[DechanDawa]

No matter what I do my life doesn't work. I actually am starting to pity myself for being such a loser. I never thought this way until about two years ago but thought it was from having major depression. (I became a member here a little over a year ago.) I have tried so hard and I am still trying but I cannot stabilize my life. It would be really great if it was caused by the depression and if I keep working hard and pull myself out....things would improve.

So many things are going wrong it is almost funny...

[TishaBuv]

So laugh. I'll laugh with you.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

So laugh. I'll laugh with you.

I really think that's what should happen but I feel disturbingly numb, don't feel like laughing or crying.

[TishaBuv]

Are you just experiencing bad luck?

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Are you just experiencing bad luck?

I am an idiot and drama queen and total crap at recognizing my own stinking thinking. My worst habit is catastrophizing. Is that spelled right?

For instance, I just got a new engine (well, used) put in my old truck. Last night I went out and the truck was blowing a lot of white "smoke" --- and I went crazy with anxiety. I spent hours online certain I had a blown head gasket or worse. Believe me I know about head caskets, I burned out the last engine and it was really traumatic...when the vehicle looks like it is ready to explode into flames with smoke pouring out everywhere and pulling over and feeling totally helpless. That was a couple thousand dollars and an engine ago.

So today I texted my mechanic and said I would have the truck towed in there tomorrow.

He called me back (yes, on a Sunday, my mechanic is gold) and said it was very cold last night and old trucks send out a lot of condensation that looks like smoke. So it is probably okay.

He wants me to go out today and drive it. But I am afraid of burning out the engine, which is what I did the last time. I am supposed to text him back within two hours.

All of this is about me getting crazier and crazier the longer I am single and alone.

Which is why I started CBT because I think my head is messed up. I NEED TO BECOME A CBT EXPERT.

And yes, a lot of bad luck. I always managed to rise above it. But now I am always anxious. I wonder if CBT can help me with this.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

I am an idiot and drama queen and total crap at recognizing my own stinking thinking. My worst habit is catastrophizing. Is that spelled right?

For instance, I just got a new engine (well, used) put in my old truck. Last night I went out and the truck was blowing a lot of white "smoke" --- and I went crazy with anxiety. I spent hours online certain I had a blown head gasket or worse. Believe me I know about head caskets, I burned out the last engine and it was really traumatic...when the vehicle looks like it is ready to explode into flames with smoke pouring out everywhere and pulling over and feeling totally helpless. That was a couple thousand dollars and an engine ago.

So today I texted my mechanic and said I would have the truck towed in there tomorrow.

He called me back (yes, on a Sunday, my mechanic is gold) and said it was very cold last night and old trucks send out a lot of condensation that looks like smoke. So it is probably okay.

He wants me to go out today and drive it. But I am afraid of burning out the engine, which is what I did the last time. I am supposed to text him back within two hours.

All of this is about me getting crazier and crazier the longer I am single and alone.

Which is why I started CBT because I think my head is messed up. I NEED TO BECOME A CBT EXPERT.

And yes, a lot of bad luck. I always managed to rise above it. But now I am always anxious. I wonder if CBT can help me with this.

I am terrified of this too.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I am terrified of this too.

Hmm. Terrified of what? Your car blowing up? Being crazy and single? Believe me, I would have stayed in my marriage with all it's problems.

On the other hand...

I have a mechanic who is gold. And he wants me to get myself out there and drive Little Red Rider today.

And CBT is aversion therapy, right? I am so nervous all the time. .... okay....not all the time but 98% of the time.

I hate being out of control and having a life that is out of control. I guess deep down inside I am a perfectionist.

I want to go out and scream in my truck's face. I want to tell her I just spent all my money on her and borrowed money and she has completely transplanted insides and she needs to get her butt in gear. I swear I could kick her in the butt.

HAHAHA. Now I have managed to laugh at my idiotic self.

[TishaBuv]

Terrified of being alone and too paralyzed with fear to take care of myself.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better about the truck. Go for a joy ride!

[DechanDawa]

Oh, I didn't see the single and alone highlighted.

I didn't want a divorce. I would have happily lived unhappily forever.

But that's life. I think I could have been perfect and my ex would still have left. He was bored in midlife and wanted a change. That's what he said. That was his reason for leaving a 20 year plus relationship...

CBT is learning to not whine and just get on with life, I guess.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Terrified of being alone and too paralyzed with fear to take care of myself.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better about the truck. Go for a joy ride!

OMG. I wasn't always like this. I need to do something about this. You have given me a reason to live! Yeah, okay, if the truck doesn't blow up just going around the block would be a joy ride.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Terrified of being alone and too paralyzed with fear to take care of myself.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better about the truck. Go for a joy ride!

Okay. I took Little Red Rider out for a joy ride. She did okay. I was having a major anxiety attack today. My mechanic talked me down. Bless him. I was so messed up I thought today was Sunday!

I went to buy some dark beer. Then fast food for dinner. No way I am gonna cook tonight. Chatted with the "teen regulars" who guard and sell all the naughty goodies along my route.

Took a long country ride home. I hate to admit it but I live in the middle of a postcard...the scenery is that awesome. Huge mountain range...sky...fields...horses...old barns and houses. I enjoyed myself on my "joy ride" and thought of Tish and almost teared up with gratitude. It is really amazing how people you don't know in person can be so very helpful...more so than family and friends. Thank you, TishaBuv,

I will probably always miss being married. But I need to find a better way to live than jumping from anxiety to depression and back.

So it appears my little truck is okay. I unabashedly adore my mechanic and tell him often that I love him. He just laughs. He takes such good care of me. I think next week I will have to drop off a treat for his kids. He has a lot of kids.

Now I am just sort of getting drunk because it is sometimes the only thing that will cut through a major anxiety attack. Now I will have to run twice tomorrow to make up for today.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

OMG. I wasn't always like this. I need to do something about this. You have given me a reason to live! Yeah, okay, if the truck doesn't blow up just going around the block would be a joy ride.

Took my favorite joy ride along a winding road in the middle of mountains, sky, farms, farm houses, horses and cattle. Splendid! And Little Red Rider did her best.

[Thunder Bow]

Have courage and drive your truck over your anxiety. White Smoke and all!

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Have courage and drive your truck over your anxiety. White Smoke and all!

Thank you. I love this advice. It is a beautiful description of the path I aspire to live.