[Shawn A]

I’m in need of some answers. For as long as I can remember I’ve always had a problem socializing myself with others and also constant vivid images in my head. Whether it be sexual, violent or just plain weird if I were to attempt to try to stop thinking about it, I would either twitch or continuously rub my hands together as if I were washing them. I soon began to notice when I become nervous, angry or upset red blotches would appear on my chest and spread to my shoulders. It would only last 10 minutes the most, but this never stopped. After a while I started catching on to my behavior that I was subconsciously showing…such as to sometimes avoid stepping on the white lines at an intersection or counting each step as I go up and to try and make sure I end the flight of steps with the same foot. As I got older the vivid images that would constantly pop in my head began to scare me. I knew that I was not capable of these actions, but I always asked myself why am I thinking of this? Or why is that I can’t shake this off by thinking of something positive? Eventually the questions that filled my head created an endless cycle of uncertainty. Before I leave the house I must look at myself in the mirror over 10 times just to make sure there arn't any flaws. It get's so bad that I would leave me room which already has a body mirror to just go to the bathroom and stare at myself there. I get called a perfectionist at times and it's not like that term repeats in my head everyday. To have irrational sexual or violent images in my head at random was killing me on the inside. I began distancing myself from others to analyze them on a certain level before I felt “comfortable” to interact with them. To suffer in silence is something that I'm good at so I figured it's not a big deal. But even with that method the images progressed. There came a point where I just accepted the fact that I might be crazy and to never express the things that I see and hear in my head. But it wasn’t only about the images. The constant need of reassurance was like a drug..I needed that little bit of relief in order to stop the constant questioning of the “What if I didn’t ask..” or “If I would of asked would I..” Even so, the need for reassurance would always come back full force no matter what comfort I received. I find myself rubbing my thumb on a quarter in my pocket when I’m the only one crossing the intersection or if I feel someone is looking at me I tend to scratch my nose even though it’s not itchy. Mind you that all of these actions I don’t know that I’m doing them unless I concentrate. I unknowingly place my arms across my chest one on top of the other every time I take a shower. After 10 minutes of standing still I begin to do what I was going to do. It was only till yesterday that I found out about this disorder and learning about it made me feel…”normal” in a way. I’ve always had a fear of being deemed crazy so that in itself was a lot of scenarios occupying space in my mind. Because of these thoughts I became extremely self conscious and have a low self-esteem. I was always scared to seek help for problems that I am uncertain of..so now I come to you for some answers..or reassurance if you will..Is what I’m suffering Pure O?

[Altered Moment]

It sound a lot like OCD for sure. The vivid images and thoughts I am not sure. You can certainly find help here and welcome to PC.

There are a number of tests you can take that might help
Psychological Tests and Quizzes

[pegasus]

Hello Shawn A, welcome to Psych Central.

Yep, sounds like OCD to me. OCD are rituals or obssessions that we have that we do in order to make things feel safe. These rituals become an issue when they start to take over our life, like they are with you right now. Here is a link to articles all about it >>> Obssessive-Compulsive Disorder Symptoms and Treatment

You've made a great step in recognising the issues, please now look at getting help and support from your doctor.

[Shawn A]

I appreciate the feedback..I never knew how much weight could be lifted off my shoulders by just opening up about it...Thank you so much.