[Strive4Better]

Hi.
Here is my story:
This is my first time talking about this to anyone, but I need advice regarding my husband. All the sites I have gone to regarding loving someone with an addiction are nothing close to what is going on in our relationship.
He is never belligerent, but he will drink shots of vodka by himself all the time. Recently he went to the liquor store after home depot and drank shots on the drive home and out in the drive way… We were having a “normal family Sunday” where he likes to work on his projects like building a shed in the back yard etc. He is a wonderful handy man and very talented. He is very productive while under the influence which I think is why it makes it so difficult to see it end. I just can’t figure out why he must take shots like that on his way home. Why not wait until you’re in the house at least? It’s things like that, that make me most afraid. He never goes to the bar to drink and he always comes home usually early than me every night (another common complaint on the other sites of loving someone with an addiction, that are nonexistent for me).
I know people throw around the “high functional” alcoholic but my husband really is! He is a wonderful man who is an entrepreneur and has been a hardworking man since the day that we met. When I read other people’s blogs about trying to get help for their addicted loved one, they always have a story about abuse either mentally or physically or both. That does not happen to me at all. My husband treats me like a princess. He is the cook of the family and we both work full-time hours plus. He understands me when I talk to him about being scared he is addicted… over the last year we keep trying different things to help him gain control but it never lasts longer than a month. He is very receptive to my feelings and my fears, but we still haven’t reached a solution and I am scared we need to nip this in the butt before I am one of those sad abused mothers with an absent husband.

Start of our intoxicated relationship:
When we first got together (while I was in College and it was socially encouraged to be an alcoholic) we would drink all day long. Our relationship started with alcohol. We would drink an entire handle together in one day and it wouldn’t even phase us. When I married him, he drank just as much, if not more, than now, so I can’t say that I can fairly expect a change, but I just felt like both of us would grow up and grow out to it. He used to work out all the time before we got together and had an amazing body. He has gained a lot of weight and it is a struggle for him to go to the gym. I feel like the biggest ***** saying this, but I think my sex drive has plummeted because of the huge change in body appearance. I do not put out as much as I should. He deserves so much more but it is very hard for me to get in the mood. I feel like this could be a reason why he drinks so much. I know it is important for men and women of our age to be reaching orgasm at least every 3 days but usually we have sex 1-2 times a month. It’s not like he doesn’t try! I am just a ***** and I can’t stand the smell of alcohol coming out of his pores and I am just too much in my own head about it. But, I truly wonder if I was able to take care of him more in that aspect if maybe it would help. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I am extremely into psychology and physiology.

Some the tactics we have tried to get him to monitor/reduce alcohol:
* I tried monitoring his alcohol, but I will admit I am terrible with sticking to boring tasks like that… I have monitored quite a bit and he usually drinks 2-6 shots and 2-4 beers every day. This is during the work week. On the weekends it is usually much much more. On “good” weeks, he will go without alcohol for about 3-4days.
*We have tried making up rules for him that never last. Like not drinking hard alcohol. Last time we made this rule, he ended up drinking 13-20 beers and said, “it’s just beer.” He defiantly drinks to get drunk but again, he is so productive.
*He ordered a breathalyzer to become more aware of what his alcohol level truly was. It was mind blowingly high many many times (when he hardly felt or seemed drunk). This was a great eye opener for him but then it started getting to a point of fighting to get him to blow in it just to see where he was at…
* he ordered Antabuse online and if he takes the pill he will not drink for about a week, but it is hard for him to commit to that especially if we have family/friend events to go to. Everyone drinks beer and wine and he likes to be able to have at least that… My mother in law even makes her wine at her house! (which is wonderful wine btw!) and my dad is big on drinking ale at all family events… His friends drink a lot when they are together too. They like to go ice fishing and that is when they can drink so much.
*Antabuse is the longest thing that prevents drinking and he can go weeks but then is right back at it after a while. Antabuse so far has been the most effective, but it scares me because it is not being administered by a doctor and sometimes even after he has waited days after taking the pill he will drink, and his skin gets so blotchy it freaks me out.

These tactics really haven’t been useful for solving any problems, but they have helped him to become aware of the addiction creeping up. He even met with a counselor from GoSober but it would cost an arm and a leg and require him to never touch alcohol again, which he is not willing to do. He cannot afford to miss work that much either. And with him being such a productive drunk it is hard for him to see why he would pay so much to quit. He has gone to the doctor and everything still looks healthy which is an anomaly to me! It makes me wonder if I am the crazy one. Am I making something out of nothing? Or is it just a matter of time before it all catches up?

I am not perfect by any means:
What makes this so difficult for me is that I have overcome my addiction but can slip right back in easily if I am not careful. Yes, I can enjoy 1-2 glasses of wine without it throwing me in to relapse, but I don’t know if that is common for the typically recovering alcoholic… I usually don’t drink at all during the week and if my husband isn’t with me over the weekend I don’t usually drink on the weekend. I will admit he drives me nuts when he is tipsy/buzzed, and I am not. He just annoys me when I can hear it in his voice and I am not drinking. So sometimes I just start drinking because I don’t like feeling so pissy and annoyed with him. We recently went on a trip together and he bought 2 handles of vodka and I went right back into functional alcoholic mode. I felt disgusted with myself for days after the 2day drinking binge. I hate how he seems to be such a bad influence on me… I love him so much and he is so so good to me, I just don’t know why he must be so alcoholed up all the time.
The worst part about this is I feel like I was able to overcome my addiction by replacing it with another two! The first thing I used to peel me away from hitting the bottle was the gym. I got so addicted to this it actually took a toll on my body. I would go before work, on my lunch break and then after work (filled in the same places I used to take as many shots as possible). But then I would relapse and go back into liquor induced days. My second addiction: After multiple tries (stemming before the alcohol addiction) with my doctor to fix anxiety, I ended up with a prescription to Adderall. I must say this really helped me stay away from the bottle because it essentially did the same thing for me that alcohol did and that was calm me down to a level where I can focus. But I feel like a hypocrite because my husband isn’t going to go get a prescription to Adderall and in the end, it is just replacing one addiction with another…

What recently making Change seem more important:
We will be approaching 30 and we have finally started to get the small itch for a baby… And this is where my worry starts to get extreme. We aren’t trying for a baby yet but thinking possibly next year. Which means I will have to kick the Adderall and I would really need him to stop the boos, but it is easy said than done!
What should we do?

[Skeezyks]

Hello Strive: I'm sorry you are struggling with this difficult dilemma. I'm not knowledgeable with regard to alcohol-related issues. However, based on what you wrote, it sounds to me as though your husband is addicted & is in serious denial. There is an addictions forum here on PC. My suggestion, if you can do it, would be to copy this thread & re-post it in the Addictions forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/addictions/

Having read through your post, I would have to say one of my great fears here would be that, since your husband is apparently drinking & driving, sooner or later he may cause a serious perhaps even fatal auto accident.

Here where I live there was just a tragic incident where a retired pastor, who had been drinking, drove the wrong way on a divided highway & crashed head-on into the car of a young woman who worked as a 911 operator killing her. She was on her way to work. Drinking & driving is an extremely serious situation. And regardless of anything else, your husband's addiction must be addressed if for no other reason than that. Other people's lives are at risk as is yours & your future child's.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Here are links to some articles on the subject of alcoholism, from PsychCentral's archives, that may be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/dealing...in-alcoholism/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/frequen...ut-alcoholism/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-fa...ct-alcoholics/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/children-of-alcoholics/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/living-with-an-alcoholic/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/treatme...oholism/?all=1


I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to continue posting. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

Hello Strive, I see this is your first post so welcome to PC! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit. Once you have 5 approved posts, you will be able to enter the chat room and talk to fellow members.

It does sound difficult, to deal with a partner with an addiction who seems to function quite well despite it. I used to date someone with an alcohol problem, but he also had anger issues and brought in no income, so it was a lot easier to end the relationship.

There are a couple things you mentioned that concern me:

- He drives drunk, if I understand you correctly. He drinks and then drives home, which is dangerous to himself and to others. Even if he feels like a good "drunk driver" (many drunk drivers think this) alcohol does impair one's driving ability and can cost lives.
- His health. According to you his check-ups are good, for now. But he is still quite young, and that will likely change over time. I knew someone in their 40s who died of liver disease brought on by alcohol abuse, it is sad to see someone slowly killing themselves. But it happens. He is already gaining weight and out of shape, and his liver is probably feeling it already even if it's not showing up on tests yet.

Would he ever consider attending AA? As far as I know, those meetings are free. Their treatment plan isn't my cup of tea, but it works for some people.

Another thing he could consider is adding exercise into his daily routine. Even if he starts small and builds up from there. If you are not already exercising I would encourage you to do so as well, to help motivate your partner to get moving too.

Has he ever tried alternating one alcoholic beverage with a glass of water? That could help to slow him down as well. I wish you both the best.

[Strive4Better]

Thank you for your feedback. I would say the driving is less than I may have made it appear. Many times it's in our drive way once he is home. But I agree with you 100% and have talked to him about those exact things. I even mentioned that he might not even be the one that caused the accident but imagine how things will look if someone hits him. He will go down if there is alcohol on his breath.

THank you again for all of your help (and links to make things easier)

[Strive4Better]

scaredandconfused- Thank you for the response. I know I kind of rambled on that one! I'm not sure if your were able to make it toward the end of the post or not but Exercising is one of the things that helped pull me out of my addiction. I am incredibly passionate about working out.

My husband is working with a personal trainer at the gym again (they have had about 5 sessions). Which seems to help a lot until one day it just crashes down again and he starts drinking all day... usually the weekends are the worst thing that ruins it for him.

I think the other harder part is that he acknowledges his addiction... He knows he is addicted but nothing bad ever really comes from it. He is more outgoing and happy... It is just hard on me, thinking of all the things that could happen and seeing all the warning signs of how others have fallen in so deep.

[healingme4me]

It seems positive that you are examining the way things are in relation to considering where things need to be before starting a family. I found tapping into the why's of drinking as more enlightening than trying to control the drinking. I used to drink with my ex. Around the time every ounce of the stuff went down the drain as I decided the only home to have after a traumatic moment was a dry home...it was that it was about wanting the safety, support and love of my mom-to be 'closer' to her. She used to drink and I remember while pouring a childhood memory of her being berated and mistreated by my father.
Not saying that such method is the answer, but tapping into a mindful why is.
Sorting through oneself is important in considering parenting. Cannot guarantee that your husband will share your worries like you have, but it's no wonder that you do. I'd be a bit concerned about his long term health to keep up such a pace of indulgence.