Nothing is free. Now I understand.

I traded potential for assurance, and lies got me there.

Being the ripe young age of 25 doesn't excuse me. My youth in fact, will be my payment. I started this when I was 10 and have continued up until now. Now that I realize how I have to pay, if I decide to change for the better presently, I will be able to reap it's full benefit when I pay for the suffering I have cost others for the next 15 years of my life.

This includes my privacy, participation in community, romantic love, and experiencing genuine friendships. All on hold, for the next 15 years.

It's a grim payment, but this seems to be fair, none the less. I can still prepare for my freedom when I turn 40, but I cannot exercise true liberation until my suffering matches theirs, in time and degree. Alternate payment: going bankrupt (dying).

My apologies are not a form of payment. This currency no longer applies to me, due to my past dishonesty.

I may not have beat anyone up, or committed a capitol offense, but I have leeched off of others feelings for years. I see that this is a fitting punishment.

Can I survive this? Perhaps, ask me in 15 years.

[gayleggg]

A lot of times just changing is repayment enough for past wrongs. I would suggest you get a therapist to help you sort through this maze of repayment. You sound strong, I believe you can make it but I think you can do it best if you have objective help to help put things in perspective. Good luck to you.

[healingme4me]

^^^ agree with Gayle. Not sure, why suffering is a way to atone for childhood into adulthood mistakes, character or otherwise?