Keeping A Criticizing Friend?

I've had a friend for a few years and lately I have been wanting to let him go. But then we talk it over and I end up taking him back. He's the only friend I have and it's hard for me to make new friends, which is difficult to replace him like I had wanted to. The problem with him is that he criticizes constantly.

Lots of times lately when I talk to him about general things he manages to find something to be negative about. It would be about things I'm proposing to do in the future. But mostly he criticizes my persona; the way I am as a person. I'm introverted and he's not. So we clash a lot about how I've handled things with other people. Whenever I have something to say that's critical for him, and I think it would do him some good, he gets defensive. There are many nights I can't sleep well because I'm thinking about what he said and it had upset me.

I know it's good to hear from others as to what we'd be doing that's wrong, and we're not perfect. But with him, it's very constant. With me, whenever I get into conversations with others, I avoid being directly critical with them. There had been times I have done it, but not very often.

Just recently I spoke to him and he said that he wants to hang on as long as possible. But he does not want to do away with criticizing me. I prefer to hang on to him if he could not be so critical. I understand I may need to hear some of it. I am sensitive to personal criticizing.

Is he correct that I should hang on to him without him criticizing? I prefer not to, but he's all that I have. I've had other friends in the past and they didn't criticize me nearly as much as he has.

i think your feelings are totally valid and that you should let him know that these comments are bothering you. If he's a true Friend Hopefully he Will stop these comments. There's nothing wrong in giving advice but i don't think it's fair to judge other people's personalities or Lifestyle. i'd say definitely talk to him about this. Perhaps it may alwos be worth expanding your social circle so that you won't depend on just a friend for support. Do you have a Family? i think having a Support System can be really important. Please do not give up and So Sorry you're Going through this. Please do keep us updated if you want to. Stay Safe. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @will19, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I know the feeling of not wanting to let go since there's no one else. However, if that person, even after honestly telling him your feelings, still continues to make you feel bad, I'd consider letting him go. It's hard so take your time to think about it. Try to imagine what life without him would be like. Which is worse, being with him and being criticized or being alone but at peace? In my case, I chose the latter one after thinking for a long long time. I got hurt so many times before I let go. Now, I'm better off without him.

I think I would let him go especially as his criticisms are disturbing your sleep. Also if he is defensive when you criticise him.... I wonder if you could give some more examples. He sounds like a former friend (?) of mine. I am also an introvert and the former acquaintance (this person was too mean for me to think of them as a friend) was a little more of an extrovert. Are his criticisms ever constructive or always destructive? This person I used to associate with was always destructive with his criticism.

I might say to him, when you criticize me, it makes me feel bad. Is that how you want me to feel? People who critiicize are very insecure.

Do you think he do that to make you improving yourself? Do you see any good intention from him?

Most of the times, the people who criticize me have their head above the clouds. Their criticisms mostly irrelevant and it's obvious they try to let me down. However, there was once a "different" girl. She was, like the others, criticized me a lot. However, I could see her good intentions and yes, her comments did improve me.

The good criticism will feel different. It's annoying, but it will make you think, "that makes sense," instead of make you feel down. That's how I feel when I heard her.

Quote: "Is he correct that I should hang on to him without him criticizing?"

I felt like that sentence was in a slight error. It should have said "with" instead of "without". Sorry about that! Because he told me that he wants to hang on to me but does not want to stop criticizing. I was upset at myself when I read that sentence and it was too late to correct it.

Well, anyways, I want to thank all those who have replied to me so far and I gave you all "thumbs up" or a"thanks for saying that". It touched me with your replies.

To set a record straight (I forgot to mention it on my original post), he's old (86) and not in the best condition. He can hardly see (almost legally blind), can't hear well (has hearing aids), and cannot walk well. He told me one time that he's depressed because of his conditions. He used to be able to get around very well until recently. It would make sense that he's being critical because he's just not that well. He's probably envious with me being able to get around with ease and that he wished he could be like that, like he used to.

Please don't take what I write below personally as it's merely to learn more information about your friendship with this 86 year old man. I can't advise you without first asking for more information that I believe will help me see the big picture.

1. Who befriended who? How did you two become friends?
2. Are you friends with him because he is "safe" emotionally and psychologically for you? That is to say, b/c he is elderly with his health problems, so he cannot really "hurt" you other than his criticisms?
3. What is mutually beneficial for him and you about being friends with each other? How do you each bring something positive to the other person in this friendship? What do you offer him? What does he offer you? Why are you two friends?
4. What would happen if you ended your friendship with him? What would happen to you emotionally? Psychologically? Would you have anxiety? Would you view yourself friendless? Is he your only friend?
5. Have you ever asked him why he criticizes you? Have you ever set up the boundary with him, that you will leave as soon as he starts to insult and criticize you? Or do you stay with him while he's mean to you and enable his behavior with silence?

I think this is a situation reflecting your choice of no boundaries with a man who is clearly toxic to your well being. You have not written how he improves your life, as much as you've written about how he hurts your feelings.

You claim you will not end the friendship with him despite his criticisms of you. Knowing that, I don't think it's advice that you want. I think you just needed to vent here about it, which is totally fine. Next time, just write "vent" in your post title.

Hi, Will, maybe you could join a social group, or charity, or church?

1) He befriended me first. We met at a church I was going to (I longer go there). He wasn't something I was looking for in a friend, being older than me, but I was friendless at that time. This happened about 10 years ago.

2) I've known him for a while and he knows me. At first, he was in better shape than he is now plus he wasn't as critical. He was a little bit at that time but not nearly as much as now.

3) I guess it's because, between the two of us, we are all that we have for each other. There's no one else like me in his life, though he has a few casual friends. He's all that I have, but I have a few distant friends. The biggest benefit to me in his friendship is when I feel like I'm in trouble, he can comfort me. Lately I've had some concerns that are too hard for me to deal with alone such as health and financial. He has given some good advice for me.

4) I have split up with him a few times, but we take each other back. He calls and says that he misses me a whole lot. And then I have had some difficulties so he seems to be the only one to turn to for it. Although I will have to say that, during the times when we had split up, I was able to sleep better.

5) The answer to that one is because he feels like he's trying to make me a better person. He's trying to be like a "Dad" with me, I guess. He has a son and daughter who are far away from him. So maybe he wants someone to be like a Dad to. I have hollered at him quite a few times and really got mad with him. I've told him many times that I don't like him criticizing and what he had said offended me. But he doesn't get it and recently he told me that he refuses to stop the criticizing.

Overall, I want to replace him but it's been difficult for me to make that happen. I don't make friends very easily and I've done all of the "getting out there to meet others" and it didn't work for me. So I hope the question has been answered. This is very difficult for me.

Thank you for answering my questions, Will. Now that I have the full picture, it makes sense why you keep your friendship with him.

I think you can keep his friendship as long as you practice your boundaries with him and maintain those boundaries. You don't have to take a break from him, but you can just verbally warn him when he crosses the line with you, that the consequence is, you will leave and not talk to him or something like that, until he stops his dad advice.

I think he's definitely projecting his existing fatherhood with his distant children, on to you, b/c you let him do it. So, you fulfill his need to father a younger person since his two children live far away from him.

And since you had a bad relationship with your father, he sort of acts like a replacement. Correct?

I've been where you are with the Meetups etc. and it's no picnic. People are a pain. So I understand your dilemma. I hope that you can figure out a solution for you both that has a positive outcome.

Thanks for your reply. I have told him how I feel about the criticizing and have let him go because of it. But then he says that he doesn't want to stop the criticizing. If I can have another good friend or more, I would let him go entirely. But that's like an impossible dream for me right now. With him it's either that I keep him and put up with the criticizing or let him go and be all alone. There's no coming half way on this because he's a stubborn old man. Maybe I'm just repeating myself over again, but I hope I've made a clear point on what's going on.

This morning I called him for advice about what to do and he was very helpful and I enjoyed talking to him. But then he brought something else up near the end and it wasn't something I wanted to talk about. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it. He wouldn't back off. But then I had the final word and he hung up on me.

He doesn't criticize a whole lot, just occasionally. Sometimes I'm a bit lenient on him because I'm trying to understand that he's not well and perhaps he feels somewhat bitter about it. I know it's not a good thing for me to do; and I stand my ground when he gets carried away. Like I've said before, I would want to get rid of him if I could, but I have a fear of "burning my bridge" since he's all that I got. I don't like it this way, but that's the way it is for now.