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Default Sep 28, 2021 at 11:09 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by MuseumGhost View Post
In the only instance of giving actual, helpful and timely advice I can ever recall, I once caught Dr. Phil (it was on in the background) letting people know that they are NOT under any obligation to hang out or entertain family members who they find toxic. Realizing he was right was like a bolt out of the blue for me.

I had been raised to be tolerant, kind, and understanding of people's little foibles. I was raised to believe that respect would come with time, and that being intelligent and enlightened meant you just might have to endure people like this for short periods of time, as family is "irreplaceable". (Let's just put it this way---Some are, some aren't.)

And all it seemed to get me, in many cases in and around family gatherings, was huge stress headaches, shaken personal confidence, some pent-up rage and strong desire to tell people off bigtime, as well as a huge drop in my ability to be loving and tolerant and oh-so-understanding. It morphed into a kind of mute helplessness, and a desire to go completely invisible and disappear altogether. At other times, I had panic attacks before large functions, and had to turn around and go home, and make my excuses later.

But now, I had someone (even if it was Dr. Phil) in my corner. And his words still resonate with me, and have helped me a great deal. Giving myself permission to take time away from these toxics was empowering for me.

And it turned out, that was some of the best advice I ever got IN MY LIFE. I wish I had heard it in my 20's, or even my teens!

Everyone has to figure out how to manage these situations. It is a big, long, complex balancing act.
Yes I absolutely agree that no one should be obligated to entertain family members that they don't like, especially if they're toxic or just simply very high maintenance. I was told at a young age by my parents that you should never push family away, no matter what and should always put them first whether you like it or not. While in some instances, I can see this point of view I still don't agree with it completely since some family members really don't deserve any of your attention if they're toxic. Also no one is obligated to spill out their emotional feelings and other personal issues to other family members if they don't want to, just because they're family doesn't mean they need to know your business.

I agree that being at large family gatherings bring up bad memories and the strong urge to tell some of them off. There are several family members who got away with mistreating me that I would love to tell off and not speak to again. I've made up excuses as to why I can't attend gatherings as well and no one should be forced to attend any family gathering. Just because they're family doesn't mean they need to be invited and doesn't mean you need to attend each event if you don't want to.
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Default Sep 30, 2021 at 10:44 PM
  #22
As I have written in other places, there are simply some people who, no matter how kind and tolerant you are to them, and no matter how you model excellent hospitable behaviour for them, WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE, or even get the first clue.

I wasted years waiting for several family members (and even significant others) to realize what huge patoots they were making of themselves by being difficult/ bad/ rude guests at functions. I also have a sibling who delights in ripping my reputation to pieces and causing me pain every chance she gets, behind my back; although she is an adult now and really should have abandoned this kind of childish nastiness years ago (she's been at it practically since she learned how to talk, and has not let-up in 58 years.) You'd think she'd wake up and smell the coffee. There is no one else to try to influence, left. And I am absolutely no threat to her in any way, shape or form, and never have been.

What I should have done, when on my own turf, was tell them all off straightaway, and lay down the law they way a parent has to handle a wayward (and possibly dangerous) child. Giving them time and space to cause me massive vexation cost me dearly. For me, 'turning the other cheek' only increased their volatile patterns, and in some ways, permanently hurt me.
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Default Oct 01, 2021 at 09:28 AM
  #23
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As I have written in other places, there are simply some people who, no matter how kind and tolerant you are to them, and no matter how you model excellent hospitable behaviour for them, WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE, or even get the first clue.

I wasted years waiting for several family members (and even significant others) to realize what huge patoots they were making of themselves by being difficult/ bad/ rude guests at functions. I also have a sibling who delights in ripping my reputation to pieces and causing me pain every chance she gets, behind my back; although she is an adult now and really should have abandoned this kind of childish nastiness years ago (she's been at it practically since she learned how to talk, and has not let-up in 58 years.) You'd think she'd wake up and smell the coffee. There is no one else to try to influence, left. And I am absolutely no threat to her in any way, shape or form, and never have been.

What I should have done, when on my own turf, was tell them all off straightaway, and lay down the law they way a parent has to handle a wayward (and possibly dangerous) child. Giving them time and space to cause me massive vexation cost me dearly. For me, 'turning the other cheek' only increased their volatile patterns, and in some ways, permanently hurt me.
Yeah I think families are the most likely to hurt you. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Once I’m on my own, I will definitely be setting things straight with some family members. There are some that I wouldn’t care if I didn’t see them again.
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Default Oct 03, 2021 at 02:15 PM
  #24
I have regained an awful lot of peace of mind (and lowered blood pressure) not having to deal with those people anymore.

Beloved and trusted friends have taken the place of toxic family members.
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Default Oct 04, 2021 at 09:26 AM
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I have regained an awful lot of peace of mind (and lowered blood pressure) not having to deal with those people anymore.

Beloved and trusted friends have taken the place of toxic family members.
Yes same here, I find myself being more comfortable and open with friends than with family. Families just make me anxious due to their judgmental and nosy nature, it’s not enjoyable or fun. Being around friends allows me to be myself and open up more when I want, I feel like I have to watch what I say and keep personal stuff away from family. Also it’s just more enjoyable to be with friends, I’ve always had a better time at making memories with them as opposed to being with family.
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Default Oct 09, 2021 at 10:45 AM
  #26
I don't have any family (except my daughter halfway across the country). That solves that problem. Love to get together with small groups of friends. Living in a small town....that is easy. But I don't like to go to events even in our small town for the whole community or do the social thing on Friday nights at the pubs for trivia or karaoke. Never liked doing that ever. Like my quietbevenings at home with my critters

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Default Oct 09, 2021 at 02:21 PM
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I don't have any family (except my daughter halfway across the country). That solves that problem. Love to get together with small groups of friends. Living in a small town....that is easy. But I don't like to go to events even in our small town for the whole community or do the social thing on Friday nights at the pubs for trivia or karaoke. Never liked doing that ever. Like my quietbevenings at home with my critters
I’m the same way, I don’t like public gatherings either. They make me nervous and don’t like being around lots of people, I only like small gatherings with close friends and alone time.
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Default Oct 09, 2021 at 02:49 PM
  #28
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Anyone dislike large family functions especially if you're not close with any of them? This could include weddings, graduation parties, birthdays, holidays, reunions, and even funerals. I don't like forced interactions and just don't like being around those who I'm not close to especially when there will be large crowds, like over a hundred people, present at whatever the function may be. Smaller gatherings are a bit more manageable but overall I just don't like attending large functions especially if it's out of obligation.

A big reason is because of how family interactions can feel so forced or having relatives ask very personal questions you'd rather not answer. Also in large gatherings, there's a higher chance of people not getting along and arguing which can make things awkward and ruin the mood. This is especially common if the family is not very close or has a bad history and even in some cases, they are there by obligation and don't want to be there so they're in a bad mood.

When I go to large family gatherings, I try to keep my distance without being rude or aloof. I interact with anyone who comes up to talk to me but I keep any and all personal matters to myself and give vague responses to any and all personal questions they ask. The way I see it, just because they may be related to you doesn't mean they need to know what's going on in your life or how you may be doing emotionally and mentally. This is especially true if the family members are very judgmental and critical.

I could be very upset about something but if a relative asks how I'm doing, I always respond the same way you would respond to a stranger or acquaintance that you're not really close to, which is saying that I'm fine or pretty good. I even force my happiness just to make sure they don't see how I really feel. Not everyone feels this way, some people are close to their families and tell them everything, but I'm not one of them. My family has a history of being judgmental and critical so I learned to hide my emotions and keep personal matters to myself. What are some reasons you may dislike large family gatherings? I think most people do to a certain extent.

rdgrad, I really like your stance on this and I like that you have fully formed boundaries that you stick to.
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Default Oct 09, 2021 at 05:30 PM
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rdgrad, I really like your stance on this and I like that you have fully formed boundaries that you stick to.
Thank you and yeah I always stick to boundaries and don't let them know too much, I only tell them stuff if they absolutely have to know. Also I'm a little more open if it's good stuff, but I never ever tell them anything bad that's bothering me.
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Default Oct 13, 2021 at 08:34 PM
  #30
I hate forced associations of ANY kind. Our family was either spread out or not close when they WERE close. I only saw my one sister and my nieces once or twice a year. My father's family was in Indiana and we almost never saw them. But when he called home, I always had to go and sit in on the conversations and talk to people I didn't even know. And then when they asked how I was and I would say "fine", he would pull the "well, she could be doing better as far as school..." and "she needs to
watch her eating' ....that sort of thing.

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Default Oct 13, 2021 at 08:37 PM
  #31
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I have regained an awful lot of peace of mind (and lowered blood pressure) not having to deal with those people anymore.

Beloved and trusted friends have taken the place of toxic family members.

Yup!! My father always lamented the fact that I was always away with others and not home hanging on his every word. Well...think about it..but then...you couldn't explain it because he was never wrong and had no issues.

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Default Oct 14, 2021 at 07:03 AM
  #32
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I hate forced associations of ANY kind. Our family was either spread out or not close when they WERE close. I only saw my one sister and my nieces once or twice a year. My father's family was in Indiana and we almost never saw them. But when he called home, I always had to go and sit in on the conversations and talk to people I didn't even know. And then when they asked how I was and I would say "fine", he would pull the "well, she could be doing better as far as school..." and "she needs to
watch her eating' ....that sort of thing.
Yes I absolutely agree! My parents would do the same thing and tell other family members who I'm not close to or even know about my personal stuff. That's another reason I don't tell my family personal information, they'll go around telling other people which I absolutely hate. It's none of their business and if I want them to know then I'll tell them myself. I hate forced associations too, and honestly it can be with anyone outside of family as well.

If possible, don't tell your parents personal stuff anymore in order to prevent them from spreading it around. For some reason parents seem to think that since it's a family function, it's perfectly okay to tell them all the personal details of one's life which is not true and totally inappropriate. In a way, I think it's also very disrespectful for family members to spill someone else's personal stuff without their permission to do so especially when we all become adults who can pick and choose who we let into our lives regardless if they're family or not.
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Default Oct 14, 2021 at 07:06 AM
  #33
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Yup!! My father always lamented the fact that I was always away with others and not home hanging on his every word. Well...think about it..but then...you couldn't explain it because he was never wrong and had no issues.
Yeah I try to avoid as many family functions as possible, friends are way better in my opinion. Everyone is different, but I just don't like being around family members. I would probably feel different if they weren't so judgmental and critical, also if they didn't feel the need to tell everyone what I told them as well. Having them tell everyone my personal information is another reason I've stopped opening up to them, I want my feelings and personal life kept secret and family members really don't need to know anything deep about me especially if I don't really know them or am not close to them.
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