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Silent_Efforts
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Old Jun 09, 2019 at 08:15 AM
  #1
 
Dear everybody,

I have gotten out of severe depression with the help of ECTs and desvenlafaxine one year ago. I'm currently doing well.

During my depressive phase I met a man 15 years older to me online. I shared details of my life which I would never have told anybody with him. This was because at the time I had decided to die. But he gave me strength to stop three major attempts which would have ended with me not being here. And I came clean to my parents. Soon I was dating him. And I started ect and medication and getting evaluated by professionals. (this was five years ago) I competed my treatment one year ago.
This man I talk of has loved me, been by my side every step of the way, picked up my calls in the middle of the night for me, spent his last penny just to come down to meet me after saving for days... And moreso, I love the person he is, kind, genuine, helpful and loving. He also has maintained that he would. Understand if I were to leave him, but he is around till I want. Him to whether it's till now or till our last breath, that's upto me.

My parents are well educated, and very good parents. They have been by my side in every aspect of my life. They have wanted the best for me and love me. The depression had nothing to do with them. And if it weren't for their support and help, I wouldn't have gotten out of depression.
However, during my depression, my parents had caught me on a Skype chat with the man I spoke above about. They were enraged. And they believed it to be the result of my depression that I was doing so with him.
The reason for this is because, where I come from, it's not decent to chat on Skype with any man, let alone a man 15 years older to you (I'm 30 and he is 45), who is of a much lower social status, who is semiemployed and living by just bare minimum, and who is spending time online encouraging a woman 15 years younger to him. I am a health care professional raised with all luxuries one can imagine. They were concerned it's very uncharacteristic of me and it's poor influence on me.

As you can see, I owe my current self, improved and alive and who can smile and enjoy life, to both-my parents and the man I met during my depressive phase.

My therapist believes I got in a relationship with the man due to depression as well.

However now I'm off medication for one year.
And I still love him. He means a lot to me. And I know I mean. Lot to. Him. He has his reasons for not earning well financially and they're purely due to poor business decisions. I imagine a life with him and want that.

But if I'm to do that, my parents will most likely close off all connection between me and them. And if I don't do that, I end up saying goodbye to the man I love for reasons mentioned above foe the rest of my life.

I need your help in judging the situation. What should I do? Do I stop dating him at the risk of forever losing him or do I tell my family about him now at the risk of hurting them?
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Old Jun 09, 2019 at 10:17 AM
  #2
 
Are you actually dating him or are you still interacting just online? If you are only interacting online I'd suggest spending time getting to know him face to face.
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Old Jun 09, 2019 at 01:19 PM
  #3
 
Yes we have met few times and spent a day or so together... Only once I've spent four nights and five days with him at a stretch.. But we were travelling and visiting vacation spots together then...
Rest of our conversation is online...

Unfortunately I don't think we can spend much time together anymore... Because currently I'm living with my parents and they know where I'm. Going etc everyday... And they'll never agree to me spending days with him...

Do you have another suggestion please???
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Old Jun 10, 2019 at 06:15 AM
  #4
 
It sounds like while you've spent a lot of time sharing about yourself online the two of you haven't spent much time together face to face really getting to know each other. I really believe you need to get to know one another in the "real" world. Not sure how that will happen while you live with your parents.

I suspect you and I come from different cultural backgrounds. Is it the norm where you live for parents to control their adult children's lives?
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Old Jun 16, 2019 at 01:17 AM
  #5
 
Is this a cultural thing or are your parents just protective of you? Do you contribute to the household bills in the sense that you should be able to live your life the way you want to or are you totally dependent on your parents?

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Old Jun 16, 2019 at 04:13 AM
  #6
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silent_Efforts View Post
Dear everybody,

I have gotten out of severe depression with the help of ECTs and desvenlafaxine one year ago. I'm currently doing well.

During my depressive phase I met a man 15 years older to me online. I shared details of my life which I would never have told anybody with him. This was because at the time I had decided to die. But he gave me strength to stop three major attempts which would have ended with me not being here. And I came clean to my parents. Soon I was dating him. And I started ect and medication and getting evaluated by professionals. (this was five years ago) I competed my treatment one year ago.
This man I talk of has loved me, been by my side every step of the way, picked up my calls in the middle of the night for me, spent his last penny just to come down to meet me after saving for days... And moreso, I love the person he is, kind, genuine, helpful and loving. He also has maintained that he would. Understand if I were to leave him, but he is around till I want. Him to whether it's till now or till our last breath, that's upto me.

My parents are well educated, and very good parents. They have been by my side in every aspect of my life. They have wanted the best for me and love me. The depression had nothing to do with them. And if it weren't for their support and help, I wouldn't have gotten out of depression.
However, during my depression, my parents had caught me on a Skype chat with the man I spoke above about. They were enraged. And they believed it to be the result of my depression that I was doing so with him.
The reason for this is because, where I come from, it's not decent to chat on Skype with any man, let alone a man 15 years older to you (I'm 30 and he is 45), who is of a much lower social status, who is semiemployed and living by just bare minimum, and who is spending time online encouraging a woman 15 years younger to him. I am a health care professional raised with all luxuries one can imagine. They were concerned it's very uncharacteristic of me and it's poor influence on me.

As you can see, I owe my current self, improved and alive and who can smile and enjoy life, to both-my parents and the man I met during my depressive phase.

My therapist believes I got in a relationship with the man due to depression as well.

However now I'm off medication for one year.
And I still love him. He means a lot to me. And I know I mean. Lot to. Him. He has his reasons for not earning well financially and they're purely due to poor business decisions. I imagine a life with him and want that.

But if I'm to do that, my parents will most likely close off all connection between me and them. And if I don't do that, I end up saying goodbye to the man I love for reasons mentioned above foe the rest of my life.

I need your help in judging the situation. What should I do? Do I stop dating him at the risk of forever losing him or do I tell my family about him now at the risk of hurting them?
Have you told your parents how much this man means to you? Like what you've told us here and more? Perhaps having a heartfelt conversation is something you could do if you haven't already? If you credit him to saving your life on a few occassions, I feel like that would hold a lot of weight. Another thing, sure you may have gotten with him because of your depression. But as you said, the relationship has longevity without it since you've been unmedicated for a year.

Furthermore, what makes you say that they'll cut off contact with you if you choose to stay with the man? Did they say so themselves? And are there any other reasons why they don't like you dating him? Perhaps that's something you can explore with them.

Finally, if all things go south. Do you have long term plans with this man? Have you two discussed anything of that sort?
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Old Jun 21, 2019 at 08:15 AM
  #7
 
I don't think 15 years difference is a big deal. I met my husband when I was 26. He is 13 years older than me.

I feel bad if your parents threaten to cut you off if you stay dating him. I see that as extreme. But I imagine they do see you as vulnerable and worry about that. I'm thinking that they don't want to support you financially possibly living with him in the future. They likely don't want that to equal partially supporting him financially. If you ever get very serious about him I think you should be able to support yourself, financially, 100%, and if you do, keep your expenditures for just you, and not partially for him, too. Separate accounts and 50-50. Believe me!
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