[life_ender]

It's me again... Well, I am not quite often here, but...

I lost only driving force in my life, love. Love of one girl. It was my longest and most promising relationship. Even tho virtually only.

Well... Yeah, things are now back to old condition. Very suicidal one. In fact, some means are quite in reach for me. And gosh, they are peaceful way to die. Well, I have destroyed family. Grandmother dead (no other grandparents), father in jail (life sentence), mother old and nearing the end, brother... he, he has his own life, he... he's not valid.

Friends? Have an american one, but is he friend if we talk 10 sentences every month? No. I have one in my country, in another city. I rarely see him, but I use to often lament to him and we text on quite daily basis. He stayed for a week at my summer house. Just that. One. Time.

Other than that? No... Nothing... Just me, my laptop and Xbox. And people, people who I can see only as words typed on my screen. Nothing even remotely tangible. I have written few topics here. No one did provide anything valid or helpful, or anything I haven't knew yet...

So if moderators think this isn't appropriate place to find friends... Delete it... Who cares? One lonely, desperate, suicidal person less... Who cares?

So, yeah... I am looking for a friend, companion, comrade, anyone...

Little about myself: My real name is Andrija, am almost 27 years old (most ****** b-day I will ever have), living in Croatia if you even know where that is. Anyway, none of this matters... Yeah, I am male, so please don't joke with my name, I've had enough of that.

I do not choose you... You choose me. For all I care you can be an serial killer, I don't care. You can be hobbit, goblin, spirit, you can be any gender... But I would like to see someone in the range 18-30, maaaaaybe 40... In same or similar ******, desperate situation, preferably jobless, hopeless and main treat would be one who has little to none experience in love. All of that I am. Learnt that opposites do not quite attract each other, nor I want to hear what you did in bed with your "partner".

Ohhh one more thing... If you are gamer on either PC or Xbox One or you produce music in any DAW... that is big plus.

So yeah, I feel quite ******. Since when you learn that rl that lasts 2.5 months goes to waste just because of one argument, you realize life is load of crap. Since this is great forum, both by information and by number of members... I hope someone will join me.

My PM inbox is open so please if you feel the same or somewhere there... Do not hesitate,
regards,
A.

Read your prior posts, please reply. Thanks.

Also, please go to the ER/hospital right now. We cannot save your life. You are suicidal.

I cannot stress the importance of this...you can make friends here after and we will support you.

[life_ender]

I was in hospital enough times to be again. Rest assure that it won't be hospital this time. It's not help. Hospital won't fill this gap. No... I still hope for a message or two. Surely am not alone. Right... Right?

Don't mock me with emergency or hospital. I am suicidal last 7 years. Yet... Each day more and more... determined. But it doesn't mean a thing right now.

[life_ender]

Answered it anyway

Originally Posted by life_ender

I was in hospital enough times to be again. Rest assure that it won't be hospital this time. It's not help. Hospital won't fill this gap. No... I still hope for a message or two. Surely am not alone. Right... Right?

Don't mock me with emergency or hospital. I am suicidal last 7 years. Yet... Each day more and more... determined. But it doesn't mean a thing right now.

I'm not mocking you, I'm concerned as you stated about you are suicidal. I will not bother you again. I posted out of goodwill and genuine concern. Take care, life_ender. We will support you here.

[avlady]

i think i have been suicidal since i was 2 years old. haha to myself i made it so far now that i'm 55 years old. i;ve been through more than i wish to say or admit.you are too young to give up now, and i know the fear of the hospital. now that i am older i can look back and see how bad of shape i was really in;stubborn, brat, although i am not praising all the elders that helped me out, but the ones that had true compassion.

[Lexi232]

im 29yr.
Croatia? what's it like there?

i used to have an xbox 360, and a pc... and a lot of other stuff. but it all got left behind when all i could take with me is what i could carry in one trip. which were my cats and their stuff lol.

I also understand the feeling of going to a lot of hospitals while feeling certain ways. i also know if i were to start feeling that way again, going to the hospital would, i believe would do more harm than good. wish there were in-home care. but if it reaches the point where priorities get clouded by the severe depression, even if it doesnt seem like it will help, going to a hospital or ER will keep you safe.
suicide isnt an option (as ive been told in one of my hospital admits).

do you have any animals? mine keep me from giving up. also why i feel i would be worse off in a hospital, because they wouldnt be there with me, and they are what keep me from giving up. they need me, and i need them.

do you have a therapist and/or a psychiatrist?

what are your favorite video games to play?

[Fuzzybear]

[life_ender]

Hahah thank you for such a support Wish I am not on an American forum, or wish I live in America... Anyway... Thank you all... And sorry rainyday107 for my behavior. I am not feeling better, but I feel the need to apologize. But really, I feel like minced meat and really would like to fast forward to my death day. I feel no point in living. There was a note in other theme I opened about my sexual health... Which got... well, in simple language... it failed before I ever experienced anything regarding sexual. Never mind. Just another drop of water over the top. And yeah, I do not know with people. So I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be anything with me. It's my fault. I do not know the right approach.

Lexi I have animal, cat. Yeah, I have psych, every 2 months I get 15 minutes or less for talk. Or pay 60$ and go to private one. It's way too much for me. 1 hour yeah. My favorites are FIFA (soccer as you call it there) probably only thing in life in which I am really good. Battlefield series. Also I like adventure games (point and click ones), horror games... Basically any which doesn't hurt me in any way. (i.e. games that are sexually explicit I avoid... things I do not have I do not want to look and listen to, same goes to romantic movies. In fact I think if I would watch one I would go in bathroom and hurt myself, I am quite positive about it) Which brings me to following problem... I can't go outside I hate going out of my house! I hate seeing people, couples, holding hands, kissing... I am so furious that I think if I would ever have gf I would tell that we never show off in public. Cause I know how much it hurts people.

Yet, twas yesterday, I've seen guy buying condoms in one shop while I was just about to go out of it. He gave it to her gf. My brain got flashed. I was so furious I jerked my moms hand and pulled her outside and telling her: let's go! cmon, I don't want to be here! It infuriated me SOOO MUCH!!! Why? I do not want to look at that! I get furious on poems of love. I just avoid having any contact with anything that reminds me of something I miss so much!

I don't like exposing myself to people, which I am doing now... It ends up wrong...

Why? On my local forum I got banned 100+ times. How about that? Yeah, I really do not go well with people.

How our proverb says: It's hard to live with people, even harder without them. (you can put women instead of people, same stuff)

[unaluna]

We have same saying: "women - cant live with them, cant live without them". Sometimes to be funny, guys will say, "women - cant live with them, cant kill them."

Many of us here feel your despair. We are either in the middle of such feelings, or we remember them from not too long ago. We are all your friends - even if many of us are old ladies! We are deprived too - there are not enough older men for us.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I see you're new to Psych Central, so, welcome to PC. Some excellent people here. There are Community Liaisons at hand if you need help getting around the site and stuff. Mods and Admins do some great work keeping us safe... and in check. xD

You seem like a cool person to me, and we'd potentially get along. However, your state of mental health right now really worries me and so I couldn't pursue a friendship with someone who is in your position. I've been there myself, a good few years back, on both ends, which is why I'll instead just hope you get the help and find some solace in life, without feeling the need to seek or desire any unfortunate alternative. Best of luck to you, and please stay strong for yourself, your future, and the good people whose lives you may lighten.

See you around.

[life_ender]

unaluna heheh you're really good True what you say... The fact is: In younger years there aren't enough women for us, in older it's like you said. I am so sad cause of that. I want to have young partner, not well... I really do get along very well with older people, but I want really a younger partner (younger than me), so I really worry as almost 27 year old man that I come in my 40es and still had nobody. I really really really do not want 40 years old girlfriend. I mean, please try to understand me... It's killing me inside. Knowing I am getting older and my bottom floor for girls age now is at least 18. If it's younger I am pedophile. And when I get older... well... I can get only old experienced women. I don't like it really :/ But I feel for you too. It's the similar problem really

Okay IchbinkeinTeufel I have been living almost 27 years alone, so I will survive. Twas just my shot on this forum. Thank you and best to you.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Originally Posted by life_ender

Okay IchbinkeinTeufel I have been living almost 27 years alone, so I will survive. Twas just my shot on this forum. Thank you and best to you.

I'm sure you will. I live alone too. It gets lonely, right? But at least it's peaceful, I suppose. I try to make sure I get out every now and then so I'm not a complete recluse. xD

[random_emotion]

I have been down that dark path many times I think people are trying to be supportive here and I think sometimes people get confused about the difference between being suicidal and being actively suicidal.As I am always suicidal even when I am doing better and so being suicidal is not a red flag for me but it maybe for you I don't know... and if it is thats ok I am just saying that being suicidal is not always a reason to be hospitalized it really depends on the person and if is a red flag it doesn't mean that you are not as strong it just means that everyone is different and thus need to be treated as an individual. Although I don't think anything would make me voluntarily go back to the hospital. That being said I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time right now. If you want to talk more just let me know

[unaluna]

A guy friend of mine says, behind every beautiful woman - is a guy tired of putting up with her b.s. ! So be careful what you wish for, you might get it