I'm not always real good with social skills. Big surprise, huh? Well, I have a recurring situation that often comes up in my life. Although it's a pattern, not a one time thing, I'll describe it using a specific example that has actually happened.

I enter the room and find a discussion going on. One member of the group addresses me and asks me a trivia question they say they've been trying to figure out the answer to. "Who was it that sang 'The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia' before Reba McEntire did? We've been sitting here racking our brains trying to remember."

It's something I happen to know. "Vicki Lawrence," I answer right away.

They don't believe me. Even if they don't come right out and call me stupid or say directly that I'm full of it and don't know what I'm talking about, their faces, tone of voice, and body language will indicate they think so. "No, honey. That can't be right. She's an actress, not a singer."

So I prove it. In this case, I showed them my CD of 1970's pop hits that includes Vicki Lawrence's version of "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia." For other questions in this pattern, I might look it up online, or confirm it with someone else they'll believe.

And they're mad at me. Every time. "You're such a know-it-all. There you go again, always having to be right. You think you're smarter than everybody else, don't you?"

I'm actually hesitant to bring it up, because I've addressed the subject before (in other contexts) only to get a lecture about how I don't always have to be right, and would I rather be right or be happy? It's not about having to be right. It's about being asked a question, and then being disputed when my answer is provable, all the while being put down. Am I the problem here, as has been suggested, because I'm the common denominator? Or are the "friends" or family members who set me up like this just a group of toxic people that I don't need in my life?

[Little Lulu]

You don't own anyone an explanation for being the smart person you are ... but I think you should apply to be on Jeopardy with a memory like yours. That would show 'em!

Yeah, it sure was Vicki Lawrence. But...onto the point of your post ...from a couple of your posts it sounds like you have some people in your life who are as s holes, and maybe really insecure.

There are some I haven't made a clean break from yet. Sometimes I suppose I need the reassurance and confirmation to do that.

Okay then... here's another vote for doing that

Thank you. I think the break emotionally is harder than the break geographically. My brother (a prime perpetrator of this kind of thing) actually unfriended me on Facebook because I stopped putting up with it. Not to mention, some of my Facebook friends came forward and started calling him on his gaslighting. For example, "Oh, yes, you did say that to her. I saw it." Or, "I would have taken it as an insult if someone had said that to me, so she's not just being hypersensitive." So he unfriended me. But neither one of us has blocked the other, so we still see posts and comments on cousins' pages. However none of my cousins are at fault, so I don't want to bring them into it or involve them.... see the dilemma?

And it wasn't just family members. I've been to a couple of day treatment programs for people with mental illness, where this goes on a LOT!!! It was at one of those programs that the Vicki Lawrence example happened--and a staff member, not another client, was perpetrating it.

[Maven]

I've had stuff like that happen to me, too. Dr. Phil would probably accuse us of being a "right-fighter." Then he'd ask, "Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right?" That's STUPID. You can be both. If someone is wrong and you can provide the correct answer or information, why not? If they get upset about it, it's their problem, not yours. And, if you decided to be "happy" by not arguing when you felt you were right, you'd start to build up resentment as that keeps happening. Some people judge your opinions (or statements of fact) as poor, because you have a mental issue or they've disagreed with you several times in the past (this doesn't mean you were wrong, but in that person's mind, your beliefs and ideas aren't reliable). I'm proud to be a right-fighter, and when I prove I'm right, I'm happy. I'm not always right, but sometimes I am, and if others can't accept that, screw'em!

Originally Posted by Lovebird

Thank you. I think the break emotionally is harder than the break geographically. My brother (a prime perpetrator of this kind of thing) actually unfriended me on Facebook because I stopped putting up with it. Not to mention, some of my Facebook friends came forward and started calling him on his gaslighting. For example, "Oh, yes, you did say that to her. I saw it." Or, "I would have taken it as an insult if someone had said that to me, so she's not just being hypersensitive." So he unfriended me. But neither one of us has blocked the other, so we still see posts and comments on cousins' pages. However none of my cousins are at fault, so I don't want to bring them into it or involve them.... see the dilemma?

And it wasn't just family members. I've been to a couple of day treatment programs for people with mental illness, where this goes on a LOT!!! It was at one of those programs that the Vicki Lawrence example happened--and a staff member, not another client, was perpetrating it.

Interpersonal interaction can be so complicated. When it's family it's even more so... at times. Just a thought but maybe the staff member (if she is involved in therapy) was trying to get a reaction from you for therapeutic reasons?
It would have probably been less than tactful but I would have told them that yes, it was Vickie Lawrence and her husband wrote it for her is the story I read. And if you don't want the answer then don't ask the question... then I'd have walked away
If it was something I'm passionate about I'd be much less tactful than that

I like that. "When I'm right, I'm happy." That will be my comeback, the next time somebody fires that "would you rather be right or happy" garbage against me as a weapon, which has been done. Yes, you can be both right and happy in the same universe, and people who don't accept you unless they can see you as dumb and never right, are not worth having in your life.

I have stopped volunteering a correction unless something bad will happen if I don't speak up. If it's saving someone from embarrassment, I think it's better to say something, but I'm learning to differentiate that from times when it will just come off as "I'm smarter than you." But if someone actually asks me a question, and then tells me I don't know what I'm talking about when I give the answer, I think that's a setup.

In context, the staff member's goal, I think, was to try to teach me not to be a right-fighter. There was another time when I talked about a situation in which I knew I was right and could prove it, but I did back down. She missed the whole point and then smiled at me condescendingly and said, "It means a lot to you to be right, doesn't it?"

Well, yes it does, actually. Because the need to prove I'm right, which I do battle now, arose out of people constantly treating me like a dangblamed idiot in the first place.

Originally Posted by Lovebird

I'm not always real good with social skills. Big surprise, huh? Well, I have a recurring situation that often comes up in my life. Although it's a pattern, not a one time thing, I'll describe it using a specific example that has actually happened.

I enter the room and find a discussion going on. One member of the group addresses me and asks me a trivia question they say they've been trying to figure out the answer to. "Who was it that sang 'The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia' before Reba McEntire did? We've been sitting here racking our brains trying to remember."

It's something I happen to know. "Vicki Lawrence," I answer right away.

They don't believe me. Even if they don't come right out and call me stupid or say directly that I'm full of it and don't know what I'm talking about, their faces, tone of voice, and body language will indicate they think so. "No, honey. That can't be right. She's an actress, not a singer."

So I prove it. In this case, I showed them my CD of 1970's pop hits that includes Vicki Lawrence's version of "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia." For other questions in this pattern, I might look it up online, or confirm it with someone else they'll believe.

And they're mad at me. Every time. "You're such a know-it-all. There you go again, always having to be right. You think you're smarter than everybody else, don't you?"

I'm actually hesitant to bring it up, because I've addressed the subject before (in other contexts) only to get a lecture about how I don't always have to be right, and would I rather be right or be happy? It's not about having to be right. It's about being asked a question, and then being disputed when my answer is provable, all the while being put down. Am I the problem here, as has been suggested, because I'm the common denominator? Or are the "friends" or family members who set me up like this just a group of toxic people that I don't need in my life?

You're not the problem here at all. the group is. They were there to test you and wanted to be validated that it was too tough of a question so that they didn't feel stupid themselves. When you answered honestly, that's all you can do. The fact that they jumped on you and called you a know it all also alludes to the idea that they don't like to feel like they don't know it all themselves. If they don't know it also, they sure as hell don't want others to know better. It's not about YOU at all, it's about their own self esteem.

I dunno if they are toxic but my suggestion would be that you opt out of anything to do with them asking you to help them with an answer or address the issue directly. My feeling is, if you aren't open to accepting that I might know the answer or won't like it if I do, then please don't ask me for my thoughts.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

From the sounds of it, the latter.