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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2020
Location: England
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Sep 25, 2021 at 08:57 AM
#1
As some of you might have read in a previous post of mine, I found out my biological mother died 8 years ago before I could meet her. I’m interested in finding her grave, but she wasn’t buried locally even though all her immediate family are in the same area - and I haven’t had any luck with any grave locating sites or even the council where she’s supposedly buried.
The record on Ancestry which states her grave location is definitely hers, and not someone else with the same name. I have ordered her death certificate, and sent an email to a more local place to see if they can help, but if they can’t, I feel like I’m going to be stuck. Someone I spoke to the other day suggested she could have been buried with another person, which might be the issue. |
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 downandlonely, Yaowen
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Sep 26, 2021 at 03:02 AM
#2
I am not trying to be rude but was she poor or low income? If so, although I dont think they do potters hill types of graves I have heard of doubling up when its paid for by the state.
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 RoxanneToto
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2020
Location: England
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Sep 26, 2021 at 04:37 AM
#3
Thanks for your reply, sarahsweets - not rude at all, it’s a valid question in this context I think. I know she didn’t work past 20 (about a year before she had her first baby), and our hometown isn’t an affluent place to begin with. My current suspicion is that she was buried with another person, someone she had known or been related to, and her name wasn’t added to the memorial. The alleged burial site is around 200 miles away!
We do have paupers graves and funerals in England; from the little I know (e.g. I know the children she did bring up cared about her and may have been able to get some money together for the burial) I think it’s unlikely she was buried this way, but it still would be worth looking into if my other leads are exhausted. So, thanks for the suggestion! |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
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Sep 26, 2021 at 05:11 AM
#4
Could she be cremated and ashes just scattered? So there’d be no actual grave
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
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Sep 26, 2021 at 06:17 AM
#5
It’s possible, if that’s the case it’s just really frustrating that Ancestry says she was buried. I’m hoping she wasn’t cremated but I will have to just accept it if she was. It would save me a trip, at least!
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
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Sep 26, 2021 at 12:05 PM
#6
Did she give you up for adoption? I know many people look for their biological parent and it’s their right. But I also think that when biological parents give up their kids, they stop being parents and by logic of that they don’t necessarily want to be looked up or found. Perhaps it’s their right not to maintain connection with bio children. If they wanted to remain in bio kids lives, they’d not terminate their parental rights. I understand it’s painful but that’s usually what happens, unless it’s open adoption.
It’s possible she didn’t want to be found when she was alive and her grave when she is dead. It’s sad but maybe the only way to go about it is to accept it. Are you seeing a therapist about it? |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
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Sep 26, 2021 at 12:17 PM
#7
She had talked about giving me up, but in the end they had to take me and terminate her rights to see me. So it’s kind of both being given up and taken away? I’m still trying to make sense of my records to be honest. Ultimately she was too mentally ill for the bonding process to happen. You’re probably right, though.
I have a counsellor, we do talk about the effects adoption has had on me etc. |
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| downandlonely
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Sep 26, 2021 at 12:43 PM
#8
Roxanne, could it be that she was buried, but there is no grave marker? Some times when the family can not afford a marker there isn't one.
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RoxanneToto
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2020
Location: England
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Sep 26, 2021 at 01:01 PM
#9
It’s possible, I just have no real idea right now. I concede what divine1966 said is likely, and I respect my biological family’s right to ‘hide’ the grave if that’s what they actually did, but got to admit the idea of that really hurts. All the grief and feelings of loss surrounding being adopted and things that tangentially go with it is my issue to deal with, of course.
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Legendary
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Sep 26, 2021 at 01:06 PM
#10
Could you contact one of your biological relatives and ask them? They might say no, but maybe it's worth a shot?
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RoxanneToto
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
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Sep 26, 2021 at 01:15 PM
#11
I’ve been talking to someone from the adoption agency, I’m having another virtual meeting with her and my counsellor next week to tentatively reach out to family. Not specifically to ask about this, but if things go how I’m hoping then it would be something that would come up at some point. I’m trying to remain neutral about the possible outcome from the next meeting, but I’m very up and down about it.
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| lizardlady
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Legendary
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Sep 26, 2021 at 01:37 PM
#12
I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Hang in there.
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RoxanneToto
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Sep 26, 2021 at 01:50 PM
#13
Do you think if you went to the health department of the town or city she was born in they might have a death record or at least birth records?
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
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Sep 26, 2021 at 01:54 PM
#14
Thank you very much, downandlonely! I have very mixed emotions, to be honest. Grief and hope, mostly!
@sarahsweets, they would have those, I’m just waiting to get paid again before I consider getting copies. Also seeing what comes up in the meeting. Thanks! Edit - got an update from a genealogy site I joined. Turns out there was an error on Ancestry and it was registering people with the same surname in the wrong place. Just waiting for an email from the local (to me) council records office but it appears she’s buried locally after all! 
Last edited by RoxanneToto; Sep 26, 2021 at 05:35 PM.. |
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| lizardlady
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My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
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