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cklasik
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Default May 12, 2021 at 10:11 AM
  #1
There is a phenomenon I have observed in the recent years, that of very high control of one's automatic reactions, such as nodding, using certain phrases.

I seems that self-control is a way to build and maintain social status and to avoid falling for traps set by others.

Do you have similar observations? How to improve this self-control?
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Default May 12, 2021 at 01:51 PM
  #2
I find that not reacting also makes me feel better because I do not have the guilt and mixed feelings from letting anger take control.

I find mindfulness helps me. If interested search on youtube for Padraig O'Morain Follow your breath not your thoughts. It is all free and a short video.

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Default May 12, 2021 at 04:33 PM
  #3
i think i have thought about this too sometimes. i think self-control can be important even in terms of social skills. i don't think i am really good at that though even though i have tried sometimes i think. Are you currently seeing a therapist? Perhaps that may Help. i also agree with the wise and wonderful CANDC about trying to not react. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @cklasik, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default May 12, 2021 at 05:28 PM
  #4
My grandma used to say, “Count to ten.” Very wise words. I have often felt so much better from withholding a response, rather than blurting something out that I regretted.

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Default May 12, 2021 at 06:30 PM
  #5
How about when being a new employee at a workplace setting in which you are naturally bound by more conventions, a charity organisation full of psychologists playing around with ericksonian hypnotic patterns having you sat before the laptop camera and watched by several people on MS Teams, saying things that get you off balance (having found what they are), entangling with double binds and interrogating about your personal life, threatening degradation and all that in an underspoken way?
Ah, and instilling a sense of guilt about your being so reserved - another layer of double bind, isn't it?

And if something turns out to hurt you, days later everyone seems to know and hit your buttons with a grin on the face.

It is all over now because I resigned but what worries me is that the next workplaces might be the same. Is it a matter of developing skills or of either managing to win the support of powerful allies soon enough or evacuating yourself as soon as this starts to escalate?

Something inherently disturbing about the natural learning process in such places: "sticks" used as a 'no', as a hello and as a pastime.

Long ago, I read that even animals, I think chimps, might go nuts if presented with an exercise of telling a circle from an ellipse in case the elipse starts being indiscernable from circle, so confused feedback is a serious burden to the nervous system. Now, how about being given a finger or sent other signals of disdain or hostility in ways that were meant to be just below the radar? Scratching their cheek with a middle finger, pointing to their temple while saying 'it is about wit', etc.

Is it this type of context which requires psychopathic indifference, otherwise unlearnable?

I appreciate what you suggest about counting to ten, possibly, breathing, practising mindfulness, but when faced with mental thugs, you are in battles to be lost - not in sparring, while at home, the situation is incomparable. Thus, there is no way to prepare for such challenges, perhaps except for paying to some person with such destructive skillset to teach you to defend yourself - or rather to not react because you can't defend yourself at a workplace when what you say or don't say gets reported and used against you.

Thanks for your answers.

Last edited by cklasik; May 12, 2021 at 07:54 PM..
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