[JustMeMyself&I]

Hey everyone. I rarely post threads on this site, but when I do I really need it. So here goes, I'd like as many people as possible to at least give me their opinions and/or experiences, please. This means a lot to me. Please bother to read this.
I'm so sorry this is long.

I've been thinking about it a lot, probably for 3 years by now, but recently things have just been getting stronger and I'm thinking it through more and more.
I don't know if I may have any mental illnesses. But I don't know how to get about this.

I've been reflecting upon myself, and the way I am, the way I behave etc. and to me personally they seem like they could be pointing to something like social anxiety, general anxiety, depression (?), bipolar (?) maybe? I mean I naturally am a sad and pessimistic person who has moments of extreme sadness then extreme hapiness and carelessness, so I don't think the last two count idk. I don't know I'm very confused and just need closure and guidance.
Firstly I want to get across that I am not taking this lightly, but seriously. Through this, I do not want attention, I do not want to be treated like I'm special or something, I do not WANT myself to have these mental illnesses.
I don't believe in faking these things and treating them like a special trait.

I've been reading up on symptoms to these previously mentioned illnesses and have been taking countless internet tests to check the likelihood of me having them. Of course I am not saying I am self-diagnosing myself and I know you can't believe and trust these online things 100%. They are not accurate.
They just managed to convince me to believe my theories more. That I may actually have some mild form of anxiety or something.
I am 16, a teenager, but I don't want to get messages chalking everything up to hormones and teen mood swings and puberty of whatever else.

Some things I notice about myself is that it's almost like I am actually scared of people, or more specifically human interaction. Contact. Socialising. I have no problem with friends or family but when it comes to strangers or people I do not know very well, well, I get anxious. I know it probably sounds like nothing but...
Is it normal that I have a very hard time making eye contact with people, and when it happens with strangers or people I don't know well, my eyes automatically water and my face goes extremely hot? I even sweat sometimes and perhaps my heartbeat speeds up, I'm not sure but it is possible.
Ugh these really do sound liek nothing but I promise in teh moment and in person it is so much more scary and intense.

When it is time to talk in front of class or something, again, I know what I am saying and doing but I can't control myself; my eyes water like I am about to cry, my face really heats up, and I even begin tripping up my words sometimes. Of course being self aware of these things only make it worse. Even if a teacher asks me something in class, I can have this reaction. I'm not saying I have panic attacks (I doubt this counts as one, if so then probably mild). I'm just tired of being this way.
I am very socially awkward and shy with very low self esteem and very little confidence. I can never bring myself up to approaching people, no matter what it is for. And I absolutely hate phone calls.
Heck, even sometimes with my own friends I can feel very awkward and just...eugh. The idea of social gathering and events and making friend scares me so much, which is sad because I really do wish I could be outgoing and approach people and make friends. But It's like I mentally and physically just can't.

I don't know if it counts but I always worry a lot and believe the worst case scenario. I am very pessimistic.

I go to my GP and I even have a therapist if I can call it that. She tries to help me understand myself and control my thoughts using CBT but it hasn't worked tbh. She knows about me being socially awkward and that but she just draws it up to me being 'shy'.
That does not satisfy me. In a way that I am not certain.
I haven't told her ALL these things but.
again. I don't know how to talk about it.

How do you do it? Just ask for a diagnosis? WHAT DO I SAY?
How is it done, what happens? I'm scared I'll turn out to be a paranoid idiot, thinking I have a mental illness when in fact I'm just weird. Do I have a form of anxiety? Be it mild at least, perhaps? I don't know what to believe and I just don't think these reactions and behaviours are normal.

I just want some 'diagnosis', yes or no, definite and concrete, so I can feel secure about it and feel closure. So I can stop thinking about it. doubting myself. theorising. It's all I can think about right now.
What do I do?
Please help me.

Originally Posted by JustMeMyself&I

....I've been reading up on symptoms to these previously mentioned illnesses and have been taking countless internet tests to check the likelihood of me having them. Of course I am not saying I am self-diagnosing myself and I know you can't believe and trust these online things 100%. They are not accurate.
They just managed to convince me to believe my theories more. That I may actually have some mild form of anxiety or something......

I can sympathize with your frustration and worries. I am sorry you are feeling this way and finding things so difficult.

I am drawing attention however to your attempts to turn to the internet and 'Dr Google'. What you describe does appear to be self-diagnosis (my opinion).

The correct thing to do would be to seek professional consultation to do so.

You are 16, but you still have resources at hand...

I would talk to your school guidance counsellor. They would have some resources and suggestions. The should also be able to make referral to things like psychologists within the school system. School is a significant resource to you. They may even be able to help you with scheduling appointments.

Another great person to turn to is your family doctor. Insist you get a referral to a psychiatrist.

The counsellor/therapist you are seeing - press them for more information.

The bad news is that it is common practise not to label adolescents with diagnoses. Puberty and hormones have a lot to do with that. But, press your healthcare team anyway. By the way, I would let them know about all the research and on line tests you do.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you feel this way.. I'm 18, so I can definitely relate.. I'm afraid the only thing you can do is to talk about it with your therapist. I know it's hard