Hello everyone, this will b most likely my only post on this website, and I'll delete my account if I can once I get some feedback. All I'm going to say about my in terms of identity is I'm 21, Male, and i'm in the USA.

Well, I have always been bad at starting things, so I'll just jump right in with some details about my thoughts and feelings, and my question. If I can figure out how to word it in my head all that well.

Well my issue is that I know not exactly if my mental health is at a normal level or not. Here is what has been going on, i'll start bluntly. I have 2 Schizophrenic uncles, well had 2, one died in his 20's, My father has some massive paranoia disorders, my grandma isn't fully sane and from my understanding has never been quite right, and there is also a large amount of depression and sever depression in my family. Myself I know I have depression, haven't been diagnosed but I was suicidal from 12-18, and even still think about myself dying quite often, different ways to go, all suicide. I know I wouldn't do it, but I think about it, I feel down constantly, drained all the time, I find myself staring off into space feeling empty, have most of the time since I was around 12, but somehow I still feel colorful in a way. I don't know how to explain it in words, only experience can truly transpose what I feel, but words are the only things we can use.

The Depression isn't as far into my worries and into my question as what I am about to say next, so here it goes. I noticed my thoughts over the past years, like, thinking god is watching my life through my eyes and recording it like cameras, Thinking that if I imagine a person watching me do something, then that really telepathically transmits to them and they can see it, and things like if I cant flip the remote 3 times perfectly without messing up with my eyes closed and catch it the same each time, otherwise something bads going to happen or my soul will be damned to hell, have gotten worse and ore intense. Of course now, in my 20's I know it's all not true, but in the moment I feel like it is. I recently moved to my moms house because my father was well.. Not great, wouldn't let me out much, wouldn't get me a car, kept me from getting jobs, etc. Well since I moved, I can't sleep with my closet door open because I feel like my mom and her new husband put a camera there, even though i'm like, 90% sure they didn't, I looked for cameras in the drill holes in the walls, in the plant my sister bought me, in the fabric of my moms husbands hat, I felt like the sun glasses had cameras and every time I go into the bathroom I had to turn it away, plug a few drill holes with toilet paper, and turn the razor on the counter away because I thought it might shoot a razor at me, and then i'd die, I always have to look behind me in the car because I always feel like someone out of no where is going to plow into me going 80 mph either on purpose or by accident, and then I'd die.Things like that, I feel like i'm always being watched, I feel like god, who I don't believe in myself, is watching me, and people I know are watching my thoughts. Sometime my mind runs off and thinks of things I don't like, and I have to think of a red x over it and a voice say "No" Because I felt if I didn't, then everyone will read my mind and think that that is something I like. There are alot of incidents like this, and it makes me paranoid and nervous and like maybe reality isn't reality. I even wrote a few pages in philosophical journal trying to prove without a doubt that reality exists though logical conclusions. It was hard, but I think I have it solid, but that didn't help much.

I keep myself occupied, I taught myself German, Norwegian, Danish, Swedish, Dutch, and some Scottish and Icelandic as well, Taught myself the violin, I'm a chess expert with an almost 2100 rating now (My goal is to be a GM), taught myself mathematics, philosophy, physics, almost anything I can, and it works to keep myself occupied, but any second i'm resting, it comes all back. While im studying chess I feel like I'm in a movie, I play music in my head or on the computer and I feel like the most important person in the world, I end up thinking I am meant to be this and that, and everything hangs in the balance depending on if I can become what I want or not. The upside is the drive made me a chess expert in almost 2 years haha but It's all a bit. I don't want to say worrying, but, odd, a little scary, and exhausting. any opinions? Sorry for the long post, I really got into it.

[pegasus]

Hello Hidden1, welcome to Psych Central.

Even though you have some mental illness running in the family, that does not mean automatically that you will also be affected. Ways of coping with stress (or not) can be handed down through the generations. You sound to me like a remarkable person, with energy and lust for life and learning.

We can't diagnose here, it's difficult on the internet, from what you have described it can be anything for anxiety (which can make you feel paranoid,) right through to psychosis. Psychosis is a reaction to severe distress. Depression and bipolar can also have psychotic features. You might find it helpful to try these online tests, these can give you more of an idea of what is going on... Psychological Tests and Quizzes and The Sanity Score - Test Your Mental Wellness

Please also consult with your doctor, you can print out the results to the tests above and show them to him.

[H3rmit]

As pegasus said, we can't diagnose you. As you imply, those sure sound like schizophrenic type symptoms - the special message or godlike importance, the paranoia, feeling watched. The good thing is you know it's not true. It seems pretty persistent, as you say it comes in if you don't keep busy.

I know someone who lives with other similar symptoms of unreal perceptions that are quite oppressive and disturbing at times, but he knows they aren't real. He tells me from his research these things come on in your late teens and by your late 20s they probably won't get any worse. He won't take medication, so he won't go to a doctor. You may feel differently, and of course his general research may not even apply to you, and he could be wrong, but he's doing very well and almost 30 years old now.

I would worry whether the unreal perceptions/thoughts might cross that barrier of me knowing they aren't real. Lucky for me, that is not my problem. I think pegasus' point about stress management is very important for this and many other mental health things.

Thank you for the welcome, but I won't be here long, A bit of opinion was all I sought. You folks seem pretty nice though, I was expecting to get chewed out for some reason, I was nervous when I saw someone replied even.

I have done some research into Schizophrenia and Depression. Apparently there are some Genetic factors, but mostly it's life experience and handling things. I have had alot of bad experiences, but so far I think I have been dealing with it decently, could be worse I suppose. and thanks, I love researching things, I love thinking all I can. When my minds not active, I feel unproductive.

Yeah I know you guys can't give diagnosis, but I figure I'd get some external opinion seeing as I'm me and only me, no one else so I only have my own experiences to go on. I think anxiety has something to do with it all, I always thought these things but since the move it's been more intense, I think because I spent the last 9 years of my life in an area with almost no people, in a basement, and now im around things and I don't like social situations. it's alot. I took a couple quizes, like that sanity quiz, my highest scores were in Depression, Anxiety, and Schizophrenia. I don't think I have Schizophrenia, but I have the combo of the first two and the mentality that anything is possible, which sometimes goes wrong haha. but I don't know. Thanks for the advice, I'll see a doctor when I can find a way to do that without anyone knowing.

Hi Hidden1, You sound like a very bright and creative person. I honestly believe that talking with a psychiatrist and/or therapist would be of great benefit to you. I think you would find that a lot falls into place by checking things out with a mental health professional.

Yeah I think I just have alot of paranoia, it's like in the moment I don't question weather or not it's true, but after, when I do think about it after, I am about 90% sure it's not true. So atleast my love for logical evidence pays off in that sense. Yeah it's very persistent, almost a daily thing for me

I hope they don't get worse, I have been like this for a long time, but recently over the past year or so, especially in the past few months, it's been intense, really intense. I'm happy to hear that your friend is doing good, and it's good to know someone knows someone who has something similar going on. Myself, I will never take medication, I haven't been to a doctor about any of it, and I don't have a doctor I see for anything at the moment. the last time I went to a doctor was for an appendix removal, that was about 3 years ago. But at some point i'd like to do some kind of check up, but only if I can be sure none of my family or friends know about it.

Thank you for your reply, I'll keep it all in mind. For some reason I still feel a bit empty and confused, maybe that's something that will just not go away in any case.

Thank you for your comment, I agree that maybe I should seek out a psychiatrist at some point. Therapy I have never been a fan of, I saw a court mandated therapist when I was 15 when I got into some trouble, wasn't a great experience. But then again, I only saw one out of the many therapists out there, so that's all in the realm of possibility as well. thanks

[~Christina]

You sound like a wonderful talented driven person.. As others have said no one here can diagnose, Some of your symptoms should be brought up to a Doctor since they are a concern to you.

I hope you decide to stick around PC instead of just leaving after this post.. There is alot of support and info to be found here.

Take care