I generally have to know the reason for social conventions. As a kid, much to the annoyance of the adults around me, I was always asking why this or that rule had to be followed. Why do I absolutely have to be in bed by such-and-such time? Why must I wait until I'm exactly sixteen, and not fifteen and a half, before I may wear red nail polish? Unfortunately, the usual response was, "because I said so," and that doesn't compute with me. Nor do "because that's the policy," "because it's the rule," "because that's the way we do things around here," or "because it's good manners," all of which are basically the same logic. I need to know why it was deemed necessary to impose that rule, or what makes it good manners. Not that I won't do something just because it's policy, but if I ask, and all I get in response is some form of "because I said so," I'll sure resent it.

For example, I was wondering about the convention that says men should remove their hats indoors. When I looked it up on etiquette sites, most of the "reasons" given were that it's polite, it shows good manners, etc, etc, etc, just do it or else you're rude. It took research to actually come across some real reasons. On the practical side, back when hats were customary, a woman's hat was part of her outfit, but a man's hat was to keep his head warm and dry. Having it on would acclimate him to the temperature-controlled indoor environment, cancelling out much of its protection when he leaves. The same thing happens when you leave your coat on indoors. You go back outside, you freeze, because your body got used to it. On the social side, since the hat was worn when traveling, leaving it on sends the message, "I have no intention of sticking around. I've got better places to be than here." OK, given that undertone, now I can understand why leaving it on can be rude.

Yes, I need to have things spelled out for me like that. Being able to see the logic makes it so much easier for me to be socially acceptable. I still don't get why a man should tip his hat to a lady. One site said that since lobbies and elevators are functionally like streets, it's OK for a man to keep his hat on, but he should remove it if there is a lady present. Huh? Why? "Because it shows respect." How? "It just does." That's where I have trouble.

Splitting this in two so I don't make too long a post.

Incidentally, those of you who may have noticed I'm a firm believer in "sir and ma'am," "Mr. or Mrs./Miss," I do see why it's polite. When someone addresses me as ma'am, I feel like they're acknowledging that I'm a competent adult member of society, but "sweetie" or "young lady" makes me feel talked down to, like I'm a child. Therefore I think it's a good idea to make those things a general practice.

[Grey Matter]

I have learned that general social conventions, saying thank you, holding a door, bless you when someone sneezes, are all I need to be polite. I see no logic in all the social conventions that require "politeness" in every stage. Then again, I am horrid in social situations which explains a lot.

In order to look "normal" as a kid I learned to mimic pleasantries. As a result I often overused them or sometimes put them in the wrong spots. I still do. I live by these rules now to try and hide my bipolar often with failing results. I also don't see the logic in it. I sometimes feel sorry so I say sorry and then am told I shouldn't have said sorry. People and society can be so grey.

[Webgoji]

Typically, the easiest way for me to decide to do something is by thinking, "How will what I say/do affect the other person?"

If I'm going to watch a football game at a buddy's house and I'm wearing my 49ers baseball cap, I leave it one because we'll all have our "gear" on for the game. If I'm visiting someone's grandparents and have my "going outside hat" on, I'll take it off when I go inside.

If I meet someone who is sensitive over their age, I won't us Ma'am because they might feel I'm aging them. On the other hand, someone who doesn't want to be treated that way I'll use Sir.

Again, it all depends on how it affects someone else because ultimately, leaving my hat on or taking it off, using this word instead of that one, doesn't affect me personally at all.