[Nicks_Nose]

I couldn't find the original joke thread so I created a new one.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned
a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator…”

lol hahahaha!. that's great

now, give me a while- need to think of some acceptible jokes.. most of mine if i posted them here i'd probably be off the forum before you could say shattered sanity

lol

[Nicks_Nose]

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[Nicks_Nose]

[Travelinglady]

Good ones!

I've always liked this one:

A 70-year-old millionaire had just married a beautiful 20-year-old woman.

"You crafty old codger," said his friend. "How did you get such a lovely young wife?"

"Easy," the millionaire replied. "I told her I was 95."

(Maybe this is an old lady's joke. I'm still grinning over the alligator one, though .)

[Nicks_Nose]

Johnny's English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So, it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Johnny handed in a poor paper.

"This is the worst essay I have ever had the misfortune of reading," ranted the teacher.

"It has too many mistakes. I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes!"

"One person didn't," replied Little Johnny defensively. "My father helped me!"

Originally Posted by Nicks_Nose

I couldn't find the original joke thread so I created a new one.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned
a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator…”

you reminded me of this one:

a milionair was throwing a party- everyone on the estate was invited.

half way through he turned off the music, silenced the crowd, walked to the front and started to make an anouncement:

in my pool out back, i've an aligator- who ever can swim across the pool and not be bitten, or otherwise afraid by the aligator, then you will inherrit my mantion.. anyone want to try?

all was silent- until a splash was heard. everyone turned to see a man in the pool, swimming furiously across to the other side- the aligator was trying it's best to corner him and bite him, but everytime it got close, the man would fight it off- and make huge splashes

eventually, he reached the other side and the crowd errupted in to applause

the milionair wondered over and congratulated the guy saying, okay... now you can get to inherit the mantion

to the shock of everyone, he said... oh no, i don't want it

the milionaire said.. cmon, that was an awsome display- i must give you something.. what about a new car and some stocks and shares?

guy says, no thank you

the millionaire says to him.. well then.. what do you want?

guy says.. i want to know the name of the person that thought it funny to push me in the pool!

[Nicks_Nose]

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

[Nicks_Nose]

Top ten ways to annoy your waiter

From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.