checking in . . . it has been a while

It has been a while since I posted a status report. I am working as a temp legal secretary. They like me. I am hoping to go permanent. The job has good benefits and if I can manage to stay there for a long time, I will have paid retirement including medical. I don't know if I can work until I am 76. My mom retired at 79. The IBS I've been suffering from for years has lessened.

I am now on a lot of meds. Anti-seizure meds for my epilepsy. Two low dose anti-depressants (Prozac and Abilify) and a heart medication. I still suffer from complex PTSD. I am satisfied with my new sexual definition of asexual gay man. I was never very good at sex and, because of my childhood, had mixed feelings about it. My T disagreed strongly with my decision and was let go. It's a far from perfect life and I am not totally at peace with it but am more peaceful than when I was trying to be gay. I was raised to be asexual so in some ways it is my true nature. I don't like taking all the meds. I have 3 prescribing MDs. In particular, I dislike the anti-seizure med. The MD who prescribes the anti-D's is trying to find something that works so he can then prescribe something for ADHD, for which I recently tested positive. The meds are not decreasing my PTSD symptoms - a big disappointment.

My life is very boring. I go to work. I walk home, weather permitting. I eat a cheap lunch. I get home, make dinner and sometimes am in bed as early as 8 PM. The meds make me sleepy. Lately, I have been spending most of my weekends sleeping. It looks like the anti-D's will be biting the dust. I am calmer but am still an unhappy guy. I am refusing therapy because they will want me to be sexual and, well, that's not me. I don't enjoy it. Emotionally, I don't want it. So, it's a lonely life. Not even a T to talk to. In many ways, I am just treading water. I believe that's the best I can do considering the life I've been dealt. I don't believe in god anymore. I'm trying to set goals. So far they are: 1. buying a car (I've NEVER had one); 2. moving to a place closer to nature; 3. taking a foreign vacation every year; 4. rekindling my love if music; 5. maybe going back to school or taking courses of interest. When Mom passes on, I should inherit some money and will have my teeth straightened.

Sorry I have been out of touch. I feel that I no longer have much to say. As always, thanks for your feedback.

I'm glad to hear from you. I have been wondering. Hope the job works out.

Hey unhappyguy - thanks for checking in. I agree with your decision not to see t's if they just try to pressure you into something that doesn't work for you, especially around sexuality. Asexuality is a valid orientation. I guess a lot of people just don't understand it. I can relate to the meds - I'm on three different ones and even though, when I started taking these particular ones last year, my partner said she noticed a drastic difference in me, I feel like nothing's changed. It's frustrating.
I hope things start looking up for you at some point. If you ever need to vent, or just need someone to listen to you, or just want to have a conversation, feel free to PM me.

Sounds like you've been decisive, yet thoughtful, and you have some nice goals. Looks like well done.

Good to hear from you again. Sounds like some things are improving. What is missing that might make you more happy? More socializing, hobby, better salary, a pet,... ?

boy unguy I am suprised there is another person out there just like me abilify and viibryd. anti seziure meds and heart meds, blood pressure meds,. I cant stand going to a T for my c-ptsd. I'm still afraid i might hurt him for the person that caused mine; it was easier to leave..

My life is boring, sickening, spent in one room that closes in on me. Leaving for drs appts only;but i do like to shop. and I do still like sex alot.

oh and unguy try viibryd for an antidepressant it is and antiaxiety too

I would go to a T for c-ptsd treatment if the treatment were psychodynamics or psychoanalysis. Instead I get this cognitive crap that provides me with no psychological peace of mind and creates an internal mental battle where I am constantly correcting my thoughts and results in more depression. I should note that the heart meds are needed, in part, to restrain the physical effects of my c-ptsd attacks.

Sadly, I am allergic to all things, so a pet is not an option. I have to settle for a few plants in my dark apartment. I am hoping to get out of this apartment eventually as it is mentally unhealthy. I need sunshine and better ventilation.

I am getting by. I think that is all I can ask for. I am toying with trying Buddhism or Quakerism again. Frankly, I want to leave all things Biblical behind. I am also contemplating re-exploring the ancient Greek myths as a means of finding a better way of living that works for me. I think I am an old soul. Who knows, I may end up studying Zoroastrianism! Ultimately, I think, I will become a cosmotologist and put life in perspective of the planets, galaxies and universe. How small we all are including what seems to be our big (but really mid-sized) planet that we are rapidly destroying. The thing that calms me most is one glass of wine with the taste of the soils the grapes were grown in. It makes me feel planted and an extension of the ground on which I stand. Maybe a satisfying but healthy meal and some music to soothe the mind or that inspires me to dance and celebrate the body a little.

That last sentence sounds very enticing to me. I wish i could drink, but i'm allergic to wine, and being a non alcohol person doesn't let me drink. I used to have problems with it.Well I hope you keep up with these goals of yours and wish you luck.

Due to my mild (petite mal) epilepsy, I am not supposed to drink at all. I do so only with food and strictly limit my consumption. Being part Italian, it is a cultural thing with me. And, since I can't tolerate soda at all anymore . . . well . . . I don't know what else to drink. All week I have sugar free ice tea and water but, after a while, I need a change. When they develop a Prozac with terroir, I will switch to it!