[john2003]

My son married a wonderful woman, but she comes from a family and culture that is extremely controlling as parents--yes, I mean abusive at times. But that is not the issue. My daughter-in-law and son are very much afraid of a coming event, the Christening of a relative in another state. She is going to attend--it is very much considered an obligation for her family--and she will be bringing her own 8 month old baby.

A cousin will be there. His family has some serious history of mental illness. He used to have a serious drug problem himself, but lately he has shown extreme signs of some kind of mental illness as well, including especially signs of violence.

Possible trigger:

He has twice tried to kill his father by coming into the bedroom and choking him at night--the father had to fight to survive. He took his very much beloved dog, an animal he doted over, into the bath tub and slit it open from neck to crotch to kill it.

He has talked to my daughter-in-law about how evil the world is and how much better it would be for both the baby being Christened and for her baby if they could be spared from living in it. He seemed very interested in being certain that my daughter-in-law will be attending the Christening with her baby.

He shows many signs of being disconnected from reality. He used to date a distant cousin, and they did drugs together. They broke up years ago, but he does not seem to remember that. He cannot understand why she won't see him, and he refers to her as being an agent of evil. My daughter-in-law showed me a text message exchange she had with him--it was totally irrational.

I am terrified of an image of him

Possible trigger:

suddenly reaching out, grabbing my granddaughter, and killing her to save her from the evil in this world.

There have been attempts to have him go into treatment, but he refuses. More importantly, that controlling family refuses to believe he has a problem. Only a couple people know about

Possible trigger:

his attempts to kill his father or his killing of his dog

--everyone is forbidden to speak of this family secret.

Because of the dynamics of that extended family, if my daughter were not to attend, it would be considered an act of treason against the family. It would be very much make her an outcast. She has expressed her concerns to her father. He very much understands her fear and says he will try to protect her. He swore that if that cousin harms the child, he will exact revenge, but that is a but late, isn't it?

Every web site I visit speaks of having compassion for the mentally ill and how very rare it is for them to become violent. I realize it is very rare, but it does happen. When someone like James Holmes goes into a theater and kills many people, subsequent analysis asks why no one noticed the warning signs. What if the problem was that people saw the warning signs but had no idea what to do about it--just as I have no idea what to do about this?

[Whiteroses02]

This seems like a pretty intense situation. But I honestly think that if I felt that unsafe as your daughter inlaw does I would skip the christening, regardless of the controlling family. It almost seems like that would be the best scenario because if her family outcasted her she would no longer be under their control. She needs to think of herself and her immediate family first, if her extended family chooses to shame her over protecting herself from someone who is mentally well and clearly dangerous then it is on them and not her. If that proves to be to hard for your daughter in law, suggest leaving the baby with you and claim the baby wasn't feeling well for travel?

[avlady]

Whiteroses02 i agree!!!there is no need to go as she could be put in great danger if she does go too. i think there is no question in staying home and not going to this event.

[pegasus]

Hello John,

There have been attempts to have him go into treatment, but he refuses...

Someone can be made to go to hospital against their will if they are a danger to themselves or others. This means that you or anyone witness to his behaviour/threats or has knowledge of... can call the police and force him to have the treatment he needs. Please contact the police for everyones safety.

[Marla500]

I totally get where you are coming from(from personal experience) but protecting the baby is not an insult to the mentally ill person. Even psychiatrists are not always able to judge the seriousness of a person's condition. It is better to take a chance of upsetting someone than bringing a helpless baby into an unstable environment (I know it is very hard, again from personal experience). You will not regret taking a stand once you have done it.

[Perna]

Sounds like you are taking steps to "protect" daughter-in-law and I think if there are enough family members and they make sure the cousin and daughter-in-law and babies are not allowed to come together in any way, that will be okay, even if there is unpleasantness. Daughter-in-law has nothing to be ashamed of and negative action would come from the cousin so everyone is warned and ready? "I'm sorry, she does not wish to speak/meet with you" has to be respected. Any insistence on the part of anyone, family or no, that daughter-in-law feel/act any other way is out of line. She is attending the party/baptism for the other baby and that is the purpose of the get-together, not this cousin and his agenda. Any attempt to take center stage by anyone other than the babies and parents is out-of-line. This cousin was invited and has to "behave" properly just as everyone else does or he's out of line.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Hello John,


Someone can be made to go to hospital against their will if they are a danger to themselves or others. This means that you or anyone witness to his behaviour/threats or has knowledge of... can call the police and force him to have the treatment he needs. Please contact the police for everyones safety.

I'm sorry, but good luck with getting the police to respond to a call for help regarding a mentally ill individual. Unless a crime has been committed, the cops don't give a hoot and certainly won't intervene on an assumption. People in the U.S. need to wake up and realize that the police won't come to the rescue just because someone *seems* threatening. They'll tell you to get away from the person, but as for taking the person into custody or 5150-ing the person "just because" - HA. Even restraining orders are a joke unless the person the order is against actually commits a crime.

[john2003]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Hello John,


Someone can be made to go to hospital against their will if they are a danger to themselves or others. This means that you or anyone witness to his behaviour/threats or has knowledge of... can call the police and force him to have the treatment he needs. Please contact the police for everyones safety.

My experience has been that the police will put him in a 72 hour hold and then release him unless he is doing something serious at that time. His parents--seriously in denial and afraid of the shame this would bring to their family--certainly will not do this, and I doubt if an in-law calling from out of state will have a big impact.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by john2003

My experience has been that the police will put him in a 72 hour hold and then release him unless he is doing something serious at that time. His parents--seriously in denial and afraid of the shame this would bring to their family--certainly will not do this, and I doubt if an in-law calling from out of state will have a big impact.

The police will put him on a 72-hour hold...on what grounds? And calling out of state?

[Hexagram]

Buy a taser and learn how to use it . If your cousin comes too close to your granddaughter, go all Golda Meir and light him up. No blood, no foul.

[Angelique67]

The police brought me to the hospital against my will in 2010. Even though I wasn't threatening anyone. I guess it varies according to location.

[Werewoman]

John,

It's too bad his father can't have him Baker-acted like the law in FL. Since that is not an option here, I agree with Whiteroses02. Just don't go.

I would think that law enforcement would have to get involved if he is making overt threats and trying to strangle people in their sleep. To the best of my knowledge, that's called 'assault' and/or 'attempted homicide', but what do I know?

Me? I carry a .38 and know how to use it.

I think the christening should be skipped - controlling people will sooner or later find something else to pick on your DIL about...and safety comes first. xoxo