[skegs]

Hi i'm will 16,

Sorry if this is a long post but i cant do this anymore. My OCD has lead me to believe that I am developing some sort of psychotic illness (Mainly Schizophrenia). I feel like writing this all out will give me a better understanding of whats happening as it has all became too much. I have been obsessing over the illness for nearly a year now.

It all started back in September 2016 when I had an extremely bad experience with cannabis, I smoked cannabis prior to this occasionally for about 1 month then more regularly for another month, then this **** happened. I decided that because it was the holidays I wanted to smoke more then i regularly do so I did and then lay down and put on a movie (Enter the Void), looking back i don't think that was a good idea, so basically i started watching then the weed hit and I got really paranoid and was thinking i was going to get caught as I live with my parents, and my step brother got kicked out for doing drugs so I was freaking and kept thinking my parents door was opening and my dad was telling me to be quiet. I was hysterical as my step brother has severe paranoid schiz so i thought i was hearing voices but at the same time I could control what it was saying so then I knew it was in my head and when i heard an actually noise for example music, then the "voice" didn't sound real it was like i was imagining my dad telling me to get out the house. When i realised i was way too stoned and my imagination was going crazy I calmed down then passed out. I haven't done anymore drugs since this (my therapist says i have an overactive imagination).

That was the beginning, this was when **** started to get bad. I woke up in a massive panic attack and started crying and tried to "hear" that voice again and I managed to do it again but I wasn't hearing it I was just imagining a voice and because I was so stoned it felt real.

After all this as you can imaging I was completely broke down I had never experienced such a horrible thing. A few weeks past and I stupidly decided to start googling symptoms of schizophrenia. Voices where the first symptom. whenever I was in college/crowded areas I would think someone was whispering my name it would happen none stop but I wasn't actually hallucinating it was a another noise but because I was scared about hearing voices my brain translates these noises into more recognisable ones. (according to my therapist)

Everyday I have been waiting to hear a voice or see something I do occasionally hear a noise and think its a voice but thats basically gone now as my therapist explained it's nothing to worry about.

The next symptom was lifestyle changes, I havent really had any social withdrawal as I go out regularly, in fact it has probably made me want to go out a bit more, I feel like I have to wash everyday so I don't develop schiz.

Next is my thoughts this is where the OCD comes in. at the start I read that schizophrenics had muddled/incoherent speech so whenever I would talk to someone I would be thinking about not muddling my speech which made me muddle my speech, pretty ironic.

Basically I would go through the symptoms and they just added up. Now back to the present.

A few weeks ago I was speaking to my step sister about my step brother with schiz and she told me about my step brothers delusions and paranoia and she told me about how he thought a statue was spying and he ended up smashing it, so when I got home I was thinking about his delusions and how I might become delusional.

at this point, 8 months later I had become very derealised so nothing really felt real anymore and was getting thoughts like what if i'm in a coma or a dream or maybe everything is just a part of my imagination these thoughts made me so sad and depressed, which made me more derealised. so me being me I decided to think about delusions and one came to mind about what if my cat was spying on me this really freaked me out to the point of avoiding her. I know deep down I am being completely stupid and irrational, I tell myself this but then I ask myself "what if i'm just saying that to make me feel better", its like an endless cycle, anyway this thought has died down now its not as loud anymore. Recently I got a new puppy who is so amazing and I love him so much but I got that same thought, "what if he is spying on me and he has been sent from somewhere" or other things which are so stupid even I cant put them into words. Writing my thoughts down like this really puts things into perspective about how stupid i'm being. whenever I get thoughts like this I say it i'm my mind as if I actually believed them, For example I would change "what if my pug is spying on me" to "My pug is spying on me", It just numbs the thought for me.

about a month ago the depression hit I started self harming and self medicating with alcohol and I smoke more then I used to (cigarettes) I have pretty much stopped going to college as I cant cope, I can barely get out of bed

Thats basically it, Im summary, I smoked too much weed thought I was hearing voices, loosing touch with reality and becoming delusional e.c.t. no one in my family has any mental health records related to psychosis, just anxiety problems. I have explained all of this to my GP and therapist who both have said I have nothing to worry about it is just anxiety and OCD, I am doing CBT at the moment which is ok but I am getting put on antidepressants tomorrow. Sorry for the MASSIVE post if your still reading thank you (if you're even real haha ;p

No but seriously thanks if anyone has any questions or any answers to wether I have anything other than anxiety. Bye!!