I sound so crass I know. But there is an individual at my support group that triggers the worst in me. I immediately get extremely anxious - the kind of anxiety that affects me physically.

I panic that she is going to take over the group with inappropriate conversation and that the moderators will once again lose control of the meeting to her. I can't enjoy what was once a very important part of my week for I spend the entire session on edge worrying about what she could possibly say next.

[unaluna]

I hate when that happens. I dont have any good advice. Its killed some groups for me. Im gonna try again, but its been years.

[*Laurie*]

That's too bad. I've been in groups in which there was "that" person and it really can have a bad effect on the entire group experience. Then too, oftentimes "that" person is a trigger for us because s/he reminds us of something or someone because we need to work on that particular thing. Can you bring it up in the group...not in an attacking or offensive way, but in an honest, validating, assertive way?

[Frankbtl]

Hi rcat,

No it doesn't sound crass
A support group is there for support and you've a right to expect that some support should be offered..........but when an individual takes away from that............
So could you talk to the moderators about how you feel and about putting some clear or clearer group rules/guidelines in place.........although if they're already there and she's overturning them then maybe you could complain to the moderators about her??
Or maybe there's a group member you could talk to, who might actually feel the same but be more likely to speak up to her or the moderators if they know "they're not the only one" who feels like that??
Otherwise if those aren't options, for now, the only other thing I can think of is trying to change the way you see her........if you can (!!)........e.g. you're seeing her more in the position of control, power, strength (she kind of has a hold over the group and sometimes the moderators with her inappropriateness)............but perhaps if you see that "strength" as actually a weakness she has, afterall she has trouble "fitting" in, upsets people, doesn't realise or consider her impact on people........that kind of thing.
So I guess I'm kind of saying, could you more try to feel sorry for her as a way of managing to cope with her???
Of course, I'm saying that not knowing what kind of triggers she's causing you, so I'm deeply sorry if that would be inappropriate in your situation.



Alison

What we have here is a very strong personality used to getting her own way. To make matters worse, she is 'cultivating' those weaker personalities into minions about her. Yes, it's all very high school.

It occurs to me I have posted about this before. My apologies for the rehash.

Well, it is reaching my boiling point. I am literally sick to my stomach the moment she walks in and begin to hyperventilate and shake. I actually wonder if I'm experiencing PTSD from the trauma I experienced in school at the hands of such 'great-oh' personalities.

[Frankbtl]

Hi rcat

Well it certainly doesn't sound like a "therapeutic" environment for you........I'm wondering if you'd be prepared to speak just a little about your trauma in the group when she's there, and the effect some personalities have on you.........thinking maybe then she'll get the message to "tone it down"/be more considerate???
Although I know that might be a real hard thing for you to do............
Just a thought............

Alison

Frankbtl, I think you have something there. I shall think of what I might say.

In the meantime, we DO have some leadership. We have a group executive but they are more there for organizational purposes and planning basic meeting operations (ie. they ensure there is a moderator, coffee, etc each week and look after finances and fundraising, etc). I have asked them to bring a copy of the by-laws and job descriptions. Perhaps I may find something there that will help me.

[barbella]

rcat, how awful. I was in a couple of groups and this only happened once b/c the leaders were very strong and nipped it in the bud. I am sorry you don't have that situation. & no, I don't think you are crass at all.

[-jimi-]

If the monitors are not there to actually help and organize the group situation itself, it can indeed go very bad. I have met up with people like that but more informally and we have had a good self regulation. I think we dared self regulate just because it was informal. If it is a formal setting I think there are bigger dangers to these things happening, no monitors being active. It will still be monitored enough to inhibit people from taking back their power, but not monitored enough for a person who wants to influence others to take over.

Some people do indeed try to tie people to themselves to gain power. There is something serious to this, because, to be a bit sexist, this is violence. This is the female counterpart to male physical violence.

thanks everyone for letting me rant a bit. You can be sure given my turn to moderate I will take a different and tougher course of leadership.

[newday2020]

rcat i'm glad to hear you can act.... and are able to take a tougher course of leadership.

I might of have to quit the group at this time.

You have strengh.......

Yeah, she's gotta go... any chance of catching her alone in a stairwell?