupt spurts . When all said and done we are our own best resourses for that love . We can seek to find that unconditional love no one else can give and give it to ourselves. I get glimpses of those who have it and can give it . I work at it myself. Thats the thing about our struggles . We do find others where we fit . even as we recover we will always fit in. love the wolf pain ND ...Patricia
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#7
Jan 20, 2009, 05:42 AM
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No, I never ate secretly at all. If I ate, it'd not be alone. It'd be with the family. They called me chubs because I had my puppy fat still.. I've always had it. I'm trying to lose the other fat I've gained over time. They called me chubs because it was a taunt, something to make me hate myself some more. I never was fat. In fact, I was proud of my figure, when I was restricting.. Because I knew that I was getting thinner. Looking back at those photos, I remember my sister saying "God, your boobs look huge!" that would be the main reason, probably, for them calling me fat. In fact, that is the body part I curse sometimes. And again, looking back at those photos, I think 'my size 10s were starting to get too big then.. Those size 12 trousers that Shana (adoptive Mother and ******!) bought me were huge on me, mabe she did it to make me feel like I looked fat enough to fit into size 12s?' and I get thinking like that and I really wish I was that size again. So, I'm building myself down to it..
A friend of mine was watching me write something and noticed me writing that I'd lost 6lbs in a week. She said "Kirst! That's insane!! You should be losing MAXIMUM 2lbs a week! Not SIX!!!" I felt really sad at that moment and said "I just feel so fat all the time, I feel so.. Yuck, so gross.. I disgust myself a lot of the time.." "But Kirst.. Look at your chest, woman. You wouldn't look right if your stomach was any smaller.. What sizes are you?" "*sigh* Size 10 bottom, size 12-14 top, but I want to be a size 8 bottom..." "Exactly. Kirst, you're perfect as you are.. Size 10 is tiny, you wouldn't look right being a size 8. Trust me. As your friend, and now word of a lie, you're perfect as you are. You do look like you've lost lots of weight recently, I've noticed.. Please, Kirst.. Don't ever drop down to that little an amount of calories again. If you do I'll... I'll stuff an egg sandwich down your throat hehe". I knew she was joking about the sandwich, but I just couldn't help but feel guilty.. She was saying how I'm smaller than her with trouser size and even top size. But.. I just can't help but feel that I need to be even smaller. I Will be a size 8. That's my aim and I'm just too determined now not to fulfill it.. I know they're frustrated with the fact that they feel I'm not improving, I know.. But I jut can't help but feel that need to get skinny. Everytime Connor says "do you want anything from the shop, Kirst?" I say No, because saying no to food, means saying no to fat. Sometimes when he says that, I say No, because it'll make me fat.... Ter" and he gets quite annoyed with that. Whenever I go food shopping, most of my money's spent on fruit, veg and salad.. That's basically all I eat with the occasional bit of meat when someone's eating with me.. To "prove" to them that I am eating properly.. *sigh* I don't know what to do.. I'm getting a phonecall tomorrow hopefully, from a woman who arranges counselling with SWEDA (Somerset and Wessex Eating Disorder Association). I cut the other night because of eating.. My leg's had stitches in it for 6 days now.. I can't help it.. I'd gone 52 1/2 days without it, but eating, feeling fat, feeling like a failure etc. Made me feel so overwhelmed with emotion, frustration and anger, that I dissociated and cut. I didn't realise what I'd done until the blood poured down my leg, then I snapped out of the dissociation and even then, I didn't think I'd need stitches.. Went to my cbt session with a bleeding leg, he didn't notice luckily, then trudged home, blood still dripping from my leg.. This was two hours later! Did it again because my cbt session had been incredibly tough, talking about eeating issues and such, then an hour later, leg still bleeding, went to the hospital to get them tended to.. Now, 6 days later, I can barely walk, my leg's weak, keeps giving way and it's achey and painful. Some people have said to go to hospital to get it checked out because I fell over yesterday, so could've pulled the stitches out.. I don't know whether I ever want to go back there to be perfectly honest. God, today is such a drag
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#8
Jan 20, 2009, 09:26 AM
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(((((((((((((((TPND)))))))))
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#9
Jan 20, 2009, 09:39 AM
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((((((((((((((((K-))))))))))))))))))) I'm glad you are talking to someone from SWEDA.
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut
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#10
Jan 20, 2009, 11:42 AM
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She's not called me yet.. So.. Hm.
I'll have to wait until tomorrow and if she's not called, I'll email them or something and if that doesn't work, I'll fill in the form I've got to see a counsellor. I don't want to!! But it's only because... Because.. Emily and Connor want me to start eating properly again..
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#11
Jan 20, 2009, 12:10 PM
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...and ME too!!
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut
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#12
Jan 21, 2009, 04:41 AM
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Well yes, of course.. You too..
I admit, I've not stuck to the meal plan.. i feel really guilty for that, but I'm finding it way too much, way too difficult, whilst trying, at the same time to figure out which foods make my IBS worse.. I'm really struggling and no-one seems to care.. Connor said I lie when I say that I haven't eaten for 2 days or something.. I said I've never lied about it. People may take "I'm not eating properly" as, I've not been eating all week, but I mean it as that day. If I meant specific amounts of time, I'd say.. He said I'm a compulsive liar, in an effort to defend myself all the time..
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#13
Jan 21, 2009, 11:49 AM
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What a mean thing to say. Have you two talked about why he would say that? Is he just not understanding the things you are saying? I know he has his own depression to deal with; do you think maybe because of that he doesn't really always hear what you say or your intention?
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut
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#14
Jan 22, 2009, 03:49 AM
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It was really mean.. And I admit, I do hide things sometimes, or hold things back.. but that's not in a bad way either, because I'd tell him if he asked. Maybe if he asked, he'd know more, if he took an interest you know?
He thinks that I lie to people about my eating, that I say I'm not eating, when in fact as soon as i get home, i stuff my face full of food. Not True!!! I actually tell peope I'm not eating properly if they ask about it and sometimes, I'll be not eating for a few days and then I'll go and eat junk. Well.. I used to do that.. But now, when I starve, i restrict, then starve and if I eat again, I carry on restricting as much as I possibly can without being caught. I'm getting quite worried now though, because I'm going over to Connor's on the weekend and I know that I'll be given amounts of food and certain foods that normally, if I was made to eat them by Connor, or anyone for that matter, I'd cry about eating.. but I can't just burst into tears at the table.. They'll all know for sure then.. *sigh* I feel so.. Misunderstood.
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#15
Jan 24, 2009, 07:08 AM
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I have a meeting with Anita from SWEDA for Friday 6th Feb.. So we can arrange some counselling.. Next week I start my starve again
Connor's going to go nuts.. But to be honest, I couldn't care less.. On Monday I'm going out for a run, then Tuesday I'll set up a time with Dom and Emily to go in the gym and work out. Then on Friday, I'll be going to step aerobics and Legs Bums and Tums workout. I'll be knackered, but to me, it's worth it. Oh and on Thursday I'll have the self esteem group again.. I hope they forget.. Especially if they'll be cooking again.. I was the last to finish Thursday just gone and it was horrible. I felt like Jason, who know s about me struggling with my ED again, was watching me
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