[Noonie224]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm after some strategies to help my daughter please.

I'm a Single Mum of 3. My eldest is 11, she has always been a high achiever, met all (physical, social) milestones early. Now she's in grade 6 and we've started a new school 7 months ago (private to public, middle class to lower SES groups). She was voted Sports House Captain and is quite popular (always has been). She is very used to always topping the class in every subject. Academic excellence comes naturally to her. She has always enjoyed her successes.
As we start the new school year she has slacked right off and is simply not bothering. She explains it this way:
"Mum, its ugly to show off to everyone in your class, I don't want them to all hate me. If I do work hard and get 100% on everything, no one will like me. The other girls will be jealous and cause trouble for me".

There are other really smart kids in her class, although as we are now in week 4 of the school year, all the benchmark assessments are done and the teacher has said she's one of a couple at the top.

I should point out that there's only 10 kids in the entire grade 6, as its a very small school. She mostly plays with the boys as she's a tomboy ( loves dodgeball and roller derby). So she doesn't have any girl buddies at school, as they're all typical girly girls.

How can i get her to perform at her best?? She is self sabotaging. And this will manifest badly in so many ways in a domino effect.
Can someone please help me??

Thanks ☺!

[Thunder Bow]

Do not pressure her to much on performance. Give her some slack. Give her some room to find herself. She will do better with less pressure.

Kids can be mean sometimes...in a small class, she's choosing between performance and friends. She doesn't want to be treated badly. Have you considered a different school, homeschooling, or explaining to her that friends will come and go but her schooling will be her future? On the other hand, she might come around on her own..you know her Better than anyone

[Noonie224]

Thanks, yes kids can be really mean. I can't homeschool, as I'm full time at University myself. We've only got this year to see out, so I don't want to change schools since we've only just moved to this one 7 months ago.
I've decided to encourage her to be her best self, and focus on dong her work well so that she has instrinsic reward, rather than peer acceptance. ALthough for an 11 year old, that is a big task I know.
I can onlyhope for the best I think!

She sounds like a smart cookie. I'd let her be to be part of. It's important to fit socially. I'm guessing she'll always be the top of her class. Let her relax. Maybe she'll get bored with it? Besides she's got a great example to live by, university mum. By the time high school rolls around, she'll be a bit older and wiser, and that's when grades really start making a difference.

My son hated school but made the grade effortlessly. He didn't start getting into it till high school.

I'm going to be the odd person out and disagree. Fitting in is great, but if people aren't accepting who you are--smartypants and all--then maybe they aren't the people to fit in with.

I was her when I was a kid. And my mother encouraged my grades, no matter what. So I did my homework, and got into a gifted program where, once a week, I got to hang out with other kids who were also overachievers. And I was one of the less-bright ones in that crowd. Believe me, the dynamic you're describing doesn't go away when you get older or even into your work life. I am in college, in a professional program. I had a 4.0 until this quarter, and there is a clique of girls in my program who basically shun me because they think I'm a know-it-all (because I also have healthcare experience). I'm not, I just work hard and want to do well. And I ask questions. And participate in class. And I know that these girls will not be signing my checks once I graduate and get a job, so I try to let what they say roll off and if they want to be catty and silly, then I don't care about fitting in with them.

I know it's different in grade school and it matters more for her self esteem...but so does doing well and not "dumbing down" for other people or being someone other people want you to be. I don't know what advice to give because I don't have kids but...that is my opinion. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I hope it all goes well.

[sherbet]

I just want to say congrats on being the kind of parent your daughter can honestly confide in!

I know it currently feels like academic achievement is everything, because that's really the only measure of achievement you have for a child that age, but she's only 11 and as others have noted, grades start to matter in high school. This isn't really cause for alarm.

I was that overachieving girl when I was her age…if all she does is study it can lead to burnout. That said, it sounds like she's balanced and popular so I wonder if this has more to do with her hitting an awkward developmental age for girls. It's one thing to want more balance and social time but it's another if she has those things and she's sabotaging herself. Perhaps she's starting to struggle with the idea of what it means to be a woman and it could be that her understanding of social norms for femininity doesn't include being smarter than everyone else?

You say you're at a University…does she have a favorite class or a career/field she finds exciting? Maybe you can introduce her to some smart, hip female role models from the University?