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Default Oct 03, 2022 at 02:04 PM
  #1
A few years ago, back when DH started showing signs of a mental health problem, I began journaling as a way of dealing with my feelings.

I now have a lot of little journals built up. Most of what is in them is me venting frustration with our personal situation, but I also use the journals to make notes about strange or noteworthy things that DH does- part of a pattern watching process if you will. Because they do allow me to look back so effectively, I don't want to get rid of them, however there are a lot of them and I worry about keeping them private at this point.

I've been thinking about transcribing them to a file on my private cloud and then destroying the hard copies.

Anyhow, can anyone see any reason why it would be a bad idea to destroy the original journals? I can't see a place where they would be used for any sort of documentation, but because they do seem to relate to a significant series of events and are the documentation of a time line of mental health issues, I feel a little strange about just destroying them without thinking it through.

Thoughts?
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Default Oct 03, 2022 at 05:01 PM
  #2
I recently destroyed some of them,which were me venting about my experiences and abuse.I have had a habit of writing short stories using my own experiences with people around me(some of them were published by some magazines and newspapers).It was really therapeutic for me.I shredded those where I wrote more directly about events and people and I donot want anybody to read them accidentally. I have also shredded an entire script that I wanted to publish.It is a novel written using my life experiences, I didn't want to publish it anymore.So it hit the shredder.
Can you just consolidate the medical history for future reference and shred the more personal writings you want to keep private?
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Default Oct 03, 2022 at 10:25 PM
  #3
I had/have a similar problem. I feel better after physically writing on paper than I do typing, so all my journals are handwritten and filled half my closet and a storage box under my bed.

About 5 years ago, I started scanning my journals and notes. I can add tags to the scans to identify what it's about which helps when I want to find something I know I wrote about. Now, when I fill a journal, I scan it. I destroyed most of the originals but keep about a year of handwritten ones.

Most of my Journaling was anger processing and surviving abuse. The destruction of the journals was a cathartic moment for me when I first destroyed them (backyard fire pit). It was as if letting go of the journals was a symbolic letting go of pain even though I still have all the scans on a thumb drive (password protected and in a lock box).

I hope you find a solution that works for you.
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Default Oct 04, 2022 at 08:51 AM
  #4
Thank you for the feedback thus far.

Mendingmysoul, I've thought about just transcribing the things that might pertsin to a medical pattern, but there are also a lot of other things in there that I'm not sure I want to eliminate just yet. Maybe I'm not ready to let it go? I don't go over them often and try not to ruminate much, but I'm so tired so much of the time that it can be helpful to go back and essentially "talk to myself" if that makes sense. Last night I pulled out a random journal and there was an entry that dealt with not only something terrible that he did, but my reaction and having to put down a very strong boundary. I think it's probably beneficial to hang onto that so that I don't inadvertently tell myself that it wasn't as bad as it was. Isn't as bad as it still is.

RollercoasterLover, thanks for that idea. I hadn't thought about using a thumb drive and hiding that away. Like I eluded to just a moment ago, I'm really good at doubting myself, so I see a benefit to keeping the information long term, even if it's not looked at. Maybe it's good to have that option for peace of mind. I just really like the idea of not having the physical journals kicking around. I'm like you in that things flow through a pencil for me in a way they don't through a keyboard.

Thank you again for the ideas.
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Default Oct 04, 2022 at 04:25 PM
  #5
Maybe you are not ready to let it go.Not yet. I agree with you when you said that.I read my script ( the novel where the main character goes through my own experiences and feels what I felt) and while reading it I cried my eyes out and then I was ready to shred it.Like rollercoaster said it felt cathartic and I didn't regret destroying it .I was ready to let go of those memories I guess.Hope you will find a solution that suits you..Hugs.
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Default Oct 05, 2022 at 09:05 AM
  #6
Thanks again.

That's really amazing that you wrote a whole manuscript. Funny how we do outgrow those feelings and experiences. It's a nice place to be when you realize you've healed enough to move past something. I look forward to the day enough of this is behind me that I no longer feel the need to keep even digital copies.

I transcribed the first two little journals yesterday and shredded one. It was somewhat cathartic. There were some events in there that I didn't remember well (even though it was only 2-3 years ago) and was glad to have the documentation. It was also eye opening as to how many of his behaviors were already full blown at that time. It makes me concerned that maybe he was always that way to some extent and I candy coated it for years. At any rate, I think it's beneficial for my own sake to keep the documentation at this point, in a great many ways, it's extremely relevant as long as I'm dealing with that version of him, Kwim? It's not like it's going to be used against him in any way, but it's self supportive and can be used in my favor. The more I see the pattern, the less of a need I feel to engage in it with him.

It is sort of a relief to think about moving the physical copies out of the house. I just wanted to make sure someone didn't say, "no! Keep the originals for purpose xyz.". I couldn't see a reason to keep the paper copies, and it's kind of a relief to think about them not being there, especially since I'm at a point in life of wanting to minimize my personal possessions.
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Default Oct 05, 2022 at 02:57 PM
  #7
Yep,A whole manuscript. My life in fact looks like out of some Hollywood movie,Mystery,suspense, horror,violence, gore and really unbelievable just like a fiction. And the element of miracle too because I am alive.I survived all that.That is the miracle.When I ruminate I always wonder how did I survive all that? On the outside I am this productive, beautiful, energetic person.But inside?I am a shattered, broken and grief stricken person inside.No one has a clue about that.And I won't be able to tell anybody about what all I went through.Its just that unbelievable. Thus I got rid of my writings.
Only people who have gone through such experiences will understand. Now if you were to tell someone what you are going through,they may not get it.Here people get it.Many have gone through similar experiences. We understand each other.Hugs
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Default Oct 05, 2022 at 04:47 PM
  #8
Mendingmysoul, that sounds wild. You must be quite a survivor.

Do you often find that when you are journaling or story writing that the darndest things will come out? Like your subconscious mind is offering up gifts? Especially when I'm handwriting, but sometimes when typing, something will seemingly appear out of left field. Something I hadn't consciously thought about before, but from then on seems glaringly obvious? Writing in all forms is healing for me too.

Looking back at these old journals is kind of scary and reassuring too. His bad habits were already in effect before he had his Neuro surgery. Nothing has changed, if anything he has gotten worse. My attitude has changed a bit though. I've gone from a place of frustration and wanting to fix whatever was wrong with him to a place of frustration, but not wasting as much energy on his problems. It would be madness for me to keep trying to help him when it clearly doesn't help.
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Default Oct 05, 2022 at 09:15 PM
  #9
Yep,writing just flows freely with out much conscious effort.I donot journal anymore.But I scribble sometimes whatever memory comes and then tear my paper and flush it down the toilet.Over the years I have processed my resentment,rage and anger.They have subsided somewhat.Now I am dealing with sadness and grief. It is difficult to process that people who are supposed to love ,cherish and protect us,caused immense harm to us.
I understand when you say you have changed.But be careful,he may sense the change and may turn more hostile towards you.Narcs do not like it when they suspect we are onto them. When they know that we know that injures their fragile ego.
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Default Oct 07, 2022 at 12:09 PM
  #10
You sound very adept at the process of processing!

I have done some writing like that and immediately put it through the shredder. It's strange and amazing how putting it outside of yourself can be helpful, of course it has the tendency to come back a few times.

I am also struggling with coming to terms that people who were suppose to care for you, love you, and nurture you, may not do that. My mother was not nice. She said nice words then did very unnice things. I'm still trying to wrap my head around , and process, that she covertly worked against me in an intentional way.

Now, years later, the situation doesn't seem as different as I thought it was. Your warning is taken seriously. It's more that my perception and outlook have changed, but those do have the tendency to change other things.

((((Hugs))) to you.
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Default Oct 07, 2022 at 09:18 PM
  #11
I am sorry to hear that your mom was not nice.It has been baffling to me that a parent can do insidious stuff to their own child.As a child I used to think certain people's brains belong to a lab and some kind of anomaly should be discovered.Now as an adult I know about personality disorders and other clusters.I am thankful for the awareness I have now.A lot of my past experiences make sense now.Please take care of yourself.Hugs.
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