Ive always pridied myself in having over come my eating disorder.

I have been through a lot . lots of counseling .and it was on that day when I wanted to look into ADHD about four years ago that I was lead yet again to a diagnosis I had flung at me by a therpist long ago behind closed door who angrily said i should know about this and do somethig about it but we can't help you.

so then I found a site . a forum where peole were riping up individuals left and right . and things began to make sense .
because i have bulimia others are scared of me don't trust me and really are freaked to be around me.

I was befreinded by a person I watched swing back and forth from seeming to care, to making hurtful comments .about such individuals This peron blocked me when I simply tried to stand up for myself .
It hurt me deeply . its happened over and over and I stayed and took it.

recently a man I met at an AA meeting confused me terribly . In my confusion he managed to hug me and tried to kiss me then left saying

I don't want to hurt you.
didn't get my phone number not even my last name.

I was trying to make sense of all of this

Not having even had a hug or kiss i almost 12 years I was quite upset , upset at my vulnerability my confusion I just could'nt put it all together.

I thought why would someone make a move on a woman who was obviously so confused .who opemly expresed her confusiion her concern.

Some very painful things happened as a result of this .
I lost one friend and gained another .
But it went south very quickly here .

In my concern in finding out why This man made moves on me and was in the 12 step program . he made it seem about me .
He mentioned the last woman he knew was for a year and when he asked to date her she sent emails and threated him with an RO for trying to get a piece of ***** as he put it. He said she must have suffered from sexual abuse from her father .

Our corespondance was very enjoyable . I loooked forward to the letters and was hoping to see this man again for easter .

That was till I took offence at a comment he made .
He said he had never seen me Look peaceful

I couldn't figure out why he would say that for all the smiling pictures I sent and the short time I saw him in person I was a little nervous. But I have to say for what he did and the things he said and the confusion of being Swoopped . Id say I handeled it very well. not to bad .

I don't like it when a man in the 12 step program takes my spiritual inventory period . Ive had three years of inventory taking form one thats been more than I can take.

It hurt deeply so thats over .

this happened after the commnet form the woman I worked for about Bulimics being deceptive not trust worthy.

so blow three actually

Now to what happened to me at The dental clinic at VCU .o Monday
oh boy ...

the last time I was there . I was told I wasn't going to be able to be a patient because I had been late three time which was inaccurate .

So after sitting in the chair with a patient rep reading me the riot act of not being able to be late and is it worth your while to drive here will you save any money yad yada. other things . I was so upset I blurted out I have ADD that Im just now working on and I had Bulimia in the past that I have recovered from I have some shame around that having you look in my mouth at my teeth . I had writtien it on my chart { because i want to keep working o the restoration before i loose what I have done }.

so I made another trip with some reluctancey having had my blood pressur sky rocket in PTD mode . Im back and this student and hes friendly calm smiling doing great.. Then he had a faculty member take a look at My front teeth .

the faculty member asks me as hes looking.

Do you have any unusual habits .?

I said not that I know of.

he said . are you sure? I know of someone who swishes coka acola around in thier mouth . ( he shows me by pretending to swish and puff out his cheeks )

you all should be laughing right now actually .. he did look pretty silly.

I responded

No I don't do anything like that .

he persisted and asked Are you sure ?.

I sat there wondering what he wanted .

so I shared . i used to have an eating disorder.

he said . Thats what I was TRYing to get you to say.



Things went from bad to worse . he then said

"You know its not worth your having all this crown work you'll just errode away the work ."

"Then he went on to say he had a relative who had bulimia .

I was in defense mode by this time saying I 'm recovered it was over 20 years ago .even though I can't prove it I have.

as we left I asked the student . Didn't he see it in my chart ? I volunterred it it no mystery. .

He shrugged his shoulders and said .

"I told him ".

as I crossed his open door he was standing there with this look like he wished he could do something to me .

Not long afterwards I was in the lobby crying . I was walking to my next errand and I had this urge to just yell out

I'm BULIMIC !c kick me everyone just kick me .. a couple hours later as I was trying to write to someone about it . It occured to me this faculty member was

way out of line
assuptive
insulting
and he huliliated me in front of another male student .

I felt set up.

Tueday I was i alot of pain I didn't do squat . saw my therapist thank goodness . that night night I went to a darma talk . I took my prayer shawl in there and just sat and knitted and listened to a woman talk about our need to connect
about how a baby who doesn't get that connection just doesn't survive in the worl dvery well . the tears were rolling down my face .as she continued on this vein

I had to leave . I drove my car to another parking lot and I howled like an animal . put the shalw ovr my ope mouth and holed like I have never heard myself utter . I did it for a long time ,

I'm still in pain.
all I have ever wanted to do is Love a man

to connect . and with other people as well I do and have

why are they doing this to me

I really with all of what Ive experienced

I just have so much hurt I feel like my skins on fire

my heart is split open
Im so hurt I can't tell you I have cried for days

i have done all I can do

its just not enough..................
and right now I wish I could just shrivel and float away some where,

how can I even try to meet some one ..how .

This is a copy of a letter I sent to the head of the specific dental department ,

I gave it a bit of thought prior as to if I hould or not . I decided I had to for me and for others .
I have no idea what will happen .
Im used to being brushed aside


Hello Dr.XXXXX,

My name is Patricia XXXXX. I am a Caucasian 53 year old woman who Is in need of restorative dental treatment that I have put off due to financial constraints . After the last root canal I had In may of 2008 at 900.00 . I knew I was going to have to try to find some kind of fee reduction to make this happen. While looking for a dentist who had a sliding scale in XXXXXX I was referred to the XXXX clinic who referred me to the dental school. I was in pain at the time I started the quest last august .. a molar that has a crack chip that has been patched for now.

I knew the next step was to start having this work done but from a few concerns with past work this dentist had done I didn't feel comfortable going forward with anymore work and with his retirement coming soon I thought it best to move on. Much of the crown and bridge work he did did not fit when he put it on. he had to do a lot of adjustment on the crowns and on my teeth to make them fit. I don't know if this is customary or if another crown should have been made rather than make it fit. I don't always speak up much of the time.

The bridge I had was a difficult one to do I'm certain. It had to have a root canal soon after it was made . It may have been loose prior to the root canal. decay got underneath . when I went in to have it looked at I was blamed for it all some how. The bridge has been cemented back on about five times over the years. I'm not certain it ever did fit . So here I am with a problem bridge that cost me many cements .that with having to return to have other work Filled down the next day after it was done so I could floss. This had me wondering if I was getting the care I had gotten earlier from other dentists in the past. There were some other uncomfortable things happen such as a friend of the dentist who was working the front desk gave me a book to read one time and said to turn to a specific page .

It was a story about a woman who had a sever eating disorder the pain and the shame she felt and how this dentist made a new smile for her. .

It made me very uncomfortable Dr,XXXXX.

So Did my interaction with Dr.XXXXX this past Monday . I was having a inventory of my mouth when Dr. X Had DR. XXXX have a look . As he was looking he asked me.

"do you have any unusual habits"

I said no, not that I know of

He said I have a friend who takes coke a cola and swishes it around in their mouth ( and he demonstrated for me.)
I said no I don't do anything like that .
he persisted and said are you sure?..

wanting to give him some sort of answer I shared I had a eating disorder in the past.

he said . I was TRYNG to get you to say something about that.

a few other things were said fairly fast . among these things .

"It's not going do you any good to put all this money into to crown work and have it erode away."

By this time I was really on the defensive. having to try to explain My recovery and it was in the past .there are other factors as to why my teeth are the way they are . always short . poor teeth from birth , tooth grinding dentist filling down the other front tooth to match the chipped front tooth I had since third grade..

then he shared that there was someone close to him a relative who had bulimia and was struggling with it.

As we were leaving I asked Dr.X if Dr XXXXhad read my chart . I wrote that I had written Bulimia on it.
he said to me that he had Told Dr XXXX. I had it. As I passed a door way Dr.XXXX stared at me with a disturbing look that left me wondering if he was angry or disliked me .

I found myself crying in the lounge area afterwards.

A couple hours later I was at Paneras writing to a friend about what happened . I re viewed what transpired , what was said to me . Also the month prior when I was upset in the chair after being told I had been late three times for appointments which was inaccurate and had to defend myself for getting lost was due to my attention deficient disorder that has gone untreated just starting to deal with it after all these years . I blurted out to Dr, X my struggle with that and some about my "recovery " from bulima and how I had worked so hard for so many years.
.

I can't find any reason that justifies Dr.XXXX questioning /assumptions about me . It was insulting and humiliating.. very unprofessional

I have racked my brain for some answers .
maybe there's one possible glitch .

Did my first screening questionnaire not make it to the advanced dental clinic where I had written down I had Bulimia? I never did receive a return call and had to call several times to get my first screening appointment with Advanced.

But even if you didn't receive my initial screening and referral .

Dr X was told a little history and he said he informed Dr,XXXX.

Women with Bulimia are not just trauma survivors they have their boundaries violated over and over .
real care needs to be in place when addressing an issue with a woman especially if she's active . this will just increase the need to binge and purge..

Maybe discussing with another caring woman who's knowledgeable about the disorder in private will prevent being re shamed in front of another man by a man .

My Bulimia was from 1972 to 1981. It took me from 1981 to 1985 to stop what I could not stop.

My disorder didn't have a name when I was 16. I thought I was the only one . I certainly didn't want to have happen what was happening to me . I got no help. I was kicked out the house as soon as I turned 18 and when I was 26 I learned of the sexual l trauma I had endured by my own father.

I have Little room for treatment Like I received from Dr. XXXX ..

I think its in my best interest that Dr, XXXX not have any interaction with me on any level.
I'm not sure what to do now ,

I've been recovered for 23 years . I can't prove my abstinence but I have and am . I work as a XXXX I have no other assistance.no family . no booming finacial windfall that points to any recovery per sea . I stll struggle with esteeme issues . Im reclusive because of past stigma from others.

My abstinence is the most important thing in my life .
And I'd like to not loose any more teeth. And if I could have a " not discolored smile" due to

the old bonding that's been re bonded over and just touched up when chipped That would be nice.

how to do the fiacing that ive been asked each time Ive been seen is distressing . Something will work out Ill get more work or emotinally some of this sort of above will stop happening and I won't loose days of work because Im home in more pain.crying .


Help me do that with no more added shame,

and not having to prove myself . This is the very thing I try to avoid . My privacy is important to me for such reasons as what has transpired.


Patricia XXXX


Im tired of suffering silently and taking kicks from others . I do not have to share my recovery with anyone I do not have to tell a dentist if i do not feel its in my best intrest . I did nt feel i needed to share my eating disorder history with my last dentist tht I stuck with for over ten years. My Bulimia had been arrested except for six months in the last 23 years .
thats amazing I think .

only now am I seeing how dentists think . Im floored to realize that I can have poor work done but that I have had an eating dsiorder puts me to blame because
Bulimics can't be trusted ..

Im trying to put myself in the care of God.

what is it that you want me to do ? Is what Im asking cause this is just painful .

I no longer feel safe

I wish I coud just not have to go get any help . it seems nothing matters

I no longer wish to try.

Patricia

[tinaseajed]

Hi there,

I am a recovering Bulimic, too. I've been doing therapy and Al-Anon recovery for a long time, but I am just now back in OA after a five-year relapse. I identified with a lot of your post and many of the issues that have been coming up in my relapse recovery work mirror the things you described.

I'm not sure why, but my ED has a lot to do with others taking things out on me and my sensitivity to it. Seems like I was born with a much thinner skin or somehow attract negative attention. I eat to soothe myself, to fall asleep. I imagine that if I were prettier [thinner] people woudn't do that to me.

I don't know the answers, but I do know that things need to change. For what its worth it is nice to hear from another Bulimic who is suffering.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((((((Patricia)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you are in so much pain.
I can relate to so much of what you write.
It sounds like the dentist behaved badly and was unfair to you.
You are amazing, for having recovered from bulimia.
Keep your mind focused on your strengths and accomplishments - everyone else who hurts you or belittles you is not worth anything.

Originally Posted by tinaseajed

Hi there,

I am a recovering Bulimic, too. I've been doing therapy and Al-Anon recovery for a long time, but I am just now back in OA after a five-year relapse. I identified with a lot of your post and many of the issues that have been coming up in my relapse recovery work mirror the things you described.

I'm not sure why, but my ED has a lot to do with others taking things out on me and my sensitivity to it. Seems like I was born with a much thinner skin or somehow attract negative attention. I eat to soothe myself, to fall asleep. I imagine that if I were prettier [thinner] people woudn't do that to me.

I don't know the answers, but I do know that things need to change. For what its worth it is nice to hear from another Bulimic who is suffering.

Hi Tina,

I'm not sure why, but my ED has a lot to do with others taking things out on me and my sensitivity to it. Seems like I was born with a much thinner skin or somehow attract negative attention. I eat to soothe myself, to fall asleep. I imagine that if I were prettier [thinner] people woudn't do that to me.

This is how I feel or would think about what I experience. I don't know about the attracting negativity. I really can't figure it out either.

I do know I "pick up" o alot of stuff from others I sense it I feel it.

attracting negative attention. I sometimes think maybe Im judged by my outsides. Outwardly Im real tall and strong and I don't know how others see me . But inwardly I have suffered repeated trauma over and over.
I think outwardly people project onto me all kinds of stuff . And I carry thier projections and assumptions. The more I share about my eating disorder and abuse the worse it gets and the more they pile on .

I feel the need to hide and to protect because i don't know how to deflect .Its such hard work. and is unending. When I do stand up for myself im met with some real lash back and bame.

It means so much to me for you to respond . Thanks so much for reaching out. I'm glad your here. and I don't feel so alone today.
Happy Spring..

Patricia

Originally Posted by ktgirl

((((((((((((((((((((Patricia)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you are in so much pain.
I can relate to so much of what you write.
It sounds like the dentist behaved badly and was unfair to you.
You are amazing, for having recovered from bulimia.
Keep your mind focused on your strengths and accomplishments - everyone else who hurts you or belittles you is not worth anything.

Thank you KT girl for your empathy. Nice to see you. And hope things are going well for you and you have lots of loving people in your life.

Patricia

[beth16]

Patricia. I am really sorry you were treated so poorly. People just seem to lack sensitivity and compassion - let alone respect. I just want you to know I am thinking of you today. Someday I wish the world would not respond out of cold hearted ignorance towards us, but would respond out of genuine compassion and concern for one another.

It is the first day of spring today. Spring always reminds of a fresh new year - new flowers blooming, and the earth begins to awaken after a long winter. It makes me happy. I always feel energized this time of year. Sending you a little ray of Spring sunshine.

Take care, Beth

Originally Posted by beth16

Patricia. I am really sorry you were treated so poorly. People just seem to lack sensitivity and compassion - let alone respect. I just want you to know I am thinking of you today. Someday I wish the world would not respond out of cold hearted ignorance towards us, but would respond out of genuine compassion and concern for one another.

It is the first day of spring today. Spring always reminds of a fresh new year - new flowers blooming, and the earth begins to awaken after a long winter. It makes me happy. I always feel energized this time of year. Sending you a little ray of Spring sunshine.

Take care, Beth

Hi Beth,

I just got a response form my letter. Something inside told me not to open it. what came to me next was.
I wish I had a boyfriend , friend anyone who could read it for me . Screen the response.

What came next was to take it to my therapist On Monday. Ill have her read my letter and then see if she wil read the response and screen it.

As a survivor I have made a few letters like this only they were all ten years to late.

the respnses I got were we can't help you , no records , Don't remember .

Its taken me years to respond to treatment thats not helpful or detrimental to me.

-One was from a therapist
_-I was molested by an alegist at my local university hospital .
who wrote in my chart.

"in therapy for a sever mental disorder'

this doctor was alone in the room with me no nurse present. He "knew exactly what he was doing."
that happend the same year I went in to see a GP doctor in a clinic because i was having the flu /cold. It was a one time event also.

That I had bulimia was in my chart. When he asked me some questions one of them was .
was I throwing Up.

I said do you mean because I'm sick.

In lightning speed and with anger he attacked me with verbal staements about bulimia .
It was a rant directed at me . His wife had the problem he told me.

I was again "ALONE" in the office with him no nurse was present.
I was shaking and had sweat pouring from my arm pits.

I said nothing just like I did with the alergist. walked out in what I now know to be PSTD mode.

Now I do two things . wish to not be alone in a room with another doctor and now dentist. which is not easy.

and to act proptly right after something is done or said.
I wish I had someone in my corner but i don't

I wish I had someone to stand up for me but I don't .
Im to brow and heart beaten up right now .

It is spring . I love spring its my favorite time of year. I need to be out working for my clients. Im having a difficult time enjoying th beauty as it fast approaches. right now.

Im crying not from depression but from pain. all of it. and i don't want to be seen.

Im not in bed with the covers pulled over my head but that would be a nice thing to be able to do.

for now Im just going to withdraw .

I hope My therapist will agree to screen the leter for me because i can't take another

its me and we can't help you response.

no appology

I just can't and I don't deserve it.

gonna make myself go out now ..

If I were the head of that particuar dental clinic and I got that letter.
Id be pulling that faulty member into my office and say .
Dr. XXXX

this will be your last semester in this clinic .good luck finding a new position.

But Im not part of the good ole boy circle . Im just a client with an eating disorder . what do I know.

Patricia

[beth16]

Patricia,

I just wrote a reply and lost it all. Grrh! I think you are very wise and letting your counselor screen that letter for you. You have been hurt way too many times. It is often difficult to be couragess when one gets repeatedly hurt, but I admire your courage and perserverence.

I am here for you. I hope Monday goes well for you, I will be thinking about you.

take care, Beth