Medication Attempt : First Try: Abilify

"Possibly Triggering" That being as I do not know, as much. So warning, and my apologies if any of my words hurt you.

Hey, don't know what I'm trying to achieve here or hoping or whether or not it's gonna be worth it... but here's the deal :

I've been on a couple medications, SSRI's. And then took this genetic test that basically said all the medications that I had taken and rejected- being ones my body did not like. So, got some proof backing up all those failed trials, yay...

Medication had begun because of depression. I have a lot of emotions, and it had just been becoming obvious that I don't know how to handle them. (They were getting too intense to hide, I had an episode while dealing with my mother which led to the beginning of this hell. She is very fearful of me taking my life, because her family's story is traumatic. Schizophrenic abusive dad, suicidal older brother, bipolar mom. So she always reminds me how good I have it.)

So, as this whole depression thing hasn't gone away. And I'm excessively angry and any moment of happiness comes randomly and leaves. We've looked into bipolar disorder as a possibility. I have a psych evaluation or Depression vs Bipolar Throw Down scheduled for next month.

BUT my mom began having a discussion or the other way around with my psychiatrist. A few of the details got mixed up... apparently they were referring to me as a patient who had been on 3 different mood stabilizers. Anyways I've been given the prescription of Abilify, lowest dosage.

To put everything in perspective: I CAN"T TALK TO ANYONE. AT ALL. About what's going on with me. I have 2 psychologists. And a psychiatrist. I can only be honest with them about what I understand on myself and how I feel in the moment. So, I can feel honest and okay.

BUT OVERALL, at the end of the day... silence in the dark of night -> I feel like there's an entire tomb of everything that's wrong inside me. And whenever it overflows, (can't ever be prepared for this, just is triggered) I sit on the floor of a locked room and internally scream and cry, and cry, and rage out everything I'm feeling to myself. Afterwords, or near the end I sit there or lie eternally still doing nothing, waiting to rot away because I know nothing that I could ever do would make a difference. I have no control, and I'm just sad without anything to live for... there's no reason or justification for any of my pain and no one understands. (I know it's because I can't let them in or whatever. BUT who wants in? How to begin that conversation? When I hate myself enough already.) And so, I feel more alone than ever. Unfortunately in these moments, I am completely distant from the real world and sane thoughts. And me, myself, the logic and understanding of the world and why I should live loses all meaning and voice. I get lost. I don't like any of that.

Can't talk to mom. Very very angry with her. SO MUCH. Just overflowing all the time.

I am jealous of other people. Their happiness. The carelessness they get to live with, being without anxiety or these fears. (Being able to "follow their dreams" and believe in themselves) Their safety. They can have complete trust in themselves. I tend to have a certain jealousy of those people living daily with that mental stability. Even though I may be sounding a bit bitter... :/ It seems like an impossibility, beautiful things that I haven't really gotten to have in awhile.

Anyways, I cannot have even a single civilized conversation with my mother... because of how furious I get. I can't deal with her. She may love, but it doesn't matter. She doesn't understand. And maybe that's because I haven't been able to "open myself up" but that's a privilege. (And before I went all not okay openly, I was practically begging my parents for a relationship. And they pay any attention or effort.) Haven't ever been able to rely on my mom. I don't have a good relationship with her. I don't have a good relationship with anybody.

I tell myself that my mom knows nothing, just to rationalize why I feel so much pain and why my mother can't help.

This is literally the worst kind of ever-enduring pain that you would never wish on anybody else. You can't see, there's no evidence of the pain inside or what's going on. And it's- I don't know, man. Mystery.

I got really angry, that they were prescribing this to me. Because I felt like they're calling me bipolar when I haven't even been tested yet. My mom said, "your symptoms line up." and that just made me feel like it's only because my mom agrees that I had to take it.

I feel misunderstood.
I know that's only 3 words, one sentence. But it is such a burden and internal battle and indescribable pain, when you have people examining you and having a file on you and having to make conclusions about you and having people love you, only to just have it all not be working. Nothing is working. Nothing will ever work. There is no place for me in this world. Why can't anyone else see that? Why do they lie, and tell me they care and say that they're there for me or offer to talk when they're not.

I know, some of that's wrong. Feelings are poo. I would curse, but I mean... eh.

I took the Abilify. (Mom wouldn't leave the room until I did... even though it's not like I have a history of refusing medication.) Finished my pizza. Continued watching Vampire Diaries. (NO SPOILERS. <3 Damon <3)
And then... suddenly I'm done. There's no point, i'm finished watching the eternal struggle over the love for the fricking Petrovas and then it's bathroom break time. (the throne... where I'm safe. Or at least being an environment that's comfortable; this being as my room isn't sacred in it's privacy privileges.)

And then proceeded hours of not so much sanity, anger, sadness overload. Worst moment of my life in that bathroom just 24 hours ago. A cocktail of emotions and I just felt insane. My emotions were on crack... spinning from one feeling to the next. I couldn't even. I don't know. You know it's weird when laughing is the introduction to your sobbing. Not to mention, washing of the hands can't even be finished cause you can't, you have to, you are silently screaming, crying -whatever- unable to look at the world or anything. Especially not at the mirror, at the crying face of the person you hate more than anything right now. So, instead just lying on the floor with wet hands... On and off crying. On and off everything. Worst worst. not good.

And then I get out of the bathroom. Only because my brother needs it, and i hear him start to go over to my mom. And if my mom hears she'll corner me into the bathroom. And I won't know what to do, cause I won't have any control over anything. So I go to my room. And I just lie on the bed. Proceeds hour that leads into me, getting the info out of my mom that it starts working 45 minutes to 2 hours after ingestion... (SO IT WASN"T JUST ME, IM NOT INSANE.) and then telling her I'm not taking the medicine again. And admitting to her I'm not okay, not feeling okay more-so due to the medicine.


MY logic is... "well, ugh no" I don't wanna have to go through that every night just so the next day I can do my laundry (Cause, yes, child that's what's most important in life. Clean clothes, with the proper usage of a dryer sheet). Actually, it's more like: the medicine did me wrong. I don't trust it. I don't trust any pill ever again. Especially if I don't have anyone to keep me safe. I'm the only one I can count on. (Not while I'm taking meds and being all lone wolf a.k.a my reality.)

I mean, today I swept my floor. Tried to live a moment out of my room. My mom contributed that (the "being better") to the medicine. I told her, "No, you know nothing." The only reason why I did that stuff, is because of how terrified I am. That was not a good time yesterday, and it lasted basically all night. It was hour of sleep, waking up, toss and turn... over and over again. Not to mention before that,,,, time spent lying in bed, listening to music: trying not to feel anything or think a single thought. And then resorting to watching a children's movie to just try and feel better about life. (Nothing like a Disney movie to cause happy-sad tears). ((I couldn't stand the darkness before bed, the moment you spend lying there with your eyes shut... picturing or having your mind wander wherever before the sandman takes you into "bliss" or sleep or whatever.))

First time taking Abilify (aripiprazole)
Didn't go well. Take it again?
Try life without the medication? (I didn't even feel comfortable taking sleep medication after this episode.)

I am a teenager, you know. "Life ahead of me..." and all that. The in the middle of the last years of high school (hate the place) So, I basically know nothing. (and everything, all at the same time.) I'm pretty much useless. (a solid degree of the time)

Also, this all began from me relating to that TV show about how I feel trapped in my life. (I have an entire monologue, writing of the trails of my thoughts throughout this crap time. Kinda funny at times, mostly intense and sad. But "proof" of my emotions or that time and whatnot.)

Would appreciate your thoughts. Any feedback. Please. Really about the medication thing. That's, that's the problem. Issue. Don't know what to do about it.

The medicine really hurt me. : ( I don't wanna go through that again. Why should I?

Yeah, that's me. Anyways, good luck with your lives.

It will likel take weeks before you feel the full effect of the Abilify. I have had great success with it. I credit it with giving me my life back.

Call your doctor and tell them your symptoms asap!

Do not worry about telling them (mental health docs) bc they have heard it all.

I agree, talk to your doctor. I take abilify and it definitely doesn't cause all that.