advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
stahrgeyzer
Magnate
stahrgeyzer has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2018
Location: southern california
Posts: 2,238
5 yr Member
5,559 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Trig May 11, 2022 at 11:10 PM
  #1
I was hoping someone would relate and offer ways to help but honestly I have no hope. Where to begin. Sorry if this seems like I'm rambling. I'm not even sure where to post this.

For the past decade I've struggled with reality. I feel 100% that I'm stuck in a dream and that nobody is real. It's getting worse over time and has led me to
Possible trigger:
Now it's to the point where I believe some higher force is experimenting on me.

In Los Angeles my first T, clinical psychologist, diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder. My psychiatrist spent several months trying to verify the diagnoses and eventually said I didn't have SD. That psychiatrist was too expensive so I found another one who diagnosed me borderline personality disorder.

One day I nearly ended my life because of my psychologist, and was forced to a psych ward. After getting out I was forced to find another T, T #2, who also was clinical psychologist, who sent me to a specialist for a possible dissociative diagnoses. He diagnosed me with DID. T #2 eventually diagnosed me with

"Schizoaffective Disorder. In addition, a provisional diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder and Other Specified Personality Disorder with Borderline, Schizotypal, and Avoidant Features."

I asked her what about my DID diagnoses. Her reply was, "The DID diagnosis is unclear to me." By that time I was feeling so suicidal every day. None of my Ts and the meds were helping me so I decided to go to the forest to end my life but somehow I ended up driving from Cali to Missouri to be with my parents and a lot of relatives.

So everything here is so much better in terms of hardship. I'm no longer living in a horrible airbnb, I have a roommate in a townhouse, I'm working on my projects that I love (or used to love), I visit my parents and relatives at least once a week... but still I can't seem to get away from believing 100% that I'm completely alone stuck in a dream, my parents aren't real, nobody is real, nothing is real.

I thought for sure that my depression and SI would end because there's no more hardship, but it hasn't. I still have weekly insane cycles where it's like I change into a completely different person and become so self destructive. I feel so fatigue throughout the day that I have to sleep 2 to 3 times during the day even though I sleep about 8 to 10 hours at night. I just can't seem to snap out of this deep feeling that I'm all alone and that everyone who meant everything to me during childhood and my whole life aren't real. It gives me an overwhelming feeling that life is pointless, has no meaning. Even my projects that used to mean the world to me are meaningless.

Lately I'm feeling so different like my head is going to explode and becoming so dissociative that I almost got in a car accident today. I find myself standing in stores daydreaming or something in my own world. Eventually someone in the store snaps me out of it. Sometimes they look at me as if I'm an alien. I think the dissociation might be because life is so painful and depression is horrible.

People might suggest seeing a T and pDoc, but I did that for years without help. I wished more than anything there is a way to be normal.

Last edited by CANDC; May 12, 2022 at 10:47 AM.. Reason: add trigger code and remove references to methods of ending life
stahrgeyzer is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Breaking Dawn, Photonate, Skeezyks, SlumberKitty, unaluna, Yaowen
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, Photonate, unaluna

advertisement
Skeezyks
Disreputable Old Troll
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
17.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile May 12, 2022 at 02:42 PM
  #2
Thank you for posting this. I'm sorry you are having so much difficulty. I can relate to quite a few aspects of your post (even if to a somewhat lesser degree.)

You wrote you hoped someone might offer some ways to help; and unfortunately that's probably not going to be me. In my own case I've simply come to the point where I've decided things are as they are and that's the way it is. I've given up trying to find solutions for my own mental health problems. It's cold comfort, I guess. But there is also a certain serenity in simply no longer fighting it. Perhaps it's easier for me because I'm old and don't have all that many more years left to worry about.

There are a few little things that seem to help me day-in and day-out. Routine is very important to me. I basically do the same things, in the same order every day (with the occasional necessary exception.) I don't have a formal meditation practice. But I pay attention to my thoughts and feelings as the minutes, hours and days pass; and I try to take note of things I find disturbing or that seem to aggravate my anxiety level (which I at least believe is at the root of depersonalization / derealization.) And as I identify things that tend to aggravate my anxiety level, I make a point of avoiding them as much as possible. For example, watching or reading the news is one thing that aggravates my anxiety level. So I minimize the amount of news I expose myself to. I also allow myself to indulge in practices that others might find... shall we say... a bit weird but that comfort me. (I have actively self-harmed in the past.) They're practices that don't harm me. But they are, for me, something akin to grounding techniques. (I'll spare you the details.) I also listen to a lot of very calm quiet music... never anything loud and boisterous nor do I watch TV shows or movies that contain gratuitous violence. (If I start watching a show where gratuitous violence shows up unexpectedly, I turn it off. (I'm also on 2 mg. per day of Clonazepam, by the way.)

I don't have a formal diagnosis although I've been kicking around the mental health system where I live for over 20 years now. And, over time, I've come to believe that mental health diagnoses are simply the opinions of the particular mental health professionals one happens to see. And if one sees 3 mental health professionals one is likely to get at least 4 different diagnoses(!)... because they're just personal opinions based on what each mental health professional happens to know about you; which probably isn't all that much when compared with the totality of one's life experience. So, as a result, I personally don't put much stock in mental health professionals. I guess they are sometimes helpful to some people... perhaps even critical in some cases. But whenever I suggest someone here on MSF see a mental health professional, I always have this little voice in the back of my head that tells me: "a lotta good that'll do.) I do see a psychiatrist for about 5 or 10 minutes every three months or so simply for medications management.

Anyway... probably nothing I've written here is going to be of much help. Perhaps other MSF members will have beneficial suggestions to share. But I do hope that, in some way, you can find a path to inner peace. My best wishes to you...

__________________
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Breaking Dawn, Photonate, stahrgeyzer, unaluna
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, Breaking Dawn, Photonate, stahrgeyzer, unaluna
stahrgeyzer
Magnate
stahrgeyzer has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2018
Location: southern california
Posts: 2,238
5 yr Member
5,559 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 13, 2022 at 07:33 AM
  #3
All of my different diagnoses has been upsetting. I always wondered if it's just me and being too difficult to diagnose. Only one T actually used the DSM 5. It's so complex and massive, it seems unlikely anyone could remember it. Why most Ts and psychiatrist don't go through the DSM for every diagnoses seems odd. I always wanted to know what my problem was but instead walked away with even more confusion.
stahrgeyzer is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Breaking Dawn, Photonate
 
Thanks for this!
Photonate
RockyRoad007
Member
RockyRoad007 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Canada
Posts: 153
3 yr Member
3 hugs
given
Default May 13, 2022 at 04:37 PM
  #4
There are spiritual paths that look at the world as nothing but a dream.
If that calls to you, it might be interesting to delve into that. See if it resonates and if it does make it work for you rather than against you.

There are lots of books and youtube videos on this. Search in google "The world is a dream" as a starter.
To me it sounds like you might also be a "Highly Sensitive Person" or highly empathic.
That's what I am, and I feel things very very deeply. Made my life difficult and painful, but once you understand it, there are many ways for it to enrich your world, rather than to harm you.

If this is the case, no psych professional will ever be able to help you, as most just stick to the mind and emotions, and not the whole person (including the spiritual aspect of you).

If I'm way off track, just ignore this post. I'm simply coming from my own experience with mental health care and how my life changed hugely once I found the spiritual path that worked for me.
RockyRoad007 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Breaking Dawn, Photonate, stahrgeyzer
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, Breaking Dawn, Photonate, stahrgeyzer
stahrgeyzer
Magnate
stahrgeyzer has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2018
Location: southern california
Posts: 2,238
5 yr Member
5,559 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 13, 2022 at 07:13 PM
  #5
It's horrible believing I'm stuck in a dream alone. I wish there was an experiment or some way to prove you're real. In my mind I'm just speaking to the creator of my reality.


Being around other people is very difficult. It's like being around another species that's not very nice to other lifeforms, but still I would like to know how to make that a plus rather than a negative.
stahrgeyzer is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Breaking Dawn, Photonate
 
Thanks for this!
Photonate
*Beth*
catches the flowers
*Beth* is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind, body, spirit.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
23.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 14, 2022 at 06:48 PM
  #6
You are not alone. I also live in a dream, and I am extremely dissociative. I'm dx'ed with bipolar disorder and CPTSD. And who knows what else. Who cares what their book says; it's all about the individual's interpretation.

Also extremely sensitive, perceptive, I'm a tetrachromat. It's definitely my own world, like being high all the time on a psychedelic (but I'm not). Medication helps keep me stable in a certain way, but therapy is essential.

Generally, the type of perception we have may be genetic in part - but it is almost always triggered, or set off, by extreme and/or chronic childhood abuse, or some type of severely damaging experience. Sometimes a very bad physical illness, especially during childhood.

But please believe me - you are not alone. Maybe we are God's chosen children. Who knows.

__________________




*Beth* is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Breaking Dawn, Photonate, stahrgeyzer
 
Thanks for this!
Breaking Dawn, Photonate, stahrgeyzer
stahrgeyzer
Magnate
stahrgeyzer has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2018
Location: southern california
Posts: 2,238
5 yr Member
5,559 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 15, 2022 at 11:33 AM
  #7
It helps when people say I'm not alone. Sometimes it feels like I drift through different realities. Maybe sometimes I'm in a dream reality and sometimes in a reality where others exist.


Tetrachromat sounds amazing. It reminds me of superhuman movies like x-men where some humans have evolved. Maybe one day all humans will be tetrachromat.

I've had people say we're chosen ones. Sometimes an inner person/voice will tell me I have an important mission ahead when times on Earth become like the biblical end days but I push the inner people away. Although I have to admit that it feels heavenly thinking about being on some important mission helping people in times of war and famine. I see this image in my mind of walking down city streets that are devastated, buildings fallen all over the place, people in need of help every where. I know that already exists in certain parts of the world like Ukraine. I hope not but maybe one day it will be like that where I live in the US. So far this life is painfully boring just waiting every second till it ends or sometime amazing happens or an angel rescues me.
stahrgeyzer is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Breaking Dawn, Photonate
 
Thanks for this!
Photonate
Photonate
Member
 
Photonate's Avatar
Photonate has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2019
Location: Lansing
Posts: 150
3 yr Member
111 hugs
given
Default May 21, 2022 at 12:21 PM
  #8
Hi stahrgeyzer (like the name by the way!) 🙂 I'm so sorry to hear you are going through and have been going through this type of thing for so long. I of course can't and am not going to say I can 100% relate and know exactly how you feel, because everybody is different and everybody's story and struggle is unique, but I can actually say I somewhat feel and have felt very similar things for a while myself. I wrote a lot, so I'll break it up into a couple parts you can skip through/to if you want.

1st being my own personal somewhat relatable story/experience explanation,

2nd being more about the inner workings of it and more details,

3rd being a short little snippet about how these types of thoughts and ideas are seen nowadays,

4th being the basic conclusion and a little bit of hopefully helpful advice/insight.

-----

1st Part:

I don't necessarily feel like I'm stuck in a dream, but I too contemplate and ponder the possibility that I am either some 'experiment' to an unseen higher force/forces (in this closed system/physical universe, or perhaps a just physically separate universe) for some gain to it/them - like a lab rat to humans - or even worse I'm just a plain and simple psychological and emotional torment subject to some unseen higher force/forces, but for no gain other than maybe just its/their 'entertainment'. Which has led me and resulted in the same behaviors such as attempting to end my own life.

It all started in my very late teen years, maybe ~8-9ish years ago. My whole younger life I was raised with religious beliefs, but around 18 years old or so my brother called me over to his computer one night to show me an article about a supernova - and it immeasurably changed my life and beliefs and I was hooked permanently. That article sparked and helped me discover my interest in things like astronomy, physics, science, cosmology and much more, and in turn philosophy/deep thinking type thoughts, really questioning the nature and essence of not just existence collectively, but especially my own. So this virtually erasing any previous religious beliefs I had, therein opened the door to endless possibilities for how I perceived the meaning, nature, origin and fate of (especially my) existence. I was like an open agent on the market.

So leaving out very specific details to keep it as short and simple as I can, my first 'schizophrenic' or 'delusional' idea/belief was that my mother's then boyfriend would cough 'at' and around me intentionally because I was smoking marijuana. Not too unreasonable or delusional. That then developed into thinking that pretty much any/everybody (especially family/friends) did the same thing. Still not super bad. Then I started noticing a pattern in the timing of the coughs. I noticed people's coughs were very commonly ironically and coincidentally connected with certain things I would do or not do, so that took the delusion a little deeper.

For a while the main delusion was to do with people coughing. It developed a bit deeper of course with a few more layers itself, but this, paired aside with the 'door opening' of my ideas/beliefs about my existence, led to a whole wide range of more thinking. Over a little more time, I started feeling this general same idea with the coughing, about pretty much my collective life and being. I really analyzed and payed attention to things like external events, in general but especially with other people more, and really started noticing the same types of patterns, mainly with irony and coincidental connection. The nature of a lot of things just weren't really 'consistent', or didn't really 'add up', and the way various things occurred or were, and the timing, and predictability, and other various factors like these, helped lead me to the feeling that there had to be something(s) or someone 'higher' as the driving force(s) behind them, because they just wouldn't occur out of complete random unorganized chance/probability.

-----

2nd Part:

So with my uncertainty and 'open door' and ideas/feelings at that point and philosophy/deep thinking and everything, I discovered something called the "solipsism problem". I already had more or less the same beliefs or ideas that solipsism entails, but discovering there was an 'official' concept about it really helped cement the idea. Very basically and as it is relevant to my point, the solipsism problem says that your own consciousness and existence is all that can be known to exist for you. Or in other words, you can only know for certain that you exist and are the only conscious being, and that your own consciousness is all that exists, and it is impossible to know for certain, let alone experience, any other being's consciousness.

Along with solipsism, there are also other theories, beliefs and ideas, such as panpsychism, pantheism, and mysticism that personally stick out for me. These aren't quite as relevant so I won't go into as much detail, but they do help contribute a little to various thoughts and ideas such as maybe (in accordance/paired with solipsism) I 'am' the universe/all that exists, (consciousness creates reality and existence, and if I'm the only conscious being...) or even more 'mentally ill/delusional' etc. I am or over universal extended time could be 'God' or similar. The last part isn't quite cemented for me and sounds very wonky, especially to pretty much any clinical professional like a psychologist or most therapists, but with some explanation and more details it is actually somewhat feasible at least.

So now with the idea and belief that I am, or very likely could be the only conscious sentient being (perhaps at least in this physical universe/system) it really changes a lot; especially with the paired idea that my existence/things, and (specifically/especially) in essence every other human being I have, do or will encounter and interact with, who appears and is said to be the same as me ('human') is actually not, and there's maybe just... more than meets the eye. It really portrays a certain level of... deceit, in my eyes.

If I had to settle on any one idea about the true nature, meaning and essence of my existence, other than just to simply linearly live then die, it would probably be either -

A) like I just explained, solipsism, mysticism, pantheism, panpsychism etc. If all these external events and types of things are true and occur intentionally purposefully as they appear - and the reason I'm conscious and question and ponder things - could be to mold me into something greater, or 'higher', so in essence for a good reason,

or

B) there could be a far more advanced and powerful, 'higher' (or unseen) driving force(s) or being(s), who created me into this physical world/system as the sort of 'lab rat' type idea I initially mentioned and you can understand/relate to; where they blandly put, emotionally and psychologically torment me through the matter of uncertainty and deceit when it comes to my existence, external events and especially/specifically other (seemingly just like me) 'humans' around me. But I've also come to develop the question as to whether or not even this could be solely for a negative reason (like simply put just for its/their own sick amusement). I've opened up to the idea/possibility that if this is true, maybe similar to A) it or they could be doing it for some (still unknown to me as I haven't quite figured it out yet) good, positive reason, for it/them or even also for me too. Maybe I could be its/their 'lab rat', so it/they can learn more and grow, and possibly even me learn and grow more too - and not inherently negatively just to torment me. Just like my signature quote says, we are/I am made of star stuff, the universe created me, I'm part of the universe; albeit a conscious, sentient, aware and... maybe somewhat intelligent part of the universe, maybe the universe created me and I exist so the universe can discover and learn about and grow itself.

-----
3rd Part:

Anyways. It's kind of sad and... disappointing, or off putting, I guess, to know that like I briefly mentioned, telling any of these types of things to pretty much any clinical professional like a psychologist or most therapists, will instantly get you labeled and diagnosed as 'mentally ill' and unstable and a crazy looney whack job, who just needs to be put on pills for the rest of your life because you have profound/deep thinking, which instantly makes it worse for you because it doesn't help how you feel about yourself. Just because a good ~95% of clinical professionals are oblivious to, just don't want or aren't interested in, or aren't capable of deep thinking, and things like philosophical questioning of being and existence and the universe, doesn't instantly mean everybody who does/is - let alone who suffers from it - is 'mentally ill' or a virus. In fact, I'm sure plenty of people nowadays, but especially back in way older days, would agree it is or should be the complete opposite; and it is simply inherently human nature to question and think such things. Afterall, we are as far as we currently know, the only conscious, aware, sentient intelligent beings in the entire universe, and that alone is deeply profound and inherently very easily raises some questions and thoughts. So, it's only human, and natural to think and wonder such things, not wrong, or bad.

-----
4th Part:

So with all this being said, what helps me among numerous other smaller unrelated things, and hopefully maybe you even a little, is mainly just simply the plain and simple matter of uncertainty about anything. You can't be literally, 100% certain of anything. Sure all the signs and data could point to what I feel and think being true, but that doesn't mean it 100% is.

They say "death and taxes are the only thing certain in life", but even that's not true, or 100% true. Sure it's very very (very) unlikely, illogical and improbable, but you could wake up tomorrow and there could be breaking news that the government is no longer charging taxes. Again, very very etc. unlikely, but it COULD, even .01% chance happen. And as for death, well 'death' is just as big of a mystery if not moreso than life, or the universe and existence. Nobody knows for certain 100% what happens when you die, nobody knows what death 'truly is' or entails, other than the idea of no longer -physically- breathing with your heart beating and having brain activity. That's what humans to the extent of our knowledge classify it as. So for all anybody knows, 'death' could be (and sadly honestly more likely than the taxes part...) anything but ceasing to exist and literal complete utter void emptiness of being, and could even be a 'gateway/door' or 'transition point' into a different existence (or in other words you might as well just say you know reincarnation, transformation etc. There are plenty of theories and thoughts on that too of course.)

So just plain and simply knowing that nothing is 100% certain, or the true nature and essence of anything can not be 100% certain, helps me hold onto the idea and hope that things (even when/if they are abysmally dark) can change for the better. Whether it seems 99.9% likely things aren't going to change and get better, or it's 99.9% likely or even 1% likely that I could wake up tomorrow and get the surprise of my life and things could change for the better, that's personally enough for me to keep going. I personally have managed to embrace, and find some comfort in the idea of uncertainty, and that no matter how abysmally black and bad things are or seem to permanently be, there can still be even a .00000000001% chance that tomorrow or in the next 60 seconds there could be a spark of light and change.

Paired with this, I also personally like to apply the good ol' "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" saying. While that's not quite 100% true, the moral of it is pretty helpful. If any of my beliefs collectively or marginally are true, then remaining alive and not giving up will likely ultimately only make me stronger; or if not, then at least personally for myself, satisfied and happy knowing I did and am doing my best and not giving up - literally, no matter how abysmally hellish hopeless and horrible things are or will be. That alone, knowing I did and continue to do my best, is and will always be a source of light, good and happiness.

And me collectively giving up, or harming myself, is not going to help anything, it is not going to produce anything good or positive, and it is not going to solve anything, for me personally. (Not to mention also what personally applies to and helps me is the idea that if my ideas and beliefs are true, then even if I did 'end my life', such 'higher' being(s) could just easily recreate me with the snap of a finger every time and 'ending my life' would be futile and pointless) Anybody harming themselves, or me harming myself may be/can be or has been a method of crying for help, or a way to truly express how horrible I/they feel, but it's not the only way, and me harming myself, will, of course, only harm me, read that again - it will only harm me, not help me, it will only harm me. So if you can not collectively give up and continue to do your best no matter what, then harming yourself, again, is not going to help in the long run/bigger picture, and is only going to be bad and cause harm.

-----

Again, anyways... Hopefully that long wall of text if you read it or any parts of it helped, even simply through knowing that others can relate even a little, and not only sympathize but empathize with you and express and extend care and even a little understanding. There are of course plenty other details, and things to be said about many things I mentioned, but for the sake of not writing a book for you or anyone else to read, I tried to keep it as simple and short as I could while still relevantly explaining things.

__________________
Feeling desperate
Photonate is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Breaking Dawn
 
Thanks for this!
Breaking Dawn
Breaking Dawn
Legendary
 
Breaking Dawn's Avatar
Breaking Dawn Thankful for my blessings.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 16,689 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
42.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 21, 2022 at 01:37 PM
  #9
I feel God's love. I have felt that since I was a small child. My church is within my heart. There are bad people in this world because we're not robots. We/they have free will. I feel messages from my personal ecosystem/body, & from the larger ecosytem/this Universe. I like to feel the love that's inside me. It feels like medicine. I have problems because I haven't learned how to fix myself. I'm a work in progress, as they say. I think the main problem for me is too much thinking & feeling. (I love to deep think endlessly.)

__________________
"Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot)

"Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller)

* * * * * *
Breaking Dawn is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:28 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.