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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 11:44 AM
  #41
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Originally Posted by eskielover View Post


It is a good defense but when one doesn't feel good about putting others down, it doesn't even feel ok using it as a defense. I decided it was a game I wasn't going to be part of & stopped it quickly giving him the choice to stop or get out.

Yelling is a tough one to stand up to even when one is assertive. I hate when someone has pushed me to the yelling point too. Once I walked away from my marriage, I have never been pushed to that point again. I lived around such dysfunctional parents & & husband that just didn't listen or get what they were told & no logic. Once I was away from those behaviors & around functional people, yelling never became necessary. That was when I realized it wasn't me but my reaction to years of living in such a dysfunctional environment who were incapable of listening since that behavior didn't follow me when I left
Yeah being around dysfunctional and toxic people can bring out behaviors that you wouldn’t normally do. Glad you were able to walk away and I agree being assertive is hard at times.
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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 12:27 PM
  #42
Many a times when we are facing those maladaptive expressions of anger (yelling or sarcasm) from others,we are not even responsible.Those people are angry at something or somebody else and we are just in the wrong place in a wrong time.We are used as proxy to unload their anger.It feels so unjust to me.If I happen to notice people who have maladaptive expressions, I run a mile from them.Not even worth it.I don't give second chances to such people.If they are family or close friends, I give them benefit of the doubt, but not for long.I go minimal contact if necessary to save myself.
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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 12:53 PM
  #43
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Many a times when we are facing those maladaptive expressions of anger (yelling or sarcasm) from others,we are not even responsible.Those people are angry at something or somebody else and we are just in the wrong place in a wrong time.We are used as proxy to unload their anger.It feels so unjust to me.If I happen to notice people who have maladaptive expressions, I run a mile from them.Not even worth it.I don't give second chances to such people.If they are family or close friends, I give them benefit of the doubt, but not for long.I go minimal contact if necessary to save myself.
I only directed my yelling at the person (my now ex thank heavens) who made me angry. I never directed it at anyone else....but I know many people do. Sadly the yelling at him was justified. He never ever had listened, he never understood (obvious because he never handled things without making a worse mess to clean up) & it was the only way to even get his attention. It also served to let off my steam like a pressure cooker or I really would have exploded. Best thing I did was finally walk (run) away when I could. Sad when life (a person) pushes us to that point.

Not appropriate in a work environment & it took years of pushing to push me to that point that actually started in my childhood environment & ended when I left it from my marriage.

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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 01:15 PM
  #44
My mom used to yell at me when she was angry at my brother. And my Dad yelled at all of us to let out stress from work. I found it very frustrating and unfair. I've never taken my anger out on other people. I usually turn it inwards and make myself miserable.
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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 03:16 PM
  #45
Yep,I can understand you,down and lonely. My freeze response leaves me frustrated and unjustified specially when I didn't do anything to warrant other's anger.When others use me just to unload for no apparent reason.And the anger that results in me because of unjust behaviour of others,I become responsible for processing in a healthy way.I also do not use others to unload my anger. It really is a hard work trying to process our own negative emotions in a healthy manner and not to use people as proxies.
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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 06:03 PM
  #46
This is a very thought-provoking thread.

I took a few minutes, and counted back the number of times in my life when I felt the need to raise my voice at someone. It was only a handful of times. I turns out it was almost always done out of frustration, and only rarely was it done with anger. But it never got me what I wanted---and one very horrifying time, it really ended up doing too much damage to ever repair. It always backfired on me. So I have never returned to doing it , again.

And I have had lots of sarcastic things to utter, right on the tip of my tongue; but I've always known instinctively where that would get me, too, so I have never used it.

I think that's why I have respect for people who can discuss things like adults. I know the kind of self-control that certain situations can require, and I've had to work on myself to get where I want to be. And I do now expect people to extend the same courtesy, when a disagreement arises, that I've always shown to them.

A civil and respectful relationship is the only kind I will tolerate, from now on.
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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 01:07 PM
  #47
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Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul View Post
Many a times when we are facing those maladaptive expressions of anger (yelling or sarcasm) from others,we are not even responsible.Those people are angry at something or somebody else and we are just in the wrong place in a wrong time.We are used as proxy to unload their anger.It feels so unjust to me.If I happen to notice people who have maladaptive expressions, I run a mile from them.Not even worth it.I don't give second chances to such people.If they are family or close friends, I give them benefit of the doubt, but not for long.I go minimal contact if necessary to save myself.
Yes this can be the case for a lot of people, people who never stand up for themselves are more likely to be subjected to anger by proxy. I stay away from people who yell at those who are just nearby, it is very unjust even if their anger is warranted. I’ve avoided people who are like that, I’ll keep my distance until they’re in a better mood. I’ve had friends that did that to me and I would cancel plans if they were in such a horrible mood and took their anger out on me, I hate being used as a sounding board in thar manner. As for family, I’ve left the house to go do stuff just to avoid anyone who was in a horrible mood since I’m constantly subjected to their anger by proxy and sometimes thrown in the middle of it which I hate.
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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 01:15 PM
  #48
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I only directed my yelling at the person (my now ex thank heavens) who made me angry. I never directed it at anyone else....but I know many people do. Sadly the yelling at him was justified. He never ever had listened, he never understood (obvious because he never handled things without making a worse mess to clean up) & it was the only way to even get his attention. It also served to let off my steam like a pressure cooker or I really would have exploded. Best thing I did was finally walk (run) away when I could. Sad when life (a person) pushes us to that point.

Not appropriate in a work environment & it took years of pushing to push me to that point that actually started in my childhood environment & ended when I left it from my marriage.
Yeah I never redirect my anger at other people, only the person who deserves it. I don’t like it when people do it to me so I don’t do it to others, it's unfair to yell at someone who didn’t do anything. It comes off as if they’re looking for reasons to yell, which can be the case at times. Yeah sounds like your husband deserved it, glad you're out of that situation.
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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 01:19 PM
  #49
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My mom used to yell at me when she was angry at my brother. And my Dad yelled at all of us to let out stress from work. I found it very frustrating and unfair. I've never taken my anger out on other people. I usually turn it inwards and make myself miserable.
Same here, I don’t take it out on others. My family, especially my dad takes their anger out on others. It’s very uncomfortable, it’s also unfair to be dragged into the middle of something that has nothing to do with you. When I got older I would find a reason to leave the house just to avoid being yelled at, seeing someone lash out at others just because they were close by shows a sign of weak anger control.
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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 01:23 PM
  #50
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Yep,I can understand you,down and lonely. My freeze response leaves me frustrated and unjustified specially when I didn't do anything to warrant other's anger.When others use me just to unload for no apparent reason.And the anger that results in me because of unjust behaviour of others,I become responsible for processing in a healthy way.I also do not use others to unload my anger. It really is a hard work trying to process our own negative emotions in a healthy manner and not to use people as proxies.
Same here, if I’m yelled at for no reason, I am more likely to freeze. It has me feeling frustrated, wishing I could tell them the truth and to stop. Now if they’re just being sarcastic, I actually do have a bit more guts to say something depending on who it is. I’ve gotten a little more assertive in that aspect, not insulting them or yelling back but just simply telling them that I didn’t do anything and politely ask them to stop their behavior and then walk away.
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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 01:32 PM
  #51
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This is a very thought-provoking thread.

I took a few minutes, and counted back the number of times in my life when I felt the need to raise my voice at someone. It was only a handful of times. I turns out it was almost always done out of frustration, and only rarely was it done with anger. But it never got me what I wanted---and one very horrifying time, it really ended up doing too much damage to ever repair. It always backfired on me. So I have never returned to doing it , again.

And I have had lots of sarcastic things to utter, right on the tip of my tongue; but I've always known instinctively where that would get me, too, so I have never used it.

I think that's why I have respect for people who can discuss things like adults. I know the kind of self-control that certain situations can require, and I've had to work on myself to get where I want to be. And I do now expect people to extend the same courtesy, when a disagreement arises, that I've always shown to them.

A civil and respectful relationship is the only kind I will tolerate, from now on.
Yeah I never scream at people either, the most I’ve ever done is raise my voice ever so slightly in a firm and serious manner and even that is very rare. I know people who absolutely lose control of themselves, it makes them look foolish and unable to control their anger. In terms of sarcasm, I never get sarcastic right back but I’m more likely to tell them to stop their behavior and then walk away depending on who it is.

I’ve done that a few times which put the person in their place, I still felt bad but it had to be done since they just kept on going and going and going and going with their sarcasm to the point where I just had to put an end to it. That’s good that you learned how to control your anger, it never feels good to get angry at others since it can cause people to see you in a negative light.
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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 07:17 PM
  #52
Yell because I can do it right back.

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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 09:00 PM
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Yell because I can do it right back.
Glad you can stick up for yourself.
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Default Jan 28, 2022 at 01:32 AM
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Yell because I can do it right back.
Yes, glad I am not pushed to the point where I do this any more....but I definitely get you....though I doubt I would do it at work but then I work with awesome people around awesome horses & I never have to yell at them

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Default Jan 28, 2022 at 08:15 AM
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Yes, glad I am not pushed to the point where I do this any more....but I definitely get you....though I doubt I would do it at work but then I work with awesome people around awesome horses & I never have to yell at them
Yeah I wouldn’t do it at work since that can get you in trouble. I don’t yell anyways but work would be the worst place to yell especially since I work in a school. There have beeb times where I want to tell coworkers to stop treating me like I’m stupid and not respecting me but I prefer to keep the peace. Don’t want to take any chances of coming off as a trouble maker.
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Default Feb 02, 2022 at 06:14 PM
  #56
I think yelling. Sarcasm can be mean-spirited. Yelling might mean they're just frustrated.
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Default Feb 03, 2022 at 05:36 AM
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I think yelling. Sarcasm can be mean-spirited. Yelling might mean they're just frustrated.
Yeah I agree sarcasm is mean spirited, makes the person appear arrogant which can be the case lots of times.
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Default Feb 16, 2022 at 06:46 PM
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I think yelling. Sarcasm can be mean-spirited. Yelling might mean they're just frustrated.
Neither. I agree though, that yelling might just mean they are frustrated. I also agree that sarcasm can be mean-spirited. It depends on the context very much though, imo.

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Default Feb 17, 2022 at 05:59 AM
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Neither. I agree though, that yelling might just mean they are frustrated. I also agree that sarcasm can be mean-spirited. It depends on the context very much though, imo.
Yeah that is the case sometimes, people can yell out of pure frustration. Also I agree that sarcasm is mean spirited, usually there's a big of arrogance and snobbish behavior splashed in there so it can be hard to not say something right back at them to put them in their place.
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