[Mountaindewed]

Is it not appropriate to tell someone “if you really wanted it you would change your ways.” Or “if you really wanted it you would do something so it would be possible to have it.”

I’m not really even talking about saying it to someone with a mental illness.

I’m just wondering if saying it in general to someone is being rude and inconsiderate. I didn’t say it to anyone, and no one said it to me. I read it on a blog. It was about people who are able to travel.
Someone commented “if you really wanted it you’d change your ways.”

I guess maybe he was being rude. I don’t know. I do kind of feel like it can be true at certain times. If you truly wanted something wouldn’t you do something so it can happen?

I think in specific cases it can be useful, but generally it's just crappy advice.

My mother had EMDR because she felt like a bad mother.

No effort to be a better mother. Not trying to do anything at all to really help me in a non-technical way.

She's willing to drive me to therapy to work on the feeling of not being safe at home, but isn't willing to change those behaviours that make me feel unsafe.

So yeah, I think it's appropriate in some cases. However basically saying "Just don't get sad" is ridiculous.
But if you get angry and hurt me and then feel guilty, time and time again, take anger management classes. Don't take dealing-with-guilt classes. Or take them both for all I care. But work on changing the behaviour you'll feel guilty about, not on the guilt.

[Taylor27]

I think it could be useful advice to someone thats close to you and they would be ok with it. Someone like me would be offended im very sensitive. I would be careful and not use it unless i knew it would help the person.

These things are said with the intent of encouraging the individual to be responsible for attempting to make change in their lives. Unfortunately there are instances this comes across as quite hurtful. Telling a Depressed person to make a better effort to get better is not the same as telling a person who wishes to travel they should try and make it happen.

[cool09]

But work on changing the behaviour you'll feel guilty about, not on the guilt

I've tried to change my anxiety over the last 30 years but it stays the same. I don't know what the answer is. Same thing with my depression which finally lifted after taking new meds. I've stayed active during my life and these problems never went away.

Originally Posted by cool09

I've tried to change my anxiety over the last 30 years but it stays the same. I don't know what the answer is. Same thing with my depression which finally lifted after taking new meds. I've stayed active during my life and these problems never went away.

I didn't mean to imply that. I just mean that if you do something bad time and time again, like deliberately hurting another, it's rather selfish and invalidating to the persons you hurt if you see a therapist to work on the guilt but don't put in any effort to change the (unacceptable, immoral, maybe illegal) behaviours.

You can't help anxiety and depression besides doing the best you can. But I hope that, say, if your anxiety gets to the point you attack random people on the street, you think "I should stop attacking people, I'll get help for that" and not "I'll do a meditative exercise to rid me of the guilt I feel after breaking that person's jaw." And then tomorrow you'll break someone's .. .

Guilt (Appropriate guilt - the guilt you feel after you did something really wrong) is a bit like a teacher. It conditions us; if I yell at someone and they cry, the guilt I feel will prevent me, or slow me down, from doing the same in the future. Removing that guilt side effect means I can yell without consequence.

But that's only about behaviour. "I just can't stop abusing my spouse": turn yourself in for all I care. Move out. Seek inpatient therapy. If you really want to, you could - or you'd at least make every effort.
"I can't stop being anxious." Regretfully you can't move out from your anxiety.. so that's a whole different cup of tea.

[nicoleflynn]

That is rude....everyone has an opinion....that is meaningless to you/others.......the comment was a criticism.

[-jimi-]

I think it is inappropriate to point out things the person probably already knows. I often talk about my life how I want it and cool things I want to do. My friend then usually just jumps along and talks as well. Because in this situation we use the topic for small talk and daydreaming. Then we don't need anyone to tell us we're just sitting on our backs because we know it.

[seesaw]

I think in some very specific situations it can be helpful advice, like, if you really wanted to travel, you'd make it happen, as in, instead of just dreaming about it, you'd make a plan, save your money, figure out how to do it within your budget, request the time off from work, etc...So I think that it's true in some specific cases, that people say they want to do something but they don't really put any effort into having or doing that thing.

Is it appropriate to say or helpful? Maybe if you're a close friend and can be trusted to say something that blunt, but to someone you don't know? Not very nice.

[Quarter life]

Words are powerful things. The sentiment could be worded differently to either be encouraging and supportive... instead of disparaging. Some people don't know the difference.

[Quarter life]

And see?...my end rejoinder could be construed negatively. My true meaning is lost because I failed to amplify on which people I am referring to......Language is powerful stuff.

[SunKissed&ScrewedUp]

I don't think its necessarily wrong to say that, but i do see how some people could be sensitive to it in certain situations. Maybe try to reword it or find something else like i always tell myself and my boyfriend, in situations where life is going crapy and i want to change and do better, "If nothing changes, nothing changes". Basically that tells me if i want something i gotta change what I'm doing to get it cuz whats currently happening aint working ya know. Just maybe when you say it say it with a smile or a soft voice to make it sound less harsh lol