[Lisacali]

Hello. I hope I can get some good input on what I call my ‘problems’, here. I am often confused, because I have strange thoughts, one of them of really wanting to be alone, by myself, living all by myself. No one around. Just me, go to work, come home, be alone with my dog and my TV. I like people, don’t get me wrong but I think I was always kind of a ‘loner’, even though I participated in things when I was younger etc. I had many years of real agoraphobia, not being able to leave my house…yet managing my marriage and raising my children. I became a master of manipulation to get all this done correctly and with no harm to my family. I managed to talk to a Doctor about this about 11 years ago and finally accepted medication, which helped me much and I started living ‘outside’ of my house, too. However, I still prefer to be alone. Yes, I do go to friends birthday parties and alike, but only because I make myself, telling myself it is the right thing to do. I HAVE HOWEVER CHANGED in the past 3-4 years where I now am even bothered to be around my husband. Need to say that my hubby is a very quiet, no hobby, no interest in anything I like…..very self centered person. Not a mean or violent person, just strange and so different from myself. I began wishing to not be married, yet, that would not be possible for financial and other reasons….so I tell myself. I was a housewife with home office duties for my self employed hubby for many, many years. Raised our children, basically was responsible for any and all in regards to our daily life. Well, I did and now I know, I let it happen…. Today I think; what’s my hubby there for? Now it being just him and me, I really want to be alone. I don’t want to be the house-maid, caretaker etc. while he is whining about aches and pains and does not really do much anymore, still whining about having lost his self employment status in 2008. Big hardship on us. I work now but that is not enough to make a decent living…so I resent him. Yet, I don’t know what to say to him as a wife because he claims to be in so much pain and I must ‘care’, like a good human being does. I’ve noticed that when I am very down, I like to steel…. Yes, you are reading it correctly; I steel. What do I steel? Stupid stuff. No, I do not go into a department store and steel clothe…but, I may pull off a button I think I could use off one of the blouses hanging there. E.g.: I see a table with numerous things on it, let’s say a hand full of coins and I may look at it and see the one quarter in the bunch of pennies and nickels and dimes and I may take that quarter. A shelf with 25 tubes of glue and 50 sheets of foam and 100 boxes of matches…I may take a tube of glue or a single matchbox. I also constantly look inside my hubbies wallet to see if I can take a $5, $10 or $20 bill out of it, depending how many he carries inside. ( That one I think I do because I feel ‘he owes me’ ?). - Thinking back, way back, I remember doing these things now and then when I was a child and teen, too. This bothers me. Yes, it bothers me much and I feel ashamed, very ashamed. Often I think that I must be somewhat insane? Yes, I know not to rob a bank or steel someones wallet. I really try to uphold the law…but again, somehow this is ‘in me’ and I catch myself doing these stupid things like taking a quarter from a table or 2 cigarettes out of my bosses box….because he has 20 of them laying around. WHAT IS THIS? Not to bore you, but I have ‘other’ strange things I do and I would like to get answers to the ‘why’ and ‘how’ on them. If I can, I would like to post them here, hoping someone can help me find answers and more wisdom. Oh, I also think I am a ‘big cheater’ and ‘liar’. I tend to ‘cheat’ myself through a lot in life….like; cutting corners to get faster results in anything possible. I stretch ‘stories’ to make them more interesting…which is a form of lying, I’d say. In the way back past I even lied about my name and where I came from. I HAVE NO CLUE WHY. So, hoping that someone reads this and may answer, I’d like to say; Thank you 

[Thunder Bow]

You are probably doing this to keep feeling bad about yourself. Getting caught will enable you to feel even worse about yourself.

[-jimi-]

Maybe you need a little baddassery to feel you're worthy. Some kind of oppositional reaction. I can do similar things but not because to show I am here and I'm allowed to be, I just get bored sometimes with being a good person and I need some badness or the good stuff feels too repetitive.