[SCSC]

I’m new here, so I’m not sure if this is the right forum to post on. Mods can move if I’ve goofed. I also admit, I had no idea what to title this thread.

I’m trying to understand a colleague. She seems to favour men above women no matter the circumstance. For instance, she’ll take the side of a man in any discussion and rationalize some pretty bad behavior even if she has to twist herself in a knot to do so.

Just a couple of for instances among others. She told a woman whose live-in boyfriend was trying to have sex with her when she was asleep and who had already told the bf the sex was unwanted that this was just he bf trying to express his love for her. (A bit more background: the bf did not work, he was pressing for sex several times a day and she had told him to back off, she worked and also took care of a special needs child; her bf stayed home on the Internet all day).

Second for instance: a woman whose husband was a diagnosed with a sex addiction that he had had in-patient treatment for it reported that her husband was ridiculing her for not being sexually experienced enough, comparing her to women he had been with, and was generally eroding her sexual self-esteem. My colleague told her that her husband’s behavior toward her had nothing to do with his sex addiction and that she should be more open to fulfilling his sexual needs.

There are many more instances. Now, here’s a little background about my colleague. She prides herself on being rational, highly organized (admits to getting controlling sometimes), and having a lot of knowledge of relationships. She has taken Landmark seminars. She describes herself as a sexual submissive and seems to include the ‘traditional role’ of women in her sexual submission. For instance, she talks about her boyfriend bringing her ironing to do for him as a sexual turn-on. So I suppose she is basically a life-style submissive. She seems particularly focus on giving oral sex. She will talk about her sexual encounters with her bf in great detail.

She had a very close relationship with her dad, and I can’t recall her mentioning her mother. She has a special needs child and is clearly devoted to her, and takes great care of her. Except for advice to women that I find oddly tone deaf to women’s needs and dignity, she often gives very wise advice and she very intelligent. She does appear to have difficulty admitting she is wrong, and we’re all wrong sometimes. I can’t be sure, but I think she may be an ISTJ.

I don’t judge her sexual preferences. I’m just describing them in the hope of getting an understanding of her behavior and how she got to where she is.

Has anyone else encountered this sort of grouping of traits or have any insights in what goes into to forming them?

[SnakeCharmer]

Your colleague has a sexual fetish. I don't happen to agree with her opinions and if I heard someone saying such things, I'd probably openly disagree with it or ignore it, depending on the situation. If she tried to foist her opinion of submission/dominance directly on me, I'd tell her no thank you. It's her thing, there's nothing wrong with it as long as it doesn't hurt her, but, IMO, it could be harmful to foist it off on other people who do not subscribe to her ideas about female submissiveness to male dominance. She's basically telling another woman to submit to sexual abuse. That's very bad.

Here's a big concern ... you call her a colleague. Do you work together with her and these other women? Are these conversations taking place at work? These conversations belong in private among trusted friends. If other co-workers who disapprove keep overhearing such conversations, they would have legit grounds for a complaint to human resources.

I suggest you stop listening to her altogether. Especially if any of this is discussed at your place of employment. She's entitled to her opinions as long as she applies them to her own life, in private. And you're entitled to to not have to hear about it. She's advocating domestic and sexual abuse. In my opinion, what she's advocating to these other women is stupid, bordering on evil, because the others are not into the submission thing. They're not volunteering to be abused as your colleague is.

If someone talked to me that way at work, I'd tell them to stop. If they didn't, I'd be howling to human resources. The woman has no sense of boundaries. I suggest you keep away from her, tell her you're not interested and then avoid sexual discussions while at work.

If you're interested in pursuing dominance and submission in your own sexual life, keep it away from your place of employment and talk about it to other people in private. Although I don't like the idea myself, there's nothing wrong with it as long as it's your own idea and you volunteer ... and, of course, things don't go too far. If a person is not a volunteer for this role, then they are a victim of abuse. Sometimes the distinction between a victim and a volunteer gets blurred. Don't let that happen to you.

[SCSC]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Your colleague has a sexual fetish. I don't happen to agree with her opinions and if I heard someone saying such things, I'd probably openly disagree with it or ignore it, depending on the situation. If she tried to foist her opinion of submission/dominance directly on me, I'd tell her no thank you. It's her thing, there's nothing wrong with it as long as it doesn't hurt her, but, IMO, it could be harmful to foist it off on other people who do not subscribe to her ideas about female submissiveness to male dominance. She's basically telling another woman to submit to sexual abuse. That's very bad.

First thank you for your reply. It is helpful to me. I have to admit, her responses to these situations make my eyes bug out. And I have found myself in the position of having to speak against them in no uncertain terms. That hasn't made me popular with her.

She has even accused me of bullying. I don't want to bully anyone, and frankly, I'm seeking outsider insight so I can understand her better and maybe find a better way to intervene.

Here's a big concern ... you call her a colleague. Do you work together with her and these other women? Are these conversations taking place at work? These conversations belong in private among trusted friends. If other co-workers who disapprove keep overhearing such conversations, they would have legit grounds for a complaint to human resources.

It's a bit difficult to explain the context. It's online and a meant to place for all manner of discussion. So the topics are not out of line. But I do agree with you that she is sometimes advocating women put up with abuse.

I suggest you stop listening to her altogether. Especially if any of this is discussed at your place of employment. She's entitled to her opinions as long as she applies them to her own life, in private. And you're entitled to to not have to hear about it. She's advocating domestic and sexual abuse. In my opinion, what she's advocating to these other women is stupid, bordering on evil, because the others are not into the submission thing. They're not volunteering to be abused as your colleague is.

If someone talked to me that way at work, I'd tell them to stop. If they didn't, I'd be howling to human resources. The woman has no sense of boundaries. I suggest you keep away from her, tell her you're not interested and then avoid sexual discussions while at work.

If you're interested in pursuing dominance and submission in your own sexual life, keep it away from your place of employment and talk about it to other people in private. Although I don't like the idea myself, there's nothing wrong with it as long as it's your own idea and you volunteer ... and, of course, things don't go too far. If a person is not a volunteer for this role, then they are a victim of abuse. Sometimes the distinction between a victim and a volunteer gets blurred. Don't let that happen to you.

I don't mind a bit of playing the submissive role in bed, but life-style submission makes me want to run the other direction. I really can't imagine being aroused by doing some man's ironing. I might even consider it sadistic if someone made me iron.

The odd thing is, despite her apparent embracing of submission, she strikes me as both very controlled (on her own behalf) and controlling. I believe the term for it in the fetish community is "topping from the bottom."

[healingme4me]

According to Freud, a submissive chooses to submit over the guilt of wanting to dominate.

Why she chooses to dismiss the fact other women are actually suffering, however, doesn't seem atypical of the D/s lifestyle.

I don't clearly see how that, itself might fall in line with an Electra complex, per se(not your words, my first thought), yet seems she'd toss others into involuntary submission, when it needs to be voluntary.

Hope that adds to your wonderment of what makes this particular online colleague tick and tock?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk