[Marylin]

So I have PTSD and am usually very shy and social anxious and avoid going places where I might meet strangers and embarrass myself or suffer humiliation.I also have been six weeks no contact with my narcissist controlling mother.I felt a new found peace and happiness, a sense of freedom.There is a party on Saturday which I am invited to,I've known about it over a month and thought I'd be too scared to attend.I decided not to go but have now changed my mind and I am looking forward to it,meeting new people and enjoying the music and drinks,there will be a guest speaker before the dancing,it is a campaign group party so a chance to unwind and celebrate success.

I am really surprised that I am not in high anxiety over the prospect of going usually I am distressed with three days to go but actually I am relaxed and not at all worried even though I only know one other person that is going.

Hopefully I won't chicken out last minute but it doesn't feel like I will.I think it had to do with being controlled and abused by my family,it made me anxious and afraid and feeling low in self esteem,I was always being criticised and told off and that set up a I'm not good enough for other people sort of complex and I always get things wrong and embarrass myself,the more I spoke like that to myself the less willing I was to expose myself to stranger's judgement.

Now I don't care what other's think.When I was being abused by my narcissist sister really violently I developed agoraphobia for 9 years,I wouldn't leave our house,eventually my sister got with her now husband and took her attention of me and I managed to overcome it but it was her bullying me totally took away my power and self esteem and courage.I'd often try and go out and have panic attacks and need rescuing and she'd get angry and that reinforced my powerlessness.I feel so much self love now

It took me years to realise that my family were the source of my ill health and problems.I am going to see if Saturday goes well if it does it proves that being free and able to live without being bullied and controlled is the way to heal from the past and move forward with my life.There is one person I do know also going to the party and she has agreed to be my social support on the night.

I will update this thread Saturday night when I get back from the party unless I need to ruminate before it again,then you will probably hear more in the next three days.

Just wanted to applaud you, Marylin...

You deserve to have a good time. And if you have doubts, I'm sure that if you post, we'll cheer you on.

You must let us know how it goes.

And thank you for allowing us anxious ones to live vicariously and be with you in spirit!
Looking forward to an update on Saturday!

[Unrigged64072835]

Hope you have a lot of fun and enjoy yourself. You deserve it.

[Marylin]

I have to apologise to all of you here that encouraged me.I am really sorry,I changed my mind back and forth a dozen times about whether to go to the party/disco or not.Yesterday all day I was optimistic about it but last night anxieties set in and I was dreading it and lots of fears surfaced and I rsvped changed my mind I am not coming,and today I was indecisive about sticking to that.I feel like I have missed out but I just wasn't doing what I had to do to get ready and go,so I just let the time past and my body was being passive and not complying.

Like with a face wax and have a shower do my nails hair ,get ready,I just ignored that I need to do all that and it got late and I knew I just wasn't going,a big part of me wanted to go but a bigger part was just too afraid.I didn't like the big deal I was making about it and just had to decline and I had to conclude there will be other occasions and next time I will rise to it and attend.I am sorry if I let myself down but that is part and parcel of being me and it is my life with PTSD and social anxiety.It will happen when it happens when I can get rid of this inner critic that has decided every social event I attend will be a disaster and a humiliating experience cos part of me feels it's better to stay home and be safe.When I was younger too many events ended with me being humiliated and embarrassed and one ended with me being date raped so I guess I still don't trust myself to keep myself safe.I reckon this experience of wanting to go and not being able to has taught me where in the past this problem originates so I am on my way to recovery,I know I will crack this problem eventually.

I had a new book arrived today that I think will help with how down I get over going to social occasions,meeting new people and socialising.
It is called, Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving,by Pete Walker.

I am a little disappointed about tonight but I am just going to rest and enjoy the evening for the rest of it and tonight.I might put a DVD on and watch it.Girl Interrupted is one I have had a long time and not watched it.It is about two girls in a mental institution,Anjellina Jolie is in it.

Thanks to all of you who have encouraged and supported me sorry to let you all down!

[MickeyCheeky]

You didn't let us down at all - things like this just happen. Please don't feel guilty about this. You will have many other chances, I'm sure.. Just keep trying, ok?

[Unrigged64072835]

That's a good book. Hope you find it useful.

[Marylin]

Well I saw a video of the event last night that I was meant to be going to ,disco lights and lots of dancing not many places to sit which cos I walk with a stick and can't stand long or dance it would have been uncomfortable and odd.Also everyone was dressed really casually and I was going to make an effort I think I would have been overdressed.All of that and not knowing anyone and the fact most of the people there were younger made me think it's best I didn't go after all.I think it was mostly the younger members of the campaign group that went to be honest.In the end after seeing the video it is not such a big deal that I didn't go I saved myself some discomfort and chagrin I think.And there will be other occasions to go to.

There's always a lesson

Now, you know to start with something smaller and more casual....so that's your takeaway....

It's all good...