Paralyzed with fear

Just like I sensed a few months ago when I started battling with depression symptoms, I feel as if the world is going to hell once again. So first it’s been some tension with my parents over my different bedtime routine I keep from them and increasing pressure to find a job. All the while when it seems like even with my education I don’t have the skills or attitude necessary to even hold down a decent part time job. This is when I have held so few jobs and have had so little experience that I don’t even know how demanding a job is or how much training I will get. I want to see friends to help improve my mental health but im meeting resistance when it comes to getting together with this closer friend out of state, because my parents are being selfish in not wanting me to do that trip but go on a family trip, where the last few have been rife with unnecessary problems and drama. All while I just want some time to myself after nearly a year of unchanging scenery and being with my folks, whom I still love but I’m increasingly getting tired of being around them constantly.

Just when I thought I was safe from the pandemic having shots of Moderna, the CDC changes their masking rules to where if you don’t follow their rules then you’ll either get sick or die. I’m left in a panic because even though grandma is vaccinated with Pfizer, I worry about infecting her. This was the case in all of 2020 for me, when continued isolation and fear of even seeing friends to avoid possible exposure has made me more crazy. Now all these steps I’ve been taking in order to see friends again and return to normal are going down the drain, again just like 2020.

So it looks like the most important lesson I’ve learned that the only way to go through life is to be very afraid and be constantly disappointed in others who say they have good intentions but are either annoying or turn out to be toxic.

I wish there was some advice I could give you. Some of what you wrote sounds familiar to my current situation and I know how tiring it all can be to deal with. I understand.

The only thing I might offer is, what could you do today to make today a tiny bit better? It doesn't need to make your day the greatest ever, just better than yesterday. Maybe some new food to try, or going some place you've always wanted to go, or maybe just 5 minutes alone outside. All any of us have is today. I think if the pandemic has taught us anything it's that there is no guarantee of tomorrow. So trying to make today better is probably a better use of your energy. I struggle with this too, so I know it's not easy. But might be worth a try.

Sorry that you're feeling this way. I do understand feeling paralyzed by fear. It's exhausting. I do wish you good luck though.

So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i agree with the wise and wonderful AgentQ9A about partly relating to what you wrote here. i am fraid i don't have much to suggest but i agree about trying out something small to at least lift your mood. i Hope you'll be able to get everything sorted out. Are you currently seeing any therapist? Please do update us if possible if you want to. Love. i care about you and i think i am not the only one either. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @DazedandConfused254, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thank you so much for your insightful reply @AgentQ9A!! This is what I need to see, as it seems like I often get lonely with otherwise common thoughts because I get inside my head so much. I've been doing a few things to make me happy, like spending more time with friends instead of being cooped up at home all the time, and I went to the big city to see a friend even when COVID cases were increasing. But we stayed safe and it was just what I needed. I think that the most interesting thing you bring up though is your perspective, since it hits the nail on the head for me right now. I get too involved in a nasty tangle of "What if"s that eventually just makes me even more mentally absent in the moment.

@MickeyCheeky Thank you so much for having my back as you always seem to do! I just need to do like you guys have said, take pleasure even in the smallest things. I have just started seeing a counselor, thank goodness, and it looks like he is what I've needed for years. I care about you too and I am grateful to know someone like you who does!

Great answer! Well explained by Agentq9A