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BirdieChaser
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Default Feb 20, 2021 at 12:36 PM
  #1
When I was 15, I had a very minor/trivial thing happen that still gets stuck in my mind sometimes even though I happened almost 27 years ago.

Mom was going to drive my grandfathers old Chevy Silverado pick-up which my parents had gotten when he died a few years before to the garden store to get plants and soil for our garden, and I was having to sit in the middle because it was my 11 year old sisters day to choose where to sit.

I remember when I was ready to go, mom told me to go out to the truck and sit in the middle. When I tried to argue about sitting in the middle she told me she didn’t have time for that and escorted me out to the truck and told me to get in and buckle-up. A few minutes later, my sister was opening the passenger side door and then sitting down in the passenger seat to my right. I remember we had to wait in the truck for what seemed like forever for mom and that she kept invading my space which made me uncomfortable. It was the longest time I ever remember having to wait in a vehicle.

I remember after we had been waiting for probably 15-20 minutes, mom was finally locking-up the house and then opening the drive side door and sitting down in the driver seat on my left. Once she was in, she closed her door and then put the key in the ignition and started trying to start the truck. I remember she kept turning the key and pumping on the gas pedal, but the instead of starting-up each crank ended with a buzzing sound and a dash full of red lights. I remember after spending several minutes she went back in the house to call my dad and see if he had any suggestions for getting the truck to start and told us to sit tight in the truck. I remember when she came back out, the battery went dead after spending a few more minutes trying to start the truck and we ended-up taking her van to the garden store instead.

For some reason, since that time it has been uncomfortable for me to ride in the middle; wait in a vehicle; or buckle my seatbelt before the driver gets in. I have no idea why that one event has had such a strong impact.

Normally, I do not even think about the actual memory but for some reason when I am dealing with stress and anxiety this memory can get back in my mind with very vivid details and be difficult to get out of my mind. It has been especially hard to shake the past several months as I am dealing with all the stress and anxiety of almost a year of dealing with the Coronavirus. I would love to try to find a way to be able to better handle this memory and the anxiety it causes when I think about it.

I know this event was very minor and was not a big deal, that I was in the truck for less than 30 minutes that day and that we still went where we were planning to go just in a different vehicle. Looking back, I think the reason I struggle with this memory so much is because of when it happened in my life and how my 15 year old mind perceived everything. I know it was a time in my life when I was in a power struggle with my parents for more control over things and that I really bothered me that mom had the control to tell me where to sit in the truck; when to get in; and when to put on my seatbelt. I think at that age it also really bothered me that I had to just sit and wait for mom to get in the truck and when while she was trying to start it. I also remember as a 15 year old boy, I thought it was humiliating that mom was giving my younger shorter sister the window seat and the only thing worse than me being in the middle and my sister by the window was that mom was driving. At the time, they were the last people in the world I wanted to have to sit between.

I wanted to post about this as I am really getting tired of having this memory stuck in my mind and don’t see it going away anytime soon since there is still so much uncertainly about when things will get back to normal again. I am hoping some other users may be able to give me some tips of pointers for dealing with this memory and not having it bring about such unpleasant feelings and emotions when I have it.

My apologies for advance for the wordy post. In the event, I have posted this in the wrong location, feel free to move to the correct place.
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Default Feb 20, 2021 at 05:00 PM
  #2
No need to apologize or to feel guilty about it as we can't really control that much our memories and how they affect us so your feelings are ABSOLUTELY valid! Are you currently seeing a therapist or any other professional whom may be able to Help you sort through these memories? It may prove useful to write it down every time you experience it so that you may be able to understand in what kind of situations specifically these flashbacks occur and perhaps even remind yourself that these are only memories. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @BirdieChaser, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Feb 20, 2021 at 09:34 PM
  #3
The memory may seem inconsequential, but to you it has meaning and impact. You were, as you pointed out, at an age when you were trying to assert yourself to become a young man, yet you were being treated like a child. Your little sister was getting into your space. Your mom was running late. Then the truck didn't start - more stress. Where did you have to sit when all of you changed cars?

And so on.

I have so many of those types of memories that come into my mind (or come from my mind) every day...a memory of standing in front of my 7th grade school, waiting for my mom to pick me up and her being (as usual) late. Was it abuse? Or a huge event? No, but it impacted me enough that it's still stuck in my thought process today.

I think it's great that you wrote out your memory here. I hope that doing so has helped diffuse it some.

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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 11:06 AM
  #4
I rode in the backseat of mom’s van and my sister rode up front when we switched to it. Because me and my sister used to fight about who got to ride up front, my mom would let one of us choose where to sit on even days and the other on odd days. The day that mom was driving the truck was my sisters day to choose where to sit and she wanted to sit by the window and I was stuck in the middle. By that time, I would normally always let my sister ride up front and would ride in the back because I preferred to sit away from mom and avoid awkward conversations. I remember it really bothered me having to ride between my mom and younger/shorter sister and that I was trying to argue that she should make my sister ride in the middle since I was usually letting her ride up front when mom finally had enough and escorted me out to the truck. As an adult, I know mom was being fair letting my sister choose where to sit on her day to choose and that if I had accepted this rather than acting like a child and arguing about it she probably wouldn’t have treated me like a child and walked me out to the truck.

Good to know that I am not the only person who has a minor/trivial event stuck in my mind. I had been afraid that this was not something others experience and had been trying to suppress it and not bring it up around others. I appreciate the encouraging words @BethRags and @MickeyCheeky.

It is amazing how clear this memory is as there are other much more consequential events in my life that I cannot remember with such clarity. I can clearly remember what both my mom and sister were wearing that day and their hair styles. I remember the reason that me and my sister waited so long in the truck is because my aunt called mom after we were in the truck and they talked for a while. I remember while me and my sister waited in the truck I was focusing on the empty driver seat/steering wheel/gauges and wished I was sitting there are driving; I remember I could see our reflection in the windshield and was embarrassed at how much taller I was than my sister yet was stuck in the middle; I remember my sister’s tan sandals were the same color as the vinyl bench seat/floor mats/padding on the dash; our dogs running free in the backyard; my sister repeatedly putting her head on my shoulder even after I asked her not to; looking towards our back door and wondering why there was no sign of mom & looking towards our neighbors house and hoping no-one would see me in the middle seat of the truck. While mom was trying to start the truck I remember her hand turning the key and her foot pumping the gas pedal and the buzzing sound and red lights on the dash each time the truck failed to start. I also remember I could smell both my mom and sisters breath whenever they talked and that really bothered me as well. I have to wonder if this memory would not be so strong if either the truck had started-up or mom had gotten in right after us rather than making us wait while she talked to my aunt/her sister.

When I have the flashbacks with this memory I think it is causing anxiety because I am re-living it as a 15 year old dealing with the negative feelings I had then. These include being really embarrassed about having to ride in the middle; being mad at my sister for choosing the window seat and for repeatedly putting her head on my shoulder or trying to give me a hug while we waited; being mad at mom for letting my sister choose where to sit, treating me like a baby and walking me to the truck when I acted like a baby about sitting in the middle, thinking it was no big deal for us to wait in the truck while she talked with my aunt rather that either calling her back later or letting us know it would be a while and we could get out if we wanted, and making me get in the truck when she wasn’t sure it would start; and feeling like I had no control because I was buckled to the middle seat and had to just sit and wait for my sister and then mom to get in and then while mom was trying to start it. As an adult, I understand that mom let my sister sit by the window since it was her day to choose and that was the fair thing to do; that mom made me go and wait in the truck because I was nagging her about having to ride in the middle and she was tied of hearing it; that she probably lost track of time talking to my aunt and forgot we were waiting for her in the truck; and that she had no way of knowing the truck was not going to start. I know that the reason my sister was invading my space was because she knew it was getting on my nerves by the way I was reacting and that she chose to sit by the window since it was her day to choose and that was the desirable place to sit.

I seem to struggle with this memory the most when I am dealing with high levels of stress and anxiety in my life. This could be something like stress at work; relationship trouble; or family drama. Normally, once I am able to address the situation causing the stress; this memory moves to the back burner and is not as dominant on my mind. I know the stress and anxiety I am dealing with now is related to Coronavirus and the disruption it has caused to our every day life and the uncertainty as to when things will get back to normal and if there will be more disruptions before then. I will likely be starting some new threads in the future to address some of these if I do not find that others have already posted about them.

My apologies again that this post is so long, but I am trying to share my memories and feelings from this event in hopes that finally sharing them may help to deal with it since I do not see any end to the Coronavirus stress anytime soon. I may add some more in the future if I continue to struggle with this memory.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 01:53 PM
  #5
Yeah, your memory of that day is definitely one of anxiety. And anger. I know that I already said it, but I think it's therapeutic for you to write out the memories that trouble you.

As for the pandemic, you might want to check out the long thread on covid on the Current Events board.

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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 01:54 PM
  #6
It's a strange thing for me when I reached a point in my life all kinds of memories from the past have come back. Lately I had some thoughts about the past of the things I did or the way I acted. And I was horrified when I had those thoughts. For decades I had completely forgotten about those things that I've done. I very much wonder how those people in the past who had to put up me feel about me today. Do they ever think about me? And if they did, do they shudder at the thoughts about me?

My father was teacher and, whenever there was any news about one of his past students, he would remember them very well. There seemed to be quite a few that he had critical memories of. Like how stupid they were or how much of a pain they were when they were misbehaving. I wonder if people in the past have those kind of memories about me?

I know it's all in the distant past but those thoughts just come to me and I feel bad about them. Well shoot, for all I know, the people in the past may have totally forgotten about me! At least that would be nice to know.
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Default Feb 28, 2021 at 01:19 PM
  #7
@BethRags, would you be able to provide me with a link to the Coronavirus thread? I cannot seem to find a current events form and would definitely like to read through the thread.

Also... thanks for suggesting I write about the event. I have been spending some time writing about it and my decide to share in the future when I am done with it. Other than talking with my dad right after it happened, I have kept the memory to myself.
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Default Mar 13, 2021 at 10:50 AM
  #8
This memory has become stuck in the front of my mind since week before last and is becoming a big distraction when I am trying to work though other more important things I need to be dealing with in the now.

The memories/flashbacks of arguing with mom about sitting in the middle; mom escorting me out to the truck; me and my sister waiting in the truck; mom trying to get the truck started; and the anxiety I felt about riding between my mom and sister are all becoming more frequent and even more vivid with all the sights, sounds, and smells I remember.

As I have been trying to think through this memory more, I think the reason I am struggling with this so much is because it was a situation where I felt a lot of anxiety about having to ride between my mom and sister and then had a bad outcome that only magnified this anxiety. I know the reason I felt so much anxiety about riding in the middle was because I believed that having to ride between my mom and my sister and having my younger shorter sister by the window a myself who was a lot taller in the middle was somehow an attack on my masculinity. I remember feeling a lot of anxiety about this during the brief time I spent in the truck waiting for my sister to come out. Me and my sister having to spend around 20 minutes waiting in the truck for mom and then being stuck in the middle while mom spent a long time trying to get it started only amplified these anxieties. I think the combination of the anxiety I felt about riding in the middle and then the unpleasant things I had to experience while sitting there are why this event that was truly minor and un-consequential gets stuck in my mind and is so had to shake sometimes, especially when I am dealing with other stress and anxiety in my life.

This memory is the only time in my life that I ever remember having to ride between my mom and sister and the last time I remember mom driving the truck as my parents got ride of it later that summer when I turned 16 and dad bought a new car and gave me his old car to drive. While at the time I was glad I never had to ride between my mom and sister again, I now wonder if not having to face that again has only amplified the anxieties I felt and given this memory more power. I have to wonder if this memory would have gone away if later on I had to ride between my mom and sister again in the truck and my sister and I had to spend just a few minutes waiting for mom and then the truck started right-up. I wonder if then I would have discovered the anxieties I felt about my masculinity being attached were just figments of my imagination and really not a big deal.

I wanted to share what I have been feeling and my thoughts on it in hopes that others may read them and offer advice or suggestions on how I can better deal with them.

In the event that there are other places on this site that may be better places for bring this memory-up and get advice and suggestions for dealing with it, please let me know and I can post about it there.

Last edited by BirdieChaser; Mar 13, 2021 at 10:53 AM.. Reason: Fix grammar errors
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Default Jun 19, 2021 at 11:07 AM
  #9
After finally getting this memory moved to the back burner for several weeks I think due to the improving Coronavirus situation and my states easing or restrictions and allowing things to move back closer to normal, I am struggling with the memory again and thinking about it often.

I think it got triggered a few weeks ago when I was putting fuel in my car. While I was swiping my credit card at the pump, a regular cab pick-up pulled up to the pump next to me. The truck was driven by a woman and there was a taller boy who looked to be in his teens in the middle, and a shorter girl who looked to be 10-12 sitting by the window. She immediately turned off the truck and then went into to convenience store while the boy and girl waited in the truck. Several minutes later when I finished fueling and drove away from the pump, the woman had still not come out of the convenience store and the boy and girl were still in the truck waiting for her to come back out and begin fueling.

For some reason, I really noticed the seating arrangement in the truck and that the boy and girl were having to spend a long time just waiting in the truck and it triggered my memories of when I was having to ride in the middle and wait in the truck with my sister. I have no idea whether the boy minded being in the middle or waiting in the truck, but I felt really bad for him. It also made me think that if mom had been able to get the truck started that day, everyone we passed would have noticed I was in the middle and my sister was by the window like I noticed how the boy and girl were sitting in that truck.

Since seeing that, the memory of when I riding in the middle and the truck wouldn't start has been pushed back to the front of my mind. I am having really vivid flashbacks to my memories of arguing with mom about having to sit in the middle; waiting for a long time in the truck with my sister for mom to come out and get in; and being stuck between my mom and sister while mom kept pumping the pedal and turning the key trying to start the truck. I am again having a hard time getting these off my mind like I did in the winter and early spring. I am sure some stress I am dealing with at work and the recent news about the Delta Variant of the Coronavirus are not helping any to get this memory off my mind.

I am not sure if seeing what I saw when I was fueling has ever been a trigger in the past for bringing the memory back into the forefront of my mind, but would expect it has at some point in the past. Especially when regular cab truck were more prevalent and more frequently used as a family's daily transportation. I know that seeing people having car trouble can frequently trigger this memory.

Would greatly appreciate any advice of things I can try to get this memory back to the back burner where I do not think of it all the time. Also, I would be interested in hearing tips for dealing with things that trigger the memory. Any advice would be appreciated and I would like to stop thinking about it.
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Default Jun 26, 2021 at 02:24 PM
  #10
In a way you are lucky to have those memories because then you actually KNOW where certain thoughts & feelings you have come from.

I remember thoughts & feelings but don't have a clue as to where they originated from. Sometimes I wish I could go back & view my childhood as a fly on the wall.

I remember being so embarrassed by my parents I didn't want anyone to know they were my parents. Not the normal kid embarrassed by their parent kind of thing but really embarrassed from as young as I can remember. I fought them treating me like a child because being the only child I thought they were trying to keep me their baby & I just wanted to grow up & get out of there. I am guessing it was probably something I overheard someone saying because those thoughts are not normal for a 5 year old....I just remember always feeling u comfortable around my parents. Therapy at age 60 helped me understand that their behaviors were weird & that I was not wrong but I wish I had the memory of what happened that made me realize it in the first place. My mom didn't drive & my dad worked nights so I didn't get out to be around other kids much except the boys in my neighborhood & I was definitely an outdoor Tomboy kinda kid....It will be a mystery my whole life

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Default Sep 13, 2021 at 06:43 PM
  #11
I have become increasingly stressed with the worsening situation with the Delta Variant and fears and anxieties about the possibility of restrictions being put back in place. As a result, I am really struggling with this memory again and have started having very vivid dreams where I am re-living the memory, and in some dreams the memories are much darker than what happened in real life. I am afraid that I may just have to deal with them until the situation with the Delta Variant improves in my community and I no-longer have to worry about tightening of restrictions.

As I think back on the memory and the anxieties that it created, I am wondering if the way I have coped with them by avoiding riding in the middle; waiting until the driver is in before getting in a vehicle; and waiting until the engine is running before putting on my seatbelt has made these anxieties and the memory even worse. I wonder if the anxieties would become more manageable if I try to face them rather than running from them. I wonder if I were to ride in the middle seat of a truck between two females; get in the truck and buckle-up; and wait in it for the driver if that would help to let go of the memory. I am wondering if others have ever tried to face an anxiety and if it helped them to control the anxiety and not be so bothered by the memory that caused it.
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Default Sep 28, 2021 at 05:08 AM
  #12
Thanks for sharing
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 12:32 PM
  #13
I am increasingly wondering if I need to try to find a way to face all of the things that cause anxieties from this memory if we ever get to the other side of the coronavirus.

To try to face these, I would envision finding a situation where I will be riding in the middle seat of a truck, perhaps between two females since I had so much anxiety riding between my mom and sister. I would get in the truck first and buckle to the middle seat and then spend some time waiting in the truck first by myself and then with the passenger. Hopefully when the driver gets in the truck would start right up and then we would go where we need to go. Obviously if I tried to face this, i would want to be in a newer truck that had been driven recently rather than and older truck that had been sitting for several days so there would be a pretty good chance of the truck starting right up when the driver gets in.

Hopefully if I tried to face these things, I would have a better experience than when I was riding between my mom and sister and I would then not get so anxious when I face these things.

I am wondering if others think facing these anxieties could help me deal with them better going forward. It will probably be at least a year or two before I can consider trying to face them as I do not see coronavirus going away anytime soon.
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 03:18 PM
  #14
I personally have always found the best way to deal with anxiety is to live in the present & work through the things that come up now & push through it successfully than trying to re-create the past. That is how I deal with all my anxieties. If a past anxiety reoccures in the present.....then I deal with it & work through it in the NOW. I do not have time or energy to live in the past cause today brings enough of it's own issues into life

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Default Jan 11, 2022 at 09:35 PM
  #15
I have started really struggling with this memory again the last few weeks. I think this is because new Coronavirus cases and hospitalizations are skyrocketing in my community. I had been doing better with keeping it on the back burner and not thinking about it all that often in November and December as I was able to start living life again without having to worry about Coronavirus and was able to do things I enjoy again.

Since the week after Christmas, I think about these memories several times a day most days and struggle to be able to focus on other things.

The part of this memory I seem to think about most this time around is the feelings of anxiety I felt about people seeing me riding between my mother and younger/shorter sister in the truck. While me and my sister spent forever waiting in the truck for my mom to come out and get in and drive us to the garden store, I remember I kept focusing on the reflection of me and my sister in the windshield and how much taller I looked than her. As I kept waiting for my mom to get in, I remember I was convinced that everyone who saw us would think that it was odd that a teenage boy was riding in the middle between a woman and a younger/shorter girl and that this would be a threat to my masculinity.

We would have driven on some busy roads going from our house to the garden store and would have gotten stopped at several traffic lights. I remember as I focused on me an my sisters reflection while being bored to death waiting for my mom , that I was convinced that whenever we got stopped at a traffic light that everyone who saw us would notice I was in the middle and my sister was by the window and would think this was strange and that I was weird for riding in the middle.

Since mom couldn't get the truck started when she got in, I never got to see how people who we passed would react to the seating arrangement.
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Default Oct 15, 2022 at 01:54 PM
  #16
I have been really struggling with this memory again the last few weeks since having a trigger. I was selling an elliptical I had bought to use during the worse of the Coronavirus Pandemic that I didn't need anymore and this woman came to my house to pick it up in an old Jeep Comanche Pickup Truck with her son who looked to be in his late teens and her daughter who looked to be in her early teens. When her son and daughter had the elliptical loaded in the back of her truck, she told them to get in the truck and the older boy got in and moved over to the middle seat and then the younger girl sat down by the window. The woman then spent forever asking me questions about the elliptical she had already purchased and talking about why she was buying it while her son and daughter waited in the truck for her. When she finally got done talking to me, she got in the truck and then she had a hard time getting it started before she finally got the truck to start and they left with the elliptical.

Since then, I have been struggling with the memory when I was 15 and riding between my mom in sister in the middle seat of our old truck again. I know in addition to the trigger I have been feeling lots of stress over things like inflation/the economy/the war in Ukraine/the hurricane in Florida/the political unrest. I think all of these things are making the old memory stay in the front of my mind and I know I always struggle with it more when I am dealing with issues.

I am hoping some other uses can provide suggestions for (1) dealing with this memory better when there are lots of issues going on in my life and (2) doing a better job of dealing with and ignoring triggers such as the one I had when the woman came to pick up my old elliptical.

Last edited by BirdieChaser; Oct 15, 2022 at 02:07 PM..
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Default Oct 15, 2022 at 07:41 PM
  #17
I feel so bad for you that that old memory is still stuck and is still tormenting you. I have some of those types of memories. Maybe we all do, I don't know.

What's an elliptical?

There's no getting around the fact that the incident with the woman and her son and daughter has triggered that memory for you. I haven't gone back to read through this thread and I don't recall - have you spoken with a therapist about your memory? I was having dreams almost every single night about an incident from my past. The dreams were disturbing me terribly. I didn't believe that there was any way to rid myself of the memory those dreams were repeatedly reminding me of. Then one day I wrote out the story of the entire memory, took what I'd written to a therapy session and read the whole thing to my therapist.

That was 5 weeks ago. I have not had the dream once since that therapy session. Not one time. I'm quite shocked - I certainly didn't believe that writing that memory down and reading it to my therapist would help one bit. But, go figure. What a relief!

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BirdieChaser
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Default Oct 17, 2022 at 09:08 PM
  #18
@Beth, an Elliptical is a type of Cardio exercise machine. It is similar to a treadmill, but also works your upper body when you walk/jog/run on it. I prefer it to a treadmill because I think they provide a better full body workout. I bought one in fall of 2020 so I could get an indoor cardio workout during the winter since the gym I go to was closed and then decided to sell it since I am now back at the gym and it was just taking up space and colleting dust.

I think the woman coming to pick-up the elliptical may have triggered the memory from my teens because I felt she was wasting my time like my mom did in the memory. I was planning to meet-up with friends to watch some football the afternoon they came to pick up my elliptical but was delayed meeting with them due to the woman picking up my elliptical. First she was late getting to my house to pick it up; then after her son and daughter got it loaded in her truck she kept asking me questions about the best workouts to do to get maximum weight loss and talking about how she was buying it so she and her daughter can lose some weight while being oblivious that I was trying to end the conversation and that her son and daughter were waiting in the truck cab for her; and then while she was trying to get the truck stated because she was blocking me in my driveway and I didn't want to leave them at my house. I think I had similar feelings during this that I had when I was in the middle of our truck that day when I was 15.

Also... thanks for the suggestion of writing the memory down @Beth. Once I get it all written down I may either share it in this thread or in a new thread. I have not spoken with a therapist about this memory, but may consider looking into working with one if I keep having trouble with it. I appreciate your letting me know that it has worked well for you.
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