[Jenni855]

I have a week off work and it is also my birthday on Wednesday. My colleague normally brings her kids in to see me during school holidays. I haven't let her know I won't be there tomorrow as I don't feel I have to let her know my constant whereabouts when she doesn't give me the time of day anymore. She also is kind of spadoric when she brings the kids to see me anyway. I guess I just feel guilty as I think the kids may be disappointed tomorrow when they see my colleague instead of me. I am really close with them but not their mum anymore (She used to be a friend). Am I doing the right thing just letting her show up and not finding me there? As I say I am not friends with her anymore and I figure that if she is that bothered, she would ask me herself.

[kaliope]

I think it is appropriate to call and let her know that you will not be there tomorrow just in case she is planning on bringing the kids. you are not doing it for her convenience. as you said, the kids would be disappointed if they didn't see you there. you are doing it for them.

[Jenni855]

I didn't and now I feel guilty.
I just feel that she is never considerate to me or even talks to me anymore so why should I her? I only texted her last week to let her know i wouldn't be around as it was a public holiday (Separate occassion to this one) and i feel that if i did so again, i would be hassling her as I know she must hate contact with me. Yet on the other hand, the kids do care and like you say would be disappointed. I feel like I have let them down.

[SnakeCharmer]

Jenni, are you in counseling? I ask because you've posted about this situation of not seeing the kids you love over your colleague unaccountably ending your friendship and it seems to have hit you very hard. At first, it sounded as if you might be suffering a normal reaction of loss and grief, but maybe it's moved over into depression.

I have had times in my life when normal sorrow morphed into a depressive episode, something that engulfed all my feelings. Could something similar be happening to you?

You might not need long-term-therapy, but some sessions could help you understand this morass of distress you're in and give you some help restarting your social life so the actions or inactions of your colleague and former friend don't hurt you so much. I'm so sorry you're going through this hard time.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Jenni855]

I'm sorry, I feel very embarrassed now and like I am a really disturbed person. Here is the only place i can talk about it all. I feel ashamed to have gone on about it as much as I have but it is, my only outlet. I hope I don't sound like some utter weirdo.

[SnakeCharmer]

No, no, I'm sorry if I gave the impression I thought that. I don't think you're a weirdo or a highly disturbed person at all. But I do think you've been deeply hurt by the inexplicable actions of your colleague and former friend.

There's nothing at all wrong with feeling distressed and sorrowful when we've suffered a great betrayal and disappointment. From reading your other threads as well as this one, I can see how painful the whole thing has been for you.

I just know how helpful it was to me to talk to a counselor when a serious betrayal and life disappointment left me reeling with sorrow.

It's really normal for people here to suggest counseling when someone is hurting. Not because we think the other person is mentally ill, but because we know from our own experiences that a counselor can help us get through really painful life experiences. For instance, a bad breakup.

People often benefit from therapy when they've experienced a difficult break-up. In my opinion, the break up of a friendship and not being able to see the children involved is every bit as painful as any other kind of break up, sometimes more so.

Please keep posting here, venting if you have to. I'm sorry that what I said came out sounding critical of you. That's not what I meant at all. You sound like a loving person to me, one who has had her heart broken.

You've been hurt and the fact that you have to keep working with your former friend helps keep the hurt fresh. I feel for what you're going through. I really do. I experienced something similar myself in the past and it took me quite a long time to get through it because there was no way I could avoid the person who had wounded me.

I can say now I got over it and it doesn't hurt at all any longer. But it did take talking to a sympathetic counselor to get to that point. I know how deep your pain is. I'm sorry my earlier post came out all wrong and hurt your feelings.

[Jenni855]

Thank you for clearing that up, I guess I just felt freaked out that I was coming across as some psycho stalker person and that made me feel terrible. I do find it really helpful to talk about on here but don't want to cause annoyance.
Thanks again for clarification and your understanding.

[marmaduke]

Don't feel guilty, its not like you promised to be there, or that she contacted you about it. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You do not exist just to please others.
Enjoy your holiday.

[Jenni855]

Thanks Marmaduke, that has reassured me x

[Jenni855]

Update- She didn't even know I was off. My colleague said she went to give me a gift from her sons and was rude to her when said colleague told her I was away for the week. I then got a text from her saying 'Didnt realise you weren't in, when are you back?" Seems all put out that I didn't tell her my plans. She was the only one in the company who didn't know I was away. How quickly friends can turn into strangers

[pegasus]

Hello Jenni855, depression can make us push people away. I wonder if this is what is really going on with you. You don't sound certain that you want this friendship to end really. Maybe you could arrange a time for you and your 'friend' to talk.

[brainhi]

I guess others may respond differently...but I might have followed up a w/text or whatever...and let her know you thought she knew... you were off and that you appreciate being thought of by her children. Take the high road. You do not need to be friends with this person, but you can be polite - whether you feel she deserves it or not.

I have a couple co-workers that I do not get along with...but I do take time to notice and thank them if they did something nice or helpful. Do they deserve it - not for me to decide - you can only try to manage your reaction to others - you cannot change them.

[Jenni855]

I am done trying to fix this friendship when all she does is abuse it. I have been nothing but good to her and it constantly gets thrown back in my face. I just wish I didn't care so much about them all, would make things so much easier.
I did text back thanking her and telling her when I was back but it did annoy me that she seemed put out that she didnt know where I was when she doesn't give me the time of day normally.

[sugibabie]

Too Cute you're not a weirdo !

[Jenni855]

What me?