Disliking large family functions

Anyone dislike large family functions especially if you're not close with any of them? This could include weddings, graduation parties, birthdays, holidays, reunions, and even funerals. I don't like forced interactions and just don't like being around those who I'm not close to especially when there will be large crowds, like over a hundred people, present at whatever the function may be. Smaller gatherings are a bit more manageable but overall I just don't like attending large functions especially if it's out of obligation.

A big reason is because of how family interactions can feel so forced or having relatives ask very personal questions you'd rather not answer. Also in large gatherings, there's a higher chance of people not getting along and arguing which can make things awkward and ruin the mood. This is especially common if the family is not very close or has a bad history and even in some cases, they are there by obligation and don't want to be there so they're in a bad mood.

When I go to large family gatherings, I try to keep my distance without being rude or aloof. I interact with anyone who comes up to talk to me but I keep any and all personal matters to myself and give vague responses to any and all personal questions they ask. The way I see it, just because they may be related to you doesn't mean they need to know what's going on in your life or how you may be doing emotionally and mentally. This is especially true if the family members are very judgmental and critical.

I could be very upset about something but if a relative asks how I'm doing, I always respond the same way you would respond to a stranger or acquaintance that you're not really close to, which is saying that I'm fine or pretty good. I even force my happiness just to make sure they don't see how I really feel. Not everyone feels this way, some people are close to their families and tell them everything, but I'm not one of them. My family has a history of being judgmental and critical so I learned to hide my emotions and keep personal matters to myself. What are some reasons you may dislike large family gatherings? I think most people do to a certain extent.

I like my family a lot. And they really like me and are very supportive and accepting of me. But being around all those people makes me uncomfortable and I can’t figure out why. The only thing I can think of is that I take after my dads side of the family more. Who are quite and reserved. So I’m not loud and stuff the way my moms side is. My mom was talking about Thanksgiving plans and if we should just stay here with my sister and her family. Or if all of us should go to my home state and be with the big family.

I’m too worn out and have too much to think about so I don’t want to think about the holidays right now. But I’ll just do whatever everyone else does. I don’t want to make anyone unhappy but I’d be perfectly fine just staying here if people are doing that.

It’s funny how the pandemic has changed things. In 2020 I couldn’t travel and this year I’ve been at hotels 5 different times and it’s just exhausting now to travel. So I’m ok with whatever but I’d prefer to stay home.

At family gatherings that were at my old house I usually would stay long enough to say hi and silently mingle for 20 minutes before making a break for my room for the rest of the night.

I usually like seeing my cousins. I don't get a chance to often. Some aunts and uncles though are just plain rude and like to point out that I'm too fat. Actually they were doing this when I was at a normal weight. Now I am actually obese, so not really looking forward to seeing them.

Yeah large gatherings wear me out too even if I don't interact much. Just being around so many people gets exhausting. To be honest, when I was a kid, I didn't mind it as much but started disliking it the older I got which I think is the case for a lot of people. I know a lot of people way older than me that absolutely despise being around large groups of people and even hate it when they have someone staying over at their house for a night so I'm guessing it is normal to become more introverted the older you get. Even my parents don't like large gatherings and don't like people spending the night as much as they once did.

Aw I'm sorry your aunt and uncle do that, that is very nosy. For some reason relatives think they can say what they want just because they are family, even though they really don't have any right to. That's why I keep personal matters to myself, I don't tell my family anything unless it's something they absolutely have to know for some reason. I'm more open to telling them positive things though but even then I usually keep that stuff to myself but I don't care as much if they find out something positive that's going on, never anything negative or my feelings about anything.

Yeah I know exactly what you mean. When I was a kid I loved going over to my uncles house on Saturdays and staying until 1AM and I loved playing and goofing off with my cousins. Now I’ve just grown up and I’ve become very quite and mopey and I don’t really talk to them anymore. I’m nice to them and stuff but it wasn’t like how it was when I was a kid.

I relate to much of what you wrote in your original post, rdgrad15. My family have tended to be judgmental or a bit dismissive, not always but I don’t feel I can go to them for emotional support. I’m civil at family gatherings but don’t hold deep personal conversations with any of them!
Overall I find big gatherings kind of boring, always have really.

Yep exactly! I think it’s just a part of growing up, you have less energy to socialize with other family members and don’t get as excited to see them. I’m nice to mine too but don’t seek them out or try to see them.

Absolutely agree and I don’t hold deep personal conversations as well. Basically I hold the same kind of conversations as you would with a stranger. I keep things nice and civil in order to not seem rude without telling them anything personal. And I agree that large gatherings can be boring as well and always look forward to leaving.

I've been through different phases of enjoying/ not enjoying large family gatherings.

I had a special aunt who had a farm, and family reunions and other parties were mostly held there, after my Grandad's place really just became too small to hold everyone. This one side of my family are German, and boy, can they roll out the food and the drink! And it was usually a very happy affair.

But by my late 20's, I found them boring. The same conversations as last year, the same entertainments. The same people sitting around and NOT helping, and the same kind hearted generous types who seemed to be in perpetual motion, making sure everyone had enough of everything. It became tough to enjoy much of it. I only still attended because I adored that aunt so very much, and was grateful for all the preparations she always did to make it happen.

Years rolled by. Many changes happened in my family. We started losing some of the older, wiser, funnier, kinder people. My Dad unfortunately was with a woman who had no earthly use for us---and that hurt a LOT, because prior to their new living arrangements, we'd all held her in pretty high esteem. Dad seemed unaware of her other side, as she did go to lengths to hide it from him. But she made no secret of her disdain for my siblings and myself. This, alone, was enough to turn me completely off any family gatherings.

I did not know at the time that I was developing a huge case of Major Depression, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It was hard to sort out my feelings, and harder to express them verbally. But I wanted everyone to get to know my wonderful husband, whom I had met rather late in life; and he was excellent at helping me through those times, driving there and back (a big round trip), and being someone I could depend on to hear me out when things became upsetting or disturbing for me, as they sometimes did, afterwards. Ruminating was quickly becopming a constant in my life around then.

Soon, my depression became so bad, I had to pass on any large gatherings, family or otherwise. Right through the last 15 years, any social event was simply overwhelming and difficult for me---funerals, weddings, any kind of party where there were more than 4 close friends. Husband had to accept that he had to attend events alone, bachelor-style, once more.

My forced depression-lockdown kept me from attending the mile markers and celebrations around even more people that I dearly loved. I would have given anything to see some of these people, if even for just a coffee and a chat, just one more time!

Now, there's Covid, which shut down my world AGAIN, just as I was beginning to feel it opening up after 20 years.

All I can say is, take it a day at a time. Talk to your doc and therapist about what might help you return to the land of the living. There are significant changes that have happened in the last 18 months, and the social gathering landscape is still a tricky thing to navigate, for so many reasons. Whatever route you take, do it safely and soberly.

Sadly, people do not stick around forever. Some of those large parties are now repositories of very happy memories for me; Time with much-missed and adored individuals, which nothing can replace.

The only good thing came out of pandemics was not having to have big gatherings and socialize excessively. Mind you I am fairly social but extended families are exhausting. So it was kind of nice not having to do that.

I’m sorry you had to go through that. Unfortunately losing some people can change the family dynamic and make gatherings harder to go to. I think it’s common to enjoy family gatherings at a younger age. I’m the same way and can’t go to family gatherings unless I’m forced to and the only gatherings I enjoy are with friends.

Absolutely agree, it was nice not having to have large social events. Big family gatherings are exhausting, especially with lots of extended family. In fact I once read an article stating that lots of people were using the pandemic as an excuse to not attend family gatherings, even though they may not have actually been worried about getting sick.

I even heard some people admit that they used the pandemic as an excuse to not attend a family gathering but in reality just simply did not want to go, they still would be around a griup of friends and sometimes immediate family members. There’s something different about being around extended family and being around friends, for some reason being around friends has always been more enjoyable for me.

Yup. I admit I used pandemics as an excuse more than once and might keep on milking it while I can.

My mothers brother, my uncle and his kids and friends are racist in my opinion. Because of the contentious 2020 election my mom struggled with what to do for the holidays. We don’t have a large extended family but they always came over to my moms for dinner and we went there for Christmas. My mom was at a birthday gathering alone and my uncle and his son were chatting and outcomes the N-word and I only does it come out but it comes out in a despicable and common way, as if they say it all the time. And my uncle knows that it bothers my mother. They had the same wonderful father who wasn’t racist and I have no idea how we ended up that way. But because of the election they were full on Q anon crazy! Different politics are one thing, debating is another. But crazy impossible theories that make no sense are where I draw the line and my mother did too. Mind you, she’s always the one who reaches out and checks up on people. They are very self-centered and they never ask how she’s doing.

Because of his beliefs and his nonsense on Facebook she unfriended him. And she sent a group text out about the holidays saying that the contentious election and Covid meant we should stay in our own homes.

My brother is gay and has a preference for African-American men. When we were still talking to them he had just bought a house with his boyfriend. His boyfriend is black so why they think dropping the N-word around my mother is beyond me. But then my aunt would make these jokes. Saying things like “oh I’m sitting next to a chocolate eclair” and referencing how white she is and how black he is. You know the drill. She’s not racist yet it’s constantly on her mind and she has to bring it up sure.
Well he had had enough and got into it with my aunt. It got ugly. Then he talk to her daughter, my cousin and let her have it about her mothers behavior. And the daughter did get defensive however she also didn’t deny it. After that they just stop speaking to us. We had a Christmas at my moms house well actually we went in her garage and open gifts and then went home. I love my brother and my mother and my nuclear family. I’m so over extended gatherings I’m almost glad my dad is dead because his family never talk to me anyway and it gets me off the hook

That's awful about your aunt and uncle.

My grandmother is racist too. It comes from ignorance on her part. I don't thinks she has actually met many black people. It's hard to get her to change her mind when she is so set in her ways though.

Haha yeah same here until they declare it no longer a pandemic.

Wow that is awful, your mom made the right decision. Just because you’re family doesn’t mean you need to keep toxic members in your life or be around them, I’m over extended family gatherings too and most don’t talk to me either.

Yep I agree with this.

In the only instance of giving actual, helpful and timely advice I can ever recall, I once caught Dr. Phil (it was on in the background) letting people know that they are NOT under any obligation to hang out or entertain family members who they find toxic. Realizing he was right was like a bolt out of the blue for me.

I had been raised to be tolerant, kind, and understanding of people's little foibles. I was raised to believe that respect would come with time, and that being intelligent and enlightened meant you just might have to endure people like this for short periods of time, as family is "irreplaceable". (Let's just put it this way---Some are, some aren't.)

And all it seemed to get me, in many cases in and around family gatherings, was huge stress headaches, shaken personal confidence, some pent-up rage and strong desire to tell people off bigtime, as well as a huge drop in my ability to be loving and tolerant and oh-so-understanding. It morphed into a kind of mute helplessness, and a desire to go completely invisible and disappear altogether. At other times, I had panic attacks before large functions, and had to turn around and go home, and make my excuses later.

But now, I had someone (even if it was Dr. Phil) in my corner. And his words still resonate with me, and have helped me a great deal. Giving myself permission to take time away from these toxics was empowering for me.

And it turned out, that was some of the best advice I ever got IN MY LIFE. I wish I had heard it in my 20's, or even my teens!

Everyone has to figure out how to manage these situations. It is a big, long, complex balancing act.