[spaghettios]

I haven't been able to interact with people normally at any point in my life. When I was in elementary school I was extremely aggressive and prone to tantrums far past the age where that behavior is normal. This behavior continued into jr high and highschool.

Possible trigger:

My tantrums went from scratching my arms up and screaming to punching myself, banging my head on walls, hitting myself in the face, biting my arms and making non human sounds.

I've never had control of these outbursts. They're almost always triggered by other people, especially if I'm cornered or they stand to close to me. They're embarrassing, I have no control over them, I'm an adult woman, I don't want to have temper tantrums like a 5 year old.

In addition to this I have no conversation or people skills. Often times when people try to talk to me I feel like I'm not fully there and no matter how hard I try I can't have a normal conversation and it's mostly "umm"s and "uhh"s. I've never had an actual friendship in real life. I have internet friends but I usually lose interest in talking to them after a while. The only person I genuinely enjoy being around is my boyfriend. I met him on the internet and I’ve met him once in real life. He’s the only person I’m comfortable touching me or being near me.

It feels like I’m trapped in my own brain. I’m stuck living with my mother because I don’t even have a high school diploma. I’ve never had a job, I doubt I could hold one. The last time I was in school I was 15 and even then I wasn’t able to stop myself from acting aggressive and I wasn’t able to speak to other children normally.

I hate living like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ptsd before but none of those would cause me to act like this. But these diagnoses are based on therapists, psychs and social workers I saw for less than 6 months. I always discontinue therapy shortly after I start because I start to hate whoever is performing it and I don’t want to melt down or attack a therapist and get sent to prison or the hospital.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, spaghettios From what you wrote, it sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now. Are you taking any meds right now? Maybe that could help. It could help you make you feel more stable. Do you have any idea of why you start disliking your therapist? Is there any recurring pattern that you can see? Maybe you just haven't met the right therapist for you. I'd suggest to keep looking as I think it may really help you. Finding a good therapist isn't easy, and it takes time to develop trust, but it can be done. Do you have a support system IRL? Any friends or family that could help you? Is your mother being supportive of you? I'm so sorry, please don't give up. Stay safe and take care of yourself. I hope you'll feel better soon. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to vent here as much as you want. We'll listen to what you have to say and won't judge you. We care about you. Keep writing here if it helps. I'm here for you as well if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[Skeezyks]

Hello spaghettios: Thank you for sharing your concern here on PC. I'm sorry you have experienced all of this difficulty in your life. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support. I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry there is really nothing I can offer with regard to what you have experienced pretty-much all of your life it sounds like to me. You mentioned having seen therapists, psychs & social workers. But I wondered if you've been evaluated medically perhaps by a neurologist & / or other specialists. I'm neither a mental health nor a medical professional. But what you described sounds as though it could perhaps have a neurological basis to it?

Yes, having the problems you've had could certainly cause you to develop depression, anxiety & PTSD as well as some additional mental health issues I would surmise. But I, at least, have to wonder if perhaps there might be something physiological behind it all. Of course I don't really know. It's just a thought. I know in my own case, although it has never been diagnosed, I have to believe I have some (perhaps fairly minor) brain damage from years of bumping my head every night as a child to go to sleep. I've always had difficulty with controlling my temper & people who have suffered brain injuries often exhibit poor self-control.

Anyway, if you have not had yourself thoroughly evaluated neurologically, I would think that might be something to consider if possible. I hope you find being here on PC to be of benefit.

[healingme4me]

^^^I agree about a neurological checkup.

So sorry that you are going through this. And so sorry that the assessments sound like they started in adulthood-based upon the statement of your choice to stop treatments after 6 months.