[NaCl]

Greetings,

My daughter recently gave birth to a girl. She just turned 22 in March of this year. The father is 48 and I will be 46 in a few months.

In divulging this data to friends and whatnot, I've gotten the 'obligatory' inundation that she has 'Daddy Issues'. This got me thinking curious as to if I really was a poor father to her.

Her mother and I divorced in '06 due to her infidelity. I retained custody of her and the oldest of her 2 brothers. She has always been a headstrong individual. A common truism regarding her personality was/is that "She's only going to do what she's wants to do." Not that she was especially defiant or unruly. But that when it came to academics/chores, she was quite hard-lined in doing only what she felt she wanted to do. It was a point of contention but nothing 'deal-breaking'.

Because of her desire to not do homework no matter what I did/tried to arrange for her, she was successful in engineering repeated grades, summers schools, ultimately culminating into just having her go take the GED test so she could get on w/her life. It may be important to mention that she was officially tested/diagnosed w/ADHD and had a 509 set up at her school. This didn't really mean much given that it wasn't a time issue that prevented her from being successful. Also got her into a driver's course so she could get her license. She failed the skills test and refused to try again.

After several months of her being stagnant regarding warming to the idea of retaking the license test, getting a job, or even doing anything other than watching youtube videos, tv, constant FB'ing, or even bother to change out of pajamas on a given day, I set up a deal where she would go stay w/my mother.
The idea was that my mother could micro manage her enough to get her a driver's license, attend some job interviews, and perhaps even a job so she could get her life started. I had indicated that after some time getting things sorted, she would come back and go to college or something.

As it turns out, she and her mother engineered some sneak out in the middle of the night, head to the airport, and fly to out to her mother's. Leaving my mother w/a significant internet bill (they used a hotspot) from continuing her FB/yt 'habit' when she was, ostensibly, filling out online applications for potential employers.

From, _that_, we ended up not speaking much at all for about 2ish years. Shortly before last Thanksgiving we starting talking a little bit, and she spent that Thanksgiving w/us and things seemed on course for her to visit more often and more talking. Unfortunately, she had a falling out w/her roommate/friend and left to go live w/her mother again.

At various points, I would get some information from her brothers as to her dating much older men. The guy before the current one was 45 for instance. The one before that was in his late 30s.

So...fast forward to now. She informed me had a baby yesterday. She delivered on the 11th. It was premature; due date is last Sept. It otherwise seems healthy and stable. Apparently they keep them in the NICU until at least their due date.

We had a pleasant conversation. She had mentioned not telling me because she didn't want to be judged. I apologized for whatever I did to convey that that was a thing. And then we moved onto the age deal. I asked her, "no judgement, just curious", what was the deal with the older guys. She indicated that she didn't know, it wasn't planned, and that she didn't expect it would really go anywhere. From the data she did give me about the guy, he seems like an alright person. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, no drugs, treats her nicely, has a job w/insurance, and makes her happy. I mentioned that I was glad she was happy and that he sounded like a decent guy.

So...queue the "daddy issues" ribbing from friends and whatnot and the reason I am here. Is her dating history here indicative of issues I have caused? Does it mean I was a terrible father? Or is it a case of that whole a heart wanting what a heart wants kinda deal?

Thanks for taking the time to read and potentially respond!

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. It sounds like you were a very good father and did your best to address her challenges. You were also present in her life. I would ignore the ignorant "daddy issues" commentary. It doesn't apply here.

[Thunder Bow]

She does has some issues relating to her childhood. A divorce is hard on any child. Then there always a bunch of other complicating factors to go with it. No one can take a single blame for this. She needs to work on this her self.

[dzdaniel]

There's other reasons a woman can be attracted to older men. Maybe she likes that they're settled down and more mature. That would be a positive. Maybe she feels insecure about being able to take care of herself since she hasn't developed the habits or discipline to do so, so she's drawn to men that act like they want to take care of her and they are able to because they're older and established. That wouldn't be on you - you did the right thing by not enabling her to stay that way. Just my two cents (and based on things I've observed with women). Lastly, some people in relationships with large age gaps actually stay together and have happy lives. It could be worse! He could be 22, addicted to meth, cheating on her and hitting her... Oh! One more thing, that's kind of catch phrase nowadays - "Daddy issues." I've been guilty of using it, but I didn't really think of the actual father's role. I think I'll make sure not to use it anymore!