Would you rather deal with someone who yells or someone who is sarcastic when angry?

rdgrad15 · Jan 13, 2022 at 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover

I get the having to deal with it at work. Just moving to another company is not that easy & who knows what one will run into at another company that might even be worse. If you can mentally dismiss it, that is wonderful.

Seriously, I used to get so fed up with my EX in my marriage that we would fight & yell often. I was that cup that was overflowing & I had no other skill I knew for handling what I was experiencing. I have found words & my voice from a better understanding now but honestly I love my peaceful life away from someone who pushed me to that point 24/7. Wasn't like that at work only at home when pushed past my limit without better skills to express myself. I was worried I would revert back to how I used to react when I had to encounter him 3 years ago with my law suit against him but my new skills won out so that was good to know I had risen to a new level of handling his crap. Still would never tolerate it on a permanent basis now though.

Yeah dealing with it in the workplace is hard. Dismissing it is the best way to go about it. If you speak up then it gives other people the power to start trouble or get you in trouble whether it is with coworkers or someone higher up with you. There’s been many occasions where I’ve wanted to tell some coworkers to treat me with more respect and to stop with certain behaviors but I know that would backfire in the workplace so I keep quiet. Also I’m glad you no longer have to put up with you ex’s crap and you shouldn't have to deal with it.

Discombobulated · Jan 17, 2022 at 07:25 AM

I wouldn’t want either but if I had to pick it would be sarcasm, because I find yelling very triggering. I don’t even like being near people who are yelling but not at me, it unsettles me. I absolutely hate it when adults yell at kids.

Sarcasm can be nasty, and sneaky. But it doesn’t make my heart pound with fear in the same way yelling does.

I don’t deal with either of those traits with people in my personal life and nor would I. I have encountered both behaviours (albeit rarely) as a retail assistant. It bothers me less then, they don’t know me, I don’t have an emotional investment in them. Much easier although still not nice.

rdgrad15 · Jan 17, 2022 at 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I wouldn’t want either but if I had to pick it would be sarcasm, because I find yelling very triggering. I don’t even like being near people who are yelling but not at me, it unsettles me. I absolutely hate it when adults yell at kids.

Sarcasm can be nasty, and sneaky. But it doesn’t make my heart pound with fear in the same way yelling does.

I don’t deal with either of those traits with people in my personal life and nor would I. I have encountered both behaviours (albeit rarely) as a retail assistant. It bothers me less then, they don’t know me, I don’t have an emotional investment in them. Much easier although still not nice.

Yep that’s exactly how I feel, I don’t like hearing people yell at each other as well. It puts me on edge, I’m on guard and ready to defend myself. Having someone scream bloody murder with spit flying out of their mouths while inches from my face has trained me to prepare for some altercation, I prefer sarcasm as well even though it is still not nice and more sneaky since it doesn’t put me on guard and I can actually dismiss it easier. That’s good that you rarely have to deal with that, i think screaming is a bit overboard and makes the person who is screaming look like an arrogant douche bag .

Mendingmysoul · Jan 18, 2022 at 06:43 PM

Sarcasm is nothing but cold rage.In my opinion people who use sarcasm or put downs or passive aggressive behaviours are the same as people who yell in the face.It is rage or anger expressed in two different ways. I consider both harmful. I agree yelling can lead to physical violence, sarcasm is mental violence and it will surely do a number on you.If one has to compare the lasting effects( In the case where yelling is just yelling and no physical violence is involved)Sarcasm meant to insult can leave much deeper mental scars.In my case I suffered physical violence in the hands of my mother and in later life,mental violence from her and others.In my adult life,I am mostly surrounded by people who would like the world to see them as sophisticated and mature and in control of their emotions,so they do not yell at least in public,but mostly use sarcasm to put down others.I do not like them.I stay away from them.I didn't face much yelling,but I do not like the yelling people too.

rdgrad15 · Jan 18, 2022 at 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

Sarcasm is nothing but cold rage.In my opinion people who use sarcasm or put downs or passive aggressive behaviours are the same as people who yell in the face.It is rage or anger expressed in two different ways. I consider both harmful. I agree yelling can lead to physical violence, sarcasm is mental violence and it will surely do a number on you.If one has to compare the lasting effects( In the case where yelling is just yelling and no physical violence is involved)Sarcasm meant to insult can leave much deeper mental scars.In my case I suffered physical violence in the hands of my mother and in later life,mental violence from her and others.In my adult life,I am mostly surrounded by people who would like the world to see them as sophisticated and mature and in control of their emotions,so they do not yell at least in public,but mostly use sarcasm to put down others.I do not like them.I stay away from them.I didn't face much yelling,but I do not like the yelling people too.

Yeah I see your point and sarcasm can have mental effects. It’s not pleasant to have passive aggressive put downs. I agree that both kinds of people show a lack of control of their feelings except that one is louder than the other. I’m sorry you suffered physical violence and I hope things have gotten better.

MuseumGhost · Jan 19, 2022 at 04:08 PM

There are many different types of "yelling". It also depends on where the person on the receiving end of the "yelling" is at. It could be heard, and interpreted, very differently if someone has suffered abuse at any point in the past.

I do not appreciate sarcasm, either. It comes off as the sign of a someone who feels they are superior to you. It is dismissive and it always strikes me as being fairly snotty.

I am with Eskie. Neither one is really "fair fighting". Neither one is very adult, nor very productive.

rdgrad15 · Jan 20, 2022 at 08:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

There are many different types of "yelling". It also depends on where the person on the receiving end of the "yelling" is at. It could be heard, and interpreted, very differently if someone has suffered abuse at any point in the past.

I do not appreciate sarcasm, either. It comes off as the sign of a someone who feels they are superior to you. It is dismissive and it always strikes me as being fairly snotty.

I am with Eskie. Neither one is really "fair fighting". Neither one is very adult, nor very productive.

Yeah true, there are different types of yelling. It's one thing to slightly raise your voice in a firm manner to send a message that you're serious, but it's another thing to scream at the top of your lungs inches from someone's face. It's the second one that I dislike the most, someone screaming as loud as they possibly can to the point where their face is red and spit is flying out of their mouth, I see people like that as potentially unstable and could turn physical. Also I agree that sarcasm is a different level of rude and does come off as snobby and arrogant, only difference is I don't get a feeling they're about to get violent but I still have an urge to say something to someone who is being sarcastic in an angry way especially if they're acting arrogant and think they're better than others.

Soupe du jour · Jan 21, 2022 at 04:49 AM

I grew up with a lot of "yellers" and have done some yelling, myself. It's not good at all. However, I've also experienced ample passive aggression from others in my life. Frankly, of the two I think "yelling" is easier for me to deal with. I at least know where I stand with it. Nasty sarcasm and underhandedness upsets me more.

rdgrad15 · Jan 21, 2022 at 07:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I grew up with a lot of "yellers" and have done some yelling, myself. It's not good at all. However, I've also experienced ample passive aggression from others in my life. Frankly, of the two I think "yelling" is easier for me to deal with. I at least know where I stand with it. Nasty sarcasm and underhandedness upsets me more.

Yeah I can agree that passive aggressive sarcasm is still nasty to deal with, still gives you the urge to be sarcastic right back. In terms of sticking up for myself, I'll admit I'm more likely to stand up to someone who is being sarcastic than someone who is screaming, in some cases it may be somewhat easier to put them back in their place but with a screamer it is a lot harder. Although I agree that someone who is yelling at you makes it much easier to know where you stand with the person, some people find it much harder to detect passive aggressive sarcasm. I've observed people being extremely sarcastic with someone and the person on the receiving end is completely oblivious to the sarcasm, so I can see how sarcasm can have it's own level of nastiness and rudeness with arrogance mixed in.

lizardlady · Jan 21, 2022 at 07:35 AM

Can I vote neither? There were times in my life yelling would have caused me to dissociate. It was a sign of danger. Sarcasm from someone I care about is emotionally hurtful.

Gonna say it also depends on the situation and who it is. I work with at risk kids. Some times their parents scream at me when angry. While I don't like it I am able to let it go.

rdgrad15 · Jan 21, 2022 at 08:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lizardlady

Can I vote neither? There were times in my life yelling would have caused me to dissociate. It was a sign of danger. Sarcasm from someone I care about is emotionally hurtful.

Gonna say it also depends on the situation and who it is. I work with at risk kids. Some times their parents scream at me when angry. While I don't like it I am able to let it go.

Yeah it definitely depends on the situation and who is yelling or being sarcastic as well. Yelling is a sign of danger for me too and I'm usually more on guard when someone is yelling even if it's not directed at me. There are some people that I can dismiss their sarcasm especially if I'm not close to them like acquaintances, coworkers, family members and even the kids I work with since some of them have outbursts when they get mad and it doesn't affect me. When it's someone I truly like and care about like a friend then it's more hurtful when they yell or even become sarcastic since it makes me wonder how they really feel about me.

Mendingmysoul · Jan 21, 2022 at 12:28 PM

I have a freeze response to anger,.whether it is yelling or sarcasm I just freeze in my tracks.In my case physical violence never preceded by yelling,so I do not connect yelling with violence. I think my mind is able to recognize the anger behind yelling,so I freeze. Some times I do have a reaction called...delayed reaction,which happens long time after the fact.The delayed reaction leads to ruminations in my case.By ruminating I am hurting my self again and again. That is the reason I try to avoid both kinds of people.I go minimal contact if the yelling or sarcasm comes from near and dear.I communicate when it is absolutely necessary.

eskielover · Jan 21, 2022 at 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

I have a freeze response to anger,.whether it is yelling or sarcasm I just freeze in my tracks.In my case physical violence never preceded by yelling,so I do not connect yelling with violence. I think my mind is able to recognize the anger behind yelling,so I freeze. Some times I do have a reaction called...delayed reaction,which happens long time after the fact.The delayed reaction leads to ruminations in my case.By ruminating I am hurting my self again and again. That is the reason I try to avoid both kinds of people.I go minimal contact if the yelling or sarcasm comes from near and dear.I communicate when it is absolutely necessary.

When I first got married (1975) & my husband started the put down sarcasm, I started throwing it right back in his face because I knew I was just as good (or better) than him BUT I hated the stress it was causing. Think it went on that way for several months before I had it with him & told him to stop or leave. Took about a year for that to totally end but every time he did it I not so nicely reminded him of stop or get out. Put me in control of the situation but it definitely started the marriage out on the wrong foot & went downhill from there for many other reasons I only tolerated because I had a career I was focused on & could avoid him most of the time while fixing the messes he made financially the rest of the time. I was more aggressive in my responses as time went on because I was getting more fed up all the time & yelling was not uncommon by the time I left. Looking back, I feel bad our daughter grew up in that environment. I can see the long term effect it had even if she can't

MuseumGhost · Jan 21, 2022 at 06:56 PM

@Mendingmysoul: Yes! I have the same reaction to any angry displays.

My experiences have taught me that MOST uncalled-for displays of anger arise from a place of damage within the person doing it, whether it's yelling or snidey sarcasm. BOTH send me the strong message that this person is having a maladjusted response to something, and that it's going to end up harming me, somehow. So I become paralyzed, too. My brain freezes. I can only think of clever ways to diffuse the bomb (verbally or behaviourally) much later on, when I relax and can think clearly.

I have much more respect for people who can either agree to discuss things better when everything's calm; and even more for those who can discuss differences quietly and maturely.

mote.of.soul · Jan 21, 2022 at 08:14 PM

I guess I prefer the being yelled at because, yeah, at least you'll know what they're angry about. Whereas, with the sarcastic remark, you're walking away thinking 'Hang on a minute. What did s/he just say?' Which basically messes with my head even more.

rdgrad15 · Jan 21, 2022 at 09:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

I have a freeze response to anger,.whether it is yelling or sarcasm I just freeze in my tracks.In my case physical violence never preceded by yelling,so I do not connect yelling with violence. I think my mind is able to recognize the anger behind yelling,so I freeze. Some times I do have a reaction called...delayed reaction,which happens long time after the fact.The delayed reaction leads to ruminations in my case.By ruminating I am hurting my self again and again. That is the reason I try to avoid both kinds of people.I go minimal contact if the yelling or sarcasm comes from near and dear.I communicate when it is absolutely necessary.

Yeah sometimes anger can cause others to freeze up especially if it’s without warning and for a very trivial and pointless reason if any reason at all.

rdgrad15 · Jan 21, 2022 at 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover

When I first got married (1975) & my husband started the put down sarcasm, I started throwing it right back in his face because I knew I was just as good (or better) than him BUT I hated the stress it was causing. Think it went on that way for several months before I had it with him & told him to stop or leave. Took about a year for that to totally end but every time he did it I not so nicely reminded him of stop or get out. Put me in control of the situation but it definitely started the marriage out on the wrong foot & went downhill from there for many other reasons I only tolerated because I had a career I was focused on & could avoid him most of the time while fixing the messes he made financially the rest of the time. I was more aggressive in my responses as time went on because I was getting more fed up all the time & yelling was not uncommon by the time I left. Looking back, I feel bad our daughter grew up in that environment. I can see the long term effect it had even if she can't

Sometimes the best defense against someone’s sarcasm is to throw it right back at them. I still have trouble standing up for myself when someone is yelling but I can be way more assertive when someone is being sarcastic.

rdgrad15 · Jan 21, 2022 at 09:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

@Mendingmysoul: Yes! I have the same reaction to any angry displays.

My experiences have taught me that MOST uncalled-for displays of anger arise from a place of damage within the person doing it, whether it's yelling or snidey sarcasm. BOTH send me the strong message that this person is having a maladjusted response to something, and that it's going to end up harming me, somehow. So I become paralyzed, too. My brain freezes. I can only think of clever ways to diffuse the bomb (verbally or behaviourally) much later on, when I relax and can think clearly.

I have much more respect for people who can either agree to discuss things better when everything's calm; and even more for those who can discuss differences quietly and maturely.

Yeah I agree that uncalled for anger comes from the person’s own struggles. In some cases it may even be ingrained in their brains to just start yelling over small pointless things. My dad used to be in the marines and he would get right up in my face screaming just because I spilled milk by accident or something else equally as trivial when I was a kid. There are other people I know that scream at dumb reasons and it really shows an insecure side of them.

rdgrad15 · Jan 21, 2022 at 09:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

I guess I prefer the being yelled at because, yeah, at least you'll know what they're angry about. Whereas, with the sarcastic remark, you're walking away thinking 'Hang on a minute. What did s/he just say?' Which basically messes with my head even more.

Yeah I can understand that, usually I can tell when someone is sarcastic but some people hide it very well. It also does leave you feeling inferior, and it has you questioning what they really think. Depending on how it’s done, sarcasm can have a arrogant and snobby tone to it. For me, it actually makes me have stronger urges to say something right back at someone who’s being sarcasm as opposed to being yelled as since being yelled at makes me freeze and not likely to speak up.

eskielover · Jan 22, 2022 at 07:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Sometimes the best defense against someone’s sarcasm is to throw it right back at them. I still have trouble standing up for myself when someone is yelling but I can be way more assertive when someone is being sarcastic.

It is a good defense but when one doesn't feel good about putting others down, it doesn't even feel ok using it as a defense. I decided it was a game I wasn't going to be part of & stopped it quickly giving him the choice to stop or get out.

Yelling is a tough one to stand up to even when one is assertive. I hate when someone has pushed me to the yelling point too. Once I walked away from my marriage, I have never been pushed to that point again. I lived around such dysfunctional parents & & husband that just didn't listen or get what they were told & no logic. Once I was away from those behaviors & around functional people, yelling never became necessary. That was when I realized it wasn't me but my reaction to years of living in such a dysfunctional environment who were incapable of listening since that behavior didn't follow me when I left

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lizardlady Legendary Member Since Nov 2002 Location: Mid World Posts: 17,483 (SuperPoster!) 21 7,513 hugs given	Jan 21, 2022 at 07:35 AM #30 Can I vote neither? There were times in my life yelling would have caused me to dissociate. It was a sign of danger. Sarcasm from someone I care about is emotionally hurtful. Gonna say it also depends on the situation and who it is. I work with at risk kids. Some times their parents scream at me when angry. While I don't like it I am able to let it go.
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