Social Events and Panic

How do you cope in social situations? My sister is happily married with 2 kids and has a normal life, whearas im divorced, on a disability penson and doing it tough financially.

I dont have a parter, no friends or kids. Im totally all alone. In social situations i feel awkward and dont know what to say or do. Family consist of sisters husbands family so to me they are simply aquaitances. I try to engage myself and act like im interested about the things they talk about but i cant relate.

I live in a different world to them. I suffer from severe panic attacks and have intrusive thoughts. I dont hear voices. I have thoughts from my disfunctional childhood that that wont go away. I could be fine one minitue and next minute i get those intrusive thoughts. going through my mind.

I try to ignore the thoughts but they get worse. Im 61 years old and im so tired of being this. I should be able to handle my emotions and \because i cant i beat myself up for being this way. Im never good enough. Im the weird one in the family.

Sis is the golden child. I just want to forget all this rubbish and be a normal and fuctioning person who doesnt let these thoughts take over my life. It seems easy for everyone because its just a case of me controlling my thoughts. I should have the power to control my thoughts. Everyone think i can snap out of it. I wish I could. Its not as easy as that. I just want to be normal. I dont want pity or being judged.

I really nead to get of my head and do things, connect with people and have friends. Anything to distract myself to stop living inside my head.

@LizzieVale I am sorry you feel social situations are challenging. That must be rough.

I also find social situations challenging because I try to think of what will be an appropriate response. What does help me is to think in my mind what I would say if I saw this person posting on MSF this site and so I speak what I would normally write. It was awkward at first but it eventually comes more natural.

I think trying to control your thoughts is a way to get upset. Rather than do that I practice turning my attention to other things around me or my breathing or something else. The more I practice concentrating the less intrusive thoughts bother me.

As far as sisters and brothers go I am not the same as them and accepting that has saved me a lot of grief. I have qualities they do not have and they do not seem to value those so I had to stop comparing myself to them.

That in itself does not make the financial challenges go away but accepting myself means I judge myself less and I am more content living my life just as I am.

If you can do any kind of volunteer work, that might help in a couple of areas like getting practice in social situations without a big risk and could possibly lead to a part time paid position. If leaving the house is not possible, there are places like MSF that offer opportunities to support others. @CANDC

Thank you for your reply CANDC

Yes, the more i fight those thoughts the more power I give them. The more i stay at home the worse I become. Its such an effort getting through the day. I dread waking up in the morning especially if i have appointments to attend. I feel overwhelmed.

I dont drive which means i need to ask for help. I dont like depending on other people. If I can do something myself I would do it in a heartbeat.

I have physical disabilities such back pain and walking so part of my fear is centered around chronic pain. This scares me. Had a spinal fushion 6 years ago and pain in my back is coming back. The thought terrofies me beause before my surgery I was living in total hell. Sciatic pain is one of the worst ways to live. I have told doctors and physios about the pain but i feel they dismiss me beacuse I have mental issues.

If only I could walk without pain I would feel so much more independant and not feel as though Im living in a prison cell. My independance means everything to me. Just knowing that i can come and go as i please would make life 100% more bearable. Would distract the thoughts even for a short amount of time and make me feel as though i have acheived something on my own.

I have living here for around 18 months and there are no shops or facilies within walking distance so i have to catch buses. Where i was living previously was a 5 min walk to shops and facilites. Life was more bearable and i had independance.

I was forced to move beause the owner sold unit to owner occupiers. Had no choice but to move and find someplace to live. So i bought into a retirement village. Had the situaton not been so rushed and been able to take my time time to look around properly I would not have moved here. But due to the real threat of being homeless I had no choice but to move.

Before living here i had a few friends and my i could manage my thoughts and feelings better than living here. I hated this place for a good 12 months because i was so isolated but then I realised that I cant change the situation so i will have to find a way of making my life more livable. I started catching buses and was doing well but now the back pain has returned and i feel helpless again.

My thoughts are all over the place, the intrusive thoughts and the very real prospect of pain returning terrofies me.

I guess the fear of not being able to walk and relying on people makes me feel panicked. So i guess the intrusive thoughts go hand in hand with the very real threat of not being able to walk.

So im torn by wanting to go out and being afraid to go out because of the pain. I feel so so very angry because I had the courage to go out and step outside my comfort zone and now im back to square one.

Update
I felt so bored and alone at unit that threw caution to the wind and caught the bus to local shops. I am in some pain and sitting on bench. I wanted to prove that I can do it despite having those stupid internal thought in my head. At least I am in a social situation and not all alone ar the unit with my dear sweet little kitty. I love her so much she is the best thing i have in my life. Anyhow i have 3 weeks to get myself in a good mindset cos I got nieces birthday in few weeks time. It's a cocktail party, loud music, DJ, dancing, engaging in mindless small talk with people that I hardly know. Have never been to a cocktail party so I don't know what to expect i am trying to find strategies that i can use to help me cope.

So I take the approach that there are some social gatherings I like & others I don't. It is not manditory to like every social situation you are presented with an opportunity to attend & it doesn't mean you aren't social because you don't like some & don't enjoy yourself at the ones you don't like.

I hate crowds so I will not go to social events that involve crowds unless I can have my only little space with a small group at the event. I also hate socializing at bars. People get stupid when they drink too much & I just don't like being around people like that. I have friends that do this & I just don't socialize with them at places like that. There is nothing wrong with being selective in the social events you attend. Go to ones you are comfortable going to & you will have a lot more fun

Good post. I don't think trying to ''control'' our thoughts is helpful. A bad and archaic way to ''cope'' with intrusive thoughts (but was offered to me, thanks to that..... snake/other snakes)

My FOO don't value me. They aren't better than me in fact they are so lacking in empathy and kindness that they are ...... not the ''best'' people they seem to think they are.

I also think volunteer work could be helpful, even posting on MSF (or elsewhere) offering support as CANDC mentioned.

You're ok, AS IS

(FOO - abusive ''family'' of origin)

I agree with Eskielover that not enjoying social events with people you don't like and who don't appreciate you doesn't make you in any way ''defective'' or unsociable.

Quote:

I agree with Eskielover that not enjoying social events with people you don't like and who don't appreciate you doesn't make you in any way ''defective'' or unsociable.

You can even like the people but not like the kind of social events they go to & that is OK too. Being selective is always ok. No reason to "toletate" things you don't like. It took me until late in life to figure this out. I would just go with friends to places I really didn't like just to go. Now I don't & I am totally ok with whatever I choose

Thank you for your replies,
I did attend the social do and actually had a nice time. Thats a fantstic acheivement and I extremely proud of myself.