[cba78749]

Hey everyone,

So I'm going to be quick and straight to the point. I am considered to be a poly-substance dependent user; however, besides the obvious benefits from getting high off of this drug, I am absolutely in love with learning, and studying, Math, and Physics, while I am on adderall. Something about the euphoric effects it has on me, with the added benefit of how length of the euphoria, that I find it irresistible to continue risking my livelihood for another opportunity of earning the double reward that I get from using this drug, that is, the ability to not only get high from it but to also reap the reward of being able to pursue my passion for solving math and physics problems for hours. But as you probably would've guessed, this habit has continued causing me major problems in all aspects of my life the past couple of years(i.e. financially, academically, psychologically, physically, and in my family life). As you would probably guess with most of these cases, a simple solution would be to go see a medical professional and/or seek support through programs like 12-step, inpatient and outpatient rehabilitation. But here in lies the problem, I have been studying and learning while on Adderall for so long that I have comfortably adapted my brain to only being able to learn while on it, and as you would guess, I have been in and out of rehab multiple times the past few years, seen multiple psychiatrists, been on mountains of medications, but have yet to see any treatment proven to provide me with an effective long term solution to the ills of my double edged sword. So, that's why I am so concerned for my future and unsure as to how to go about this problem. I continue to relapse, longest I'm able to stay sober for is at most a month and a half, because I just can't bring myself to focus on my studies like the other students class unless I am on this drug. Stress and panic usually set in prior to important dates, like exams, which subsequently cause me to full on relapse. The cycle doesn't end here, if you are familiar with some of the long term side effects of amphetamine use then you are aware of the possibility of it causing a Psychotic break, and this is usually what happens to me(I will be going on my 4th psychotic episode if things don't start looking up for me). So moral of the story, even though I absolutely love solving math and physics problems while on adderall, the continued use is just continuing to pull me down to rock bottom and I don't know how much longer I can sustain it. Although I am a 30 year old veteran with PTSD, this hasn't affected me much lately but this was an issue when I first got out of the service and had trouble focusing because of the intrusive thoughts stemming from the PTSD, this of course started my spiral into heavy drug use downward. I am now going on my 7.5th year as an undergraduate, I am struggling heavily financially and have started to experience unwanted psychological symptoms again like suicidal thoughts, and from the looks of it, I don't know how I'm going to be able to cover for tuition, and other expenses, this semester. I am scheduled to enter my Master's program the following semester, but at the rate I am going, I really doubt that I am ever going to achieve my goals and aspirations of one day obtaining a Ph.D. So what do you guys recommend I do? How do you recommend I go about this? I really don't think 12-step programs, and rehabilitation, are my best option, I feel the information they provide is very repetitive and nuanced, and pretty much common sense. In my opinion, the information that is provided in some of these treatment programs should be more scientific based and provide more knowledge and awareness on the science of addiction and the brain. For example, teaching us about neuroplasticity and the ability to change the way you thing by physically changing the brain through methods such as learning, and telling us about the importance of maintaining a healthy lifestyle and how this adversely affects the brains ability to repair itself and become healthier at a faster rate. I've researched around so I am aware of new treatment procedures and medication that are being proposed. Someone please offer the much needed answer that I've been desperately trying to seek, and which hopefully will lead to my ability to be able to learn, and study, without the need of stimulants moving forward in my academic career. Well, so much for a short description.

Thank you for any input into my situation guys,
Christopher