Persistent identity/role confusion in adulthood - seeking solutions

alpsych

Hello, I'm looking for advice regarding psychological help. I've struggled with persistent identity/role confusion in adult life and would like to address my problem in a focused way. Could you suggest approaches, modalities or programs that could be helpful with my situation? Any other advice or resources are most welcome. Thank you in advance.

Here are the details of my situation: Currently in my late 30s, I immigrated to English speaking Canada with my family at age 13. I come from an orthodox/post-communist Eastern European culture with a fairly closed mindset. Throughout my teens I had multiple challenges adjusting to life in North America (with language fluency, making friends, belonging, fitting in with peers, a permanent sense of being an imposter and outsider, etc) and often isolated myself as a way of coping. I continued my education up to the master's level and had a range of further options (law school, business degree, PhD admission). However I successively turned down these options and have not been able to make a career commitment. My relationship life follows a similar pattern of non-commitment and withdrawal. At around age 26 I left grad school and withdrew from active life, working/volunteering very little since then and relying on family for support. Difficult as it is to admit, I continue to live as a teenager into my late 30s. In spite of having competency in different areas, I struggle with a deep (at times overwhelming) confusion about my identity and place in the adult world.

I have seen multiple therapists and counselors with different approaches over the last decade (psychoanalytic, CBT, DBT, IFS, emotion focused, etc). Helpful and insightful as therapy has been, somehow we never fully addressed the root of my problem.

My own best guess as a lay person is that my development process stalled after age 13 due to my isolation and a strong sense of "otherness" living in a foreign country. I wasn't able to build a solid identity with reference to my peer group. As a result I did not develop the virtue of fidelity that would allow me to make stable commitments in life (please see table). Instead I fell into role confusion and could not develop further in life, struggling with isolation, stagnation and despair ever since.

Could you offer me any advice on how I can address my problem in a focused and consistent way? I am at a place where the pain of isolation and stagnation is unbearable. I'm willing to use the resources that I do have (competency, purpose, willpower, a basic hope in the future) to work on identity building and role clarity. However, I am not sure where to turn for the appropriate help. Is there an approach, modality or program that could address my specific type of problem? What specialty or focus should I look for in a potential therapist or psychologist? Could you recommend any resources (books, case studies, websites, groups, etc) that would help me learn more about my problem and make positive steps forward? Do you have any other recommendations or suggestions? Thanks again.

TheGal

Hello... I'm going to come back with some ideas later today most probably when I have more time to write.

In the meantime, you make reference to a "table" to look at, but I don't see any attachments to your post.

Nammu

Seems like you’ve covered the cognitive side of this, sounds like it’s time to stop chasing therapy and as Nike says,….just do it. Get out of your head and go to work, start adulting.

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Nammu
…Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …...
Desiderata Max Ehrmann

TheGal

Haha Nammu... if it were as simple as "just doing it" I'd be a multi-millionaire by now! "Just do it" is not unlike Nancy Reagan telling people to "Just say 'no' " [to drugs] without understanding the challenges of mental illness and addiction.


I'm betting OP isn't on here looking to be told something so unhelpful and reductive.

This is an opportunity to perhaps help someone and, in doing so, help ourselves.

What are the blocks you are facing, OP (and I'm asking myself the same) that prevent you from living the life you envision for yourself?

Or, are you too depressed to even envision a life different from what you are living?

Tell us more and, perhaps, post the table you mentioned.

Mendingmysoul

Very thought provoking thread. I have always felt like I donot have an identity myself.I call it identity crisis.I don't have any help to offer you, but will be reading what other posters have to say.I might find help for myself too.

eskielover

I will tell you, I had the drive to adult from a very young age & doubt that any circumstance I would have been put in could have stopped that drive. I had a drive to have a career & I didn't allow anyone (parents or husband who tried) to get in my way.

When I finally did leave my ex, the therapist we were seeing said he had the emotional maturity of a 13 year old at the age of 54.

What I am saying here is that internal drive is very hard to change. Maybe you didn't have that drive even before you made the move at 13. When we get stuck like that sometimes the only thing that helps is when we get fed up enough we have to force our own selves to take the steps to CHANGE.

And yes @The Gal, this applies to all addictions. Until we get fed up enough at where we are there is no incentive to do the work it takes to change. We have to have incentive & drive to change or it will never happen.

Even with a TBI, I have seen people who have had incentive & drive work hard at doing what is necessary to find their best healed potential while I have seen others satisfied to do nothing & complain.

__________________


Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this.
Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018

TheGal

I think there are certain people on this thread who aren't getting it.

It's doubtful we'll hear from OP again with the old pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps approach...

There is such a thing as listening without judging y'all.

Seeking to understand...

Getting better is a process, folks.

eskielover

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheGal I think there are certain people on this thread who aren't getting it. It's doubtful we'll hear from OP again with the old pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps approach... There is such a thing as listening without judging y'all. Seeking to understand... Getting better is a process, folks.

Thing is, if you don't have the internal drive to do something you never will & that includes getting better. You have to have the desire before any process can ever work

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Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this.
Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018

Fuzzybear

Hoping to hear from the OP again

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TheGal

Yes, I hope OP comes back as well. And there doesn't seem to be a lack of desire at all, as OP clearly states: "seeking solutions".

(FWIW, I've been without the driving force of desire myself and the medication really helped in my case!)

Not sure which avenue would be most helpful, but these are a few ideas that might help OP's quest:



Book: "On Shame and the Search for Identity" by Helen Merrell Lynd (try abebooks(dot)com or ebay, if not amazon)

Book: "Hero with a Thousand Faces" by Joseph Campbell

Research Carl Jung and the Shadow.

Types of therapy which might be helpful:
- Drama Therapy
- Gestalt Therapy
- EMDR
- EFT/tapping

I think OP connecting with art and literature is especially important, as is philosophy. And check out the culture of your native language as well, as well as travelling if it is safe to do so. Or checking out other internet forums in your native language.


I don't know whether you are in a major centre, but there is the New Acropolis for which more info can be found here: HOME

Also, this is a very interesting article: Existential Depression in Gifted Children - Sofo Archon


Hope to hear how you're getting along, OP.

Best wishes...

SquarePegGuy

Me too, but instead of language fluency I tended to speak in an odd pedantic manner. (I write this way, too, don't I? LOL) I think all teens experience these difficulties.

I work as an engineer. Sometimes I get into slump of low confidence, and I'm afraid to finalize a design / circuit / program. So I'll keep simulating it with different tools and refining it. Thankfully there are deadlines I have to meet; otherwise I might never commit to having it go into production.

We call this "analysis paralysis."

My impression is that you're stuck inside your own head with something similar. Like another poster wrote, "Just do it," which I'd translate as "set aside the analysis and begin taking action to connect to society."

Soupe du jour

Hello @alpsych. I'm sorry you're going through this. I, too, hope you stop back here to check in.

I am curious if you experienced any of the issues you describe BEFORE you moved to Canada as teen. Or if that didn't make a difference since at 13 you were still a kid, as opposed to now being well into your adulthood.

Though I am not qualified to diagnose, what came to my mind is the autism spectrum (milder type, like "formerly known as" Asperger Syndrome). You do not seem to have anything like Peter Pan Syndrome, in my view. I say Asperger Syndrome only because both of my nephews were diagnosed with it and the diagnoses for them were quite right. Autism spectrum disorders definitely require special therapeutic approaches that you likely have not received. In addition to autism issues, challenges like depression and anxiety may be co-occurring. You are clearly an intelligent person. My nephews have always had high intelligence and/or talents, as well, but also some disabilities. My eldest adult nephew (in his early 30s) still lives with my sister and is a bit dependent on her, but does currently have a job. My family lost my youngest nephew to co-occurring depression (when he was 24). My guess is that the latter never saw a future for himself and felt he'd always live with my sister and her husband. Sadly, neither received sufficient therapy for their autism. Neither ever really had any friends, though properly treated people on the low end of the autism spectrum certainly can. Plus even marriage and kids.

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Dx: Bipolar type 1

Psych Medications:
* Tegretol XR 800 mg
* Lamotrigine 125 mg
* Quetiapine ER 400 mg
* Quetiapine IR 200 mg
* Pregabalin 100 mg

SquarePegGuy

Your response was very thoughtful, @Soupe du jour. I became very knowledgeable about Autism and Asperger Syndrome while my daughter was undergoing evaluation for it. (She was diagnosed with mild autism eventually.) And I wonder if I would have been diagnosed with it too if DSM IV and awareness were present when I was a boy. I found the OASIS support group almost as helpful for myself as for her. And some of the parents there said they felt they were either ADHD or on the spectrum themselves.

TheGal

I came across Erik Erikson's work and this thread came to my mind.

Here is an interesting article:

Are You Going Through an Identity Crisis? Here'''s How to Know

divine1966

Come back! It looks like you only logged on once. I have some thoughts to share due to similar experience with immigration (people with no experience of immigration could not possibly relate-mental, emotional and identity crisis impact is overwhelming and life long lasting) . I hope you log in again so we can talk. Hugs.