[SophiaFlying]

Lately I have been doing some hard work with my psychotherapist. My problems are the following: the difficult stuff we talk about makes me paranoid, like he is trying to persuade me to cut my parents out of my life and my boyfriend. Of both he has said no he isn't doing this. I am paranoid that he is lying and just wants me to do this and get it over with. He is from a strong object relations background, i.e. psychotherapy/family of origin issues-he will not deviate.
I have BPD and know about its etiology. I almost accept I should sever my ties with my family, but I would rather develop the coping mechanisms to deal with them; internally they are not ALL bad, sometimes I think they are trying to hurt me, even kill me literally and metaphorically (my mother seems to enjoy confusing me?-is this paranoia) (they gave me a car once that sped up on its own and when this happened the brakes locked...luckily when this finally occurred, going 90 mph I landed in a snow bank, but it did leave me wondering andshortly afterwards I moved 3,500mi away to CA. My parents say I wanted a car so that what they had to offer me.
My Dad writes me shorts notes telling me he loves me and actually was a pretty good dad, although, not sexually, but in other icky ways (was his confidant and emotional caretaker) which I have come to see in therapy he really had no business acting this way with a child.
There is a DBT therapist in the clinic, but I would have to drive very far in the snow and ice as I live in the mts. Currently my therapist comes to my small town once a week, so right now my weekly therapy is down the street though same clinic. I very much need to use my skills and my diary cards. I do not know how to approach him about using them as he states he isnt trained in DBT, which is an ethical response.
Anyway, I do not know what to do. I cannot afford an DBT online service. And my paranoia is getting in the way of my healthy & unhealthy relationships. I am only slightly suspicious of my boyfriend.
I have even ordered my own psychotropics from S Africa and India b/c I do not trust the clinic's psychiatrist. I mean he has 1500 patients,an entire county!! how well could he know me or what I need?, plus I never explain myself well when I meet with him and he always acts so weird!!! I am sooooo worried about Christmas. As you can imagine though, as my well-off family keeps up appearances; the place looks like a Martha Stewart set and the gifts are never ending, which is nice, but I always have a sick feeling in my stomach. Any help would be appreciated greatly!! This is my first post asking for help. Thanks

[lonegael]

Hi Stacy May- It sounds like you know that your feelings may not always be right on the money. I know that sometimes therapists can ask people to think really critically about family members to try to get people to think clearly about their lives. That can mean that you can come away wondering what all that was about and what was the shrink trying to get at. It can be easy to feel manipulated even when the doct doesn't mean it. Most of the time they hope you'll just think about things, adjust one thing here or tweak something there and then keep the relationship. So you live up in the mountains? Is it a really little place? HUGGGGSSSSS

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

I am sure your psychiatrist means no harm. Every medical professional has his/her own way of providing service, and if the service is not acceptable to the patient, then it is up to the patient to say so.

Have a good one.

[SophiaFlying]

I appreciate that you gave me your response. As you probably know, and as I know, a lot of people feel uncomfortable around psychiatrists. There is something about their 20' gaze that is creepy. If it were just that i would tell him how I feel, as I have told my therapist how I feel about him and his psychiatrist friend. It isnt a matter of not being up front. Though you're right ,I should continue to talk directly to him........
Unfortunately, the good doctor has an entire county to serve and as much as it is a sign of the times and socio-economics which I am overly understanding of, I really do not think he has time for me and my best interests. I feel dis-empowered around him and I cannot afford to feel that way.
Numerous issues come up for those of us who are depending on psychiatrists, especially if you are a woman. A lot of us have gained a lot of weight from the SSRI and aytpical antipsychotic drugs that have surpassed their test of time,i.e. short efficacy studies were only a few years long, or are having brain shivers or other things psychiatrists seem to think are not real problems- things that the public has witnessed emerging over the long run.I remember after taking paxil for a few yrs I tried to go off. I was urged to continue taking it-despite the fact I gained 20lbs and had severe headaches that interefered with work. Going off it myself was one of the worst experiences I ever had and was prescribed prozac which was much more benign in terms of side effects.

The last time I saw my psychiatrist, last month, I told him that everything was fine b/c he walked in with a loopy grin on his face and freaked me out; his cavalier attitude combined with my request to explore other antidepressants (b/c I have gained 40 lbs over the two years I have been taking it the prior time b4 last month) was met with, "Well I think the Cymbalta is doing more for you than you are aware of, lets keep things the way they are." My problem is that I feel like he doesnt really care and doesn't do much for his patients b/c he is the only county psychiatrist and so do no harm is the best policy when there are so many people to manage. Then there is the point that there is a huge shortage of psychiatrists in the US........maybe paranoid isnt the right word.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by StacyMay

I have even ordered my own psychotropics from S Africa and India b/c I do not trust the clinic's psychiatrist. I mean he has 1500 patients,an entire county!! how well could he know me or what I need?, plus I never explain myself well when I meet with him and he always acts so weird!!! I am sooooo worried about Christmas. As you can imagine though, as my well-off family keeps up appearances; the place looks like a Martha Stewart set and the gifts are never ending, which is nice, but I always have a sick feeling in my stomach. Any help would be appreciated greatly!! This is my first post asking for help. Thanks

StacyMay I would trust drugs made in America 1000 times more than drugs made in India India are known for substitution of cheaper ingredients that do not work in the same way It is interesting because we were reading about this yesterday and not only are the medications suspect but self medicating can be harmful

Our GP works in the only medical Centre in a town of 5000 so there are 5000 patients all up She has records of most all of them and she knows exactly what to give us and what we need That is why she is paid because she knows and when she is dealing with each person she is paying attention to that person for that whole time they are there

Please if you can tell the therapist of your fears of the paranoia and how it is affecting your life and stopping you from moving forward surely they can help you in some way and surely they do know what drugs you need We really have no intention at all of making your paranoia worse but buying drugs from overseas could be asking for trouble you just do not need

Heleni

[lonegael]

I was thinking the same thing actually. I wasn't sure what you were woried about with the American companies, so I was kind of waiting to see if you would explain, but Heleni is right. There have been problems with some of the Asian companies and their subsituting harmful ingredients, sometimes in the honest belief that the change won't make a big difference (such as what fixing or coloring agent is used). I know it' hard to trust sometimes, especially when you feel so small and there are so many things that could go wrong. Hang in there. It sounds like you really have a battle on your hands. HUGGGGGGSSSSS

[SophiaFlying]

I am so sorry to worry you. I will try to have my therapist set up another meeting with my idiot shrink and get wellbutrin from him.

[SophiaFlying]

All I really want is to stop craving carbs and have more energy to live life.

[lonegael]

The carb craving stinks. Is the wellbutrin the first antidepressant you have been on? Ach, and don't worry about me, Stacy May, I'll live. Take my worry with a pinch of salt. It's OK to be critical, really. Remember to be critical of these other guys too, though. HUGGS and hope the energy comes back soon. Life's a drag without it.