How to stop my husband from over buying things?

I have bipolar disorder type 1 and consider myself a frugal woman. Even when I'm manic, I don't really go on any major buying sprees. My husband, however, is definitely not bipolar, but seems to constantly be spending money on things we don't need. And we don't have the money for them. We have credit card debt that keeps growing.

I have been disabled from my mental illness for years. I have my disability income, and my husband works full-time and always has. A long time ago when I was able to work full-time we did well. My income was even higher than his. I know the situation we're in, but there isn't much more I can personally do. I try not to spend that much money on groceries, which is the only thing I really spend money on. I almost never buy new clothes or hardly anything else. My car is a 1997 Honda Civic. I rarely need gas because I never drive anywhere. I hardly use electricity. Vacations are never my idea, and I rarely even initiate purchase of any entertainment. And yet, every day there is at least a box on our be porch or even three or four. I was content with my most recent laptop and phone, and yet he bought me new ones. I'd be happy spending under $200 total for Christmas, and yet he spends much much more.

I don't ask to go out to any restaurants that often, and the ones I do a cheap ones that give so much food that it's cheaper to get it from them (when dividing up servings) than to make it myself.

I don't know what to do to get him to stop spending. He always says that either he really "needs it" or that he suffers so much at work that he must go on vacations or to concerts. I feel his pain. I feel guilty that his lifestyle has been affected by my illness. That's usually why I say nothing.

We can't afford to retire where we are. He wants to move back to Europe (he's a joint US citizen and citizen of a European country). I'm an American. Being ill, the thought of moving is scary, but he makes good points about such a move. We would be more secure in Europe than in the US where Social Security and Medicare's future is uncertain. Plus, bad times seem to be brewing for people in our situation under the current Republican be power.

I do not know what to do. When things get bad I sometimes think that getting rid of me would help, but I know that would kill my husband, so it's not an option.

During a trip to Europe last month my husband made us look for houses. He only wanted to look at ones that were surely beyond what we should pay. The whole search made me sick with mania. It ruined the trip making all that vacation money spent seem like a waste. The poor guy was crying on the plane because I was so sick.

I don't know what to do.

I read your whole post and don't really have suggestions. I'm single and semi-retired, but I think I'd move to Europe in a heartbeat, given the opportunity. I hope that works out for you two. I also think that living in a tiny house would be WAY fun.

But anyway, I thought your statement above was interesting. I also have BPI, but I've never been on a spending spree which is so characteristic of bipolar behavior. I've bought lots of new cars but could always afford them, so I wouldn't consider that excessive. I have a budget, and I live within my budget. Simple. I love online shopping, but I've learned that spending generates a bill, and I have to pay the bill. I make great sacrifices to ensure that my credit rating is sterling. This is an obsession with me, and if I had a husband spending money on unnecessary items, it would drive me to distraction. I figure if I run out of money one day, I can at least prove that there was a time when I paid my debts in a timely fashion.

So sorry that your trip last month went badly.

I'd more than likely become stressed beyond relief at the thought of looking at homes well out of budget with a pressure to relocate. There's nothing worse than being financially incompatible. Based upon your post, I'm inclined to worry that there's not even a nestegg for retirement comfort?

Hi Bird Dancer,

Honestly, I think the answer to your question is that you can't stop your husband from overspending. It has to be his decision to live within his means. It sounds like you are doing your part, but he's not taking the money issue as seriously as you are. I'm not sure what I would do in that situation.

Sorry if that's not helpful.

My wife & I are retired. We are also frugal. We actually live day-to-day on our Social Security income with money left over. You asked how to stop your husband from over-buying things. I think the short answer is... you can't. He's working & he's his own man. He's going to buy what he wants to buy. From my perspective the remedy for this would perhaps be some couples counseling, or maybe more to the point, some financial counseling. Establishing a budget with some financial goals & guidelines regarding how to achieve them, that the two of you could agree on, would be the only way I could see to get some control over what your husband is spending.

You mentioned your husband has dual citizenship & is interested in moving to Europe. Perhaps the key here is for you to agree in principle to this objective with the understanding that it must be done in a thoughtful, well planned out, & financially responsible manner. Then a financial plan could be developed with the goal being for the two of you to make the move. (The two of you could, perhaps, find a financial counselor who could help you with this, if need be.) Establishing this goal might give your hubby the incentive he needs to curb his profligate ways.

If something such as this is simply not acceptable to your husband, however, you may just have to accept that he is going to do what he wants to do whether you like it or not. And, in that case, possibly what this comes down to is you seeking some individual therapy services for yourself (or using the therapy services you already have) to help you deal with the distress your husband's spending habits are causing you. There's no way I can think of to make him stop if he chooses not to.

Here's a link to an article, from PsychCentral's archives, titled "Stop Trying to Change People Who Don't Want to Change" plus a second article titled: "When You Want to Change a Loved One". Perhaps some of the ideas in these articles can be of some help:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...ant-to-change/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...e-a-loved-one/

I wish you both well...

Thanks everyone, for reading my long post and providing advice, support and wisdom.

Skeezyks, thank you for the article referrals. I will read them tomorrow since it's a bit late for me now.

Hi, BirdDancer. Does he really need the stuff he bought or not? Does it hurt your family financially? Does your family has any leftover after all the spending? Do you both have any savings?

It is possible that husband have spending addiction. I have it too and admittedly, it reduces my stress whenever I buy something. But I'm just assuming based on your post. You should observe more or seek professional for further diagnosis.

I agree with Skeezyks. You can start to budget your family expenses and set up a financial goals. This means you must track all of the spending too, so you must consult with your husband whether he is ok or not. If you don't mind, hiring a financial consultant or advisor is good too. Also, set up saving account and saving goals. You can put it in deposit account. Most banks also have saving plan service, which you can apply on.

If you google more, you can find lots of budgeting template and saving goals examples. Good luck find your findings.

Hi Turtle. We definitely would benefit from creating a budget. I know for most housholds that's a given kind of thing, but it never really was for us. I'll confess that when I worked full-time we got away with not having one. It's odd, come to think of it, in some ways hubby bought fewer things back then. Obviously, online stores were available 14 years ago and before a bit, but now that online shopping is so easy, reliable, and generally appealing, his spending on fairly non essential items increased.

In anwer to your questions:

Does he really need the stuff he bought or not?
- Usually not for the most part, but it's hard to convince him of that. Like yesterday, he bought me this fancy small frying pan. I didn't need that. I had actually mentioned needing a small saucepan. He remembered thst, but bought the frying pan because he thought it looked cool. Also, he returned one pair of pants only to buy two more plus a shirt. He has more clothes than I do. Oddles.

Does it hurt your family financially?
- Yes. Our credit card balance keeps increasing.

Does your family has any leftover after all the spending?
- We have some money in our accounts, but not more than the credit card debt.

Do you both have any savings?
- We both have 401K savings, but my balance is relatively small since I've been on disability for so long. We own a house, but still pay mortgage payments. Luckily we do have some good equity.