[lapetitemoi]

I don't know; I feel like I've truly given up this time. I feel so alone- I've been pushed away/discharged (AKA FIRED!) from my treatment team twice over, I have very few friends here in town, and even the friends I made at Remuda Ranch and Remuda Life are starting to cut ties with me.

I'm at "underweight" status right now, though I don't really know my exact weight. I know I haven't lost much lately, due to purging normal- to binge-size meals.

But yes, that is my rant.

[Christina86]

NO giving up! You can persevere. You can, and you will. Just take it one day at a time.

What about getting a different treatment team? Someone or a support system that will put up with you and pull you through? I'm guessing Remuda Ranch was a treatment place? Have you thought about going back to another one or going into a day program?

Rants perfectly allowed. Try to keep eating without purging. One moment at a time.

[tifferific]

When you finally don't give up on yourself that is when they will stick around. Are you really serious about trying or are you mad that they abandonded and left you? Maybe they need to see some work done by you. I have finally found out that truely noone else can save me. Just me.

Originally Posted by lapetitemoi

I don't know; I feel like I've truly given up this time. I feel so alone- I've been pushed away/discharged (AKA FIRED!) from my treatment team twice over, I have very few friends here in town, and even the friends I made at Remuda Ranch and Remuda Life are starting to cut ties with me.

I'm at "underweight" status right now, though I don't really know my exact weight. I know I haven't lost much lately, due to purging normal- to binge-size meals.

But yes, that is my rant.

Hi PetitMoi,

I remember you . You were one of my first five posts on this board and you had a feeding tube As I recall. So your off of that and kicked out,

I think I had some plugs pulled on me in the past. Not sure if they were planned or not . finacial assistance pulled away just as I was in therapy .
how wonderful . Then the therapist up and ending after 6 months . I had been in an accident hit on my bicycle . couldn't go back to waitressing . thank goodness for small favors. I got a job went back in for group and individual .

had my fiancee propose then call off the wedding one week before the event. After he left I had the sexaul abuse memory and that was what made me know I deserved more. Since then Ive had a few relationship mistakes that have shot myself in the foot but I'm still here . not binging or purging and I no longer ride a bike. And Im self employed.and can laugh.

I still getting caught up in relationship sabotage for myself though .

so don't give up.. this is a B*&^ * of a disorder to wrestle with . If you give up you die and you don't want to miss out on the blessings the good days that are to be yours , you will have them . your very young. I recall much younger than when I began my journey, There is much hope for you . the kick in the behind is because people care , try to relax a little right now . and like Tifferific said she knows she has to do this for herself . you Tiff christina others here and yes Moi aussi , are all worth it so grab an oar, Petite were heading to higher ground.

LOL LOL OLLOOOOOOOOLLLLLL

well for a few hours any way... till the next glitch .

just being real ..

Patricia

[lapetitemoi]

Originally Posted by Auroralso

Hi PetitMoi,

I remember you . You were one of my first five posts on this board and you had a feeding tube As I recall. So your off of that and kicked out,

Hey Patricia! Wow, it's taken me awhile to respond to this. No, I didn't ever end up getting the PEG tube because, just before my dietitian put in the referral to the surgeon to get it, she decided not to because she didn't think I could do the feedings on my own at home anyway ("so why even go through a painful surgery?")

That being said, I haven't lost much weight since. I've been pretty much maintaining, much to my chagrin, and due to that, I'm going insane with purging. I didn't have a scale for three months, bought a brand new awesome one, and then my husband busted it to pieces. So now I don't know my weight again, and it's driving me insane. The purging is out of control, and as I've told my husband, I've resigned myself to death.

:\

bought a brand new awesome one, and then my husband busted it to pieces. So now I don't know my weight again, and it's driving me insane. The purging is out of control, and as I've told my husband, I've resigned myself to death.

I shouldn't be laughing Petit, Im pretty visual and these two events though understandable are not compatable. It did make me laugh. Your husband is pretty upset .

I can see you are as well. Have you tried any meds ? Don't you hate that ? How about seeing your T ...

Meds can be over ruled by the mind so they don't always work. I know this from my own slip years ago triggered by a breack up and I was stolen from . It lasted about six months I hate to admidt I was in a slip when My Mom died . But I got out of it . this disorder lies to us Petiti . I lied to myself every day for 14 years . Ill start tomorrow., this will be the last time . In the morning I forgot . I never wanted to do what I was doing. I just didn't have the will to stop. or do what I need to do to stop.

I find myself at a loss for what to tell you. I have told my story here . I work each day to not binge and purge and to do what ever it takes to not do that because it is the single most important thing to me . With out my abstinace i cannot function. That means also to like the body I have even if I weight 155. which has been my weight for many years now. Some may not like it , some may think Im not attractive, those 'somes' are who I don't need in my life. I actually like my body . I'm lucky to have such a beautiful one and a strong one , Petiti. And for years i really thought my body was ugly. No one told me I had a nice one. I had to come to that conclusion on my own. I try to take good care of what I've been blessed with .

In the morning I make my oat meal with cottage cheese ( why be like everyone esle and use brown sugar?) and have my coffee and an orange or some other fruit. No breads no sugar , no pastas. no flour . nothing that triggers me.

That starts me off on the right footing . If my mind or hands grab for something eles a disscussion follows like remember what the consequenses are for having more than whats safe and healthy .

If my hands are grabing for more I need to evaluate whats in the fridge or cupboards and maybe it should not be a part of my meal plan.

My meal plan is very boring , But I love it . I wouldn't trade it for anything else.

other consequences of grabing for more are , more worry , more shame , more need to control , who needs that !

more lying , more hidding , more craving , more buying , more spending money I don't have , More feeling zoned out unable to work or think .

sometimes I try to pray befor i eat asking for help and trying to remember to be grateful for what I'm given . Thats an additional thing Im doing now. If I remember . I get real distracted and forget to do this. I also tend to eat fast I rush.

If I'm hurt and angry durring the day because of what someone said to me or did to me . I try to pray for them , that they experience good things in their life . Its like spitting peanuts because "I" do not want every good thing for them . I do this whe I can't self talk or talk to another or write anything that will limit the hurt.

I just do it. . and when I feel upset I pray the serenity prayer as many times as i can . I just Do it....I don't even worry if it will work and I don't peek to see if it is.

the answers are all around you. Petiti.

you must make a desision or at least pray for the willingness to do so.

I have to work on surrendering my disfunctional will everyday .

well lets just say My ADD mind has its way with me most of the time.

But Im okay and so are you Petiti,

we are lovable ..


~Ps, This may all be BS, But Its all I got......and its what others do to . so we BS ourselves together . and somehow it gets us through one more day.

~ P